Day 17 & 18 opps

I thought all day and all night about what I was grateful for on day 17. I could not focus I could not think straight. Here on day 18 I'm having the same problem. I think it's because I'm fearful of spending another Christmas alone. And I know there's nothing I can do about it. I just wish that this month would be over with. I feel January is nothing but a depressed month with nothing to look forward to. It's as if the cold comes and settled in until the end of March. Then there is that fantastic holiday that hallmark forced upon us call Valentine's Day, shoving all that sentimental value down our throats. The best Valentine's Day gift I ever received was a box of garbage pail kids. These are cards that are from the early 80s and they reflected the cabbage patch kids mockery. Right now I make good money doing Uber eats however there are long periods of time or I'm just sitting and waiting and that's what I hate how my mind thinks and operates especially when I feel alone. I tried my best to reach out to a food bank but they are not handing out hot meals during Covid 19 which is a bummer because I would've been right there. I'm tired of being a third wheel all the time. Of course people around me would never tell me that but I feel like that I feel if I go to a party I can't drink because I'm the only one that can drive myself home. I hate feeling like this. It's empty it's in purgatory it's in limbo. And no matter where I'm at I miss sharing my life with somebody. So for day 17 and 18 I'm grateful for a day off or two check out from reality fuck everything. I just don't want to check out too long because I've been lost before and it blows. There's my pity party. Please find your keys get home safe and I hope you had fun.