Day 4 - I am Grateful For

After drinking wine with my grandfather in his 98 degrees home, the fireplace is always crack'a'lin. The one glass of wine always makes my head a bit foggy. I had to escape to the furthest room in the house to breath. His home is so warm, his pug dogs find it hard to breath while they flop down on the kitchen tile. And when their spot is to warm they scootch their fat asses to a cooler spot in the kitchen. Imagin 60lbs of bacon swimming across the kitchen floor. My mind is somewhere between blah and ehhh. It's December 4th, I'm 45 years old and I have never spent a Christmas with someone special. I have had an image of what my perfect Christmas morning is. People around me are nice, every year they tell me you'll find someone. After the 34th time hearing it. That's about as cool as an email letting me know that I have been noticed on Linkedin. Cool, but it's clearly not a job offer, but hey, they see me. Why Bother? The word hope, doesn't exist in my lifetime. I'm too old for some things and females my age are too old for other things. I probably will never have kids, I won't ever see my kids smiling faces opening presents on Christmas morning. In my mind, my thoughts I don't ever want Christmas morning to end if I had kids. Yet I wake up and find myself going to Denny's for a pancake grandslam. I think I like the smell better than the taste of a Denny's pancake. I really hate this time of year, but I have so much love for it at the same time.

I really like everything about Christmas. Back in the day I always wanted to sit in the airport terminal a week before Christmas just to witness so many happy smiling faces. And then imagining the last person to get off the terminal was here for me. I'd be holding flowers and fighting back tears of happiness as we embraced. We would hold each other so long that time would actually stand still. Holding each other in public without even taking a breath. The airport terminal, where Christmas smiles happen. Sounds dumb, but honey badger don't give a shit. Christmas lights, driving through neighborhoods checking out all the lights, is a true treat. Even I'm driving around alone in a 1973 windowless van that says free dogs. I don't own a van, but driving around alone checking out the Christmas lights, people give me a look as if my Focus is a creepy van strollin around. I mean it's pretty silly saying "Wow, did you see that house?" alone in a car, because I have to answer my own question....."Yeah dumbass, I'm looking at it now. Drive to the next house Santas taking a leek in the outhouse." "Oh I remember that house from last year." And before I go Christmas light viewing, it's a must that I have hot chocolate. As for presents, I end up buying more than receiving, but that's the way I like it. My grandmother before she passed away always handed out a Christmas ornament, it didn't matter how old you were. We all got a Christmas ornament and 20 bucks on our birthday.

I secretly love to shop for others, I know I can find some cool gems. I want a chance to say stuff like "Why did you buy me new underwear for Christmas, the ones I have are fine." I want to fill.....I want to see Santa fill up stockings so full, the hooks break. I wanna watch Santa cram down a massive plate of cookies made by us. I wanna see New York light up their massive tree and fall on my ass ice skating.

Despite all my whimsical delusional thoughts during my imaginary Christmas, I still have an upbeat spirit in me for the holidays, even if I'm always the oddball at the table. The one who has to sit in the dusty old garage chair and stare across the table at no one. There are a handful of Christmas song I like too. And if I have had too many cocktails, well this song is always great to sing along to. So I am still grateful for, as hard as it might be, feeling the love and warmth that the Christmas spirit brings to me.