Time For a Self Evaluation Part 1

2024 has been one big pile of crap. So far. January 2023 was the fucking best time in my life, I found the girl. The girl who I wasn't looking for. Now, today. The same girl barely talks to me. I'm still in love with her. I am a Libra, very emotional, caring, odd, funny and sometimes I can let my heart lead when it's the brain's job. I have been way too sappy, clingy and an all around sad sack. I do not like this version of me. I have let my emotions run wild. It's as if I am walking on a path and the distractions around me have drawn me off course of goals, hopes and dreams. I feel like I'm always looking beyond the important things in front of my face. I tend to leap ahead, anxiety and overthinking has almost ruined me emotionally. I need to slow down completely this time. I have disconnected myself from a few social media platforms. I have had a few issues with reading into posts and stories too often. My imagination can cause serious self trauma, and over time I have been accustomed to broadcasting my feelings through social media. I do not use it to my advantage nor am in a business that needs it to survive or advertise. There are a few features I have left on, a Snapchat and my Twitter feed. I have also turned off my ringer and notifications. I want my life to move forward without the constant mind numbing scrolling and/or alerts letting me know that I got an email from Amazon telling me to buy this product that I don't need, but it is on sale, so therefore you must open the email now! Well from this point forward I don't want that crutch anymore. I love taking pictures. I love how the fog is resting in the background but there's a clear view in front. It almost has a perfect balance of wet and dry. And as the dirt road veers off into the right ahead, the atmosphere plays with the imagination of where that road leads up to.  

I need to feel more grounded. I started yoga. I am terrible at it, but I love playing cornhole on the weekends. I got myself a gym membership, I plan on working out 3 days a week, this time I am going to track myself. Back on track

Childhood Education Part 2

Childhood Education Part 2

 

4 years later

Where was I? 

Oh yeah, 6th grade. 

I was in the midst of my parents divorcing. I was pissed, I spent 30 minutes upset that my mother and father were separating, but then I found out we were moving. I invested years making my three friends. I was hoping I would find friends again. I was a child with an angry sailors limp. So, finding friends who would stick by me was a Double Dare challenge. 

Little kids just stare at me. It's as if I'm SpongeBob walking into Wal-Mart because I was running low on new house dresses, shotgun shells and pine cone spray paint tattoos. I'm telling you to this day, kids just stare when I walk. Sometimes when I limp around and I see someone starring, I put a little more cripple swagger into the limp,  and maybe work in a small twerk, followed by a Hallelujah. 

(side note: There is a small gas station outside of Reno, NV. That area is called Hallelujah Junction and for a free ice cream cone from my grandfather he would have us spell Hallelujah. I didn't care so much about the ice cream after I found his secret stash of porn mags in his vacation trailer. So if we didn't have to make an additional stop, that would mean the sooner we could get to his house.)

So, 6th grade. New school. All eyes on me. RIP 2 Pac. I loved the Beastie Boys. I had a Tonka shirt on. I felt bad ass walking into Mrs. Hollingers class. Then I laid my eyes on this girl. She developed early and my new desk was right next to hers. Luckily for me, I knew they what these skin melons were, thanks to my grandfathers vacation station. So right away I had more obstacles to get over. So I played it cool and continued to stare. I mean full on stare, like the kind of stare if you saw a homeless man dressed up like SpongeDale (The dollar store version) stumbling into Burger King. The next day she came into class with a baggy sweater on, and just, like, that, they had disappeared. Thee "Oh my gentle Jesus'es" have left the building. I thought she was sick, so I asked her all day long if she felt good.  I'm sure I failed the math quiz that day and as her flute skills improved I had to make sure to hone in on my stupid clarinet so I could pair her skills, keeping me seated next to her during music class. God, I hated the clarinet. To this day, I have never seen a rock band with a professional clarinetist, nor do I even know of one. I haven't even seen a clarinet in a million years, even Kenny G plays the tenor saxophone. To be honest I had to look him up, but when I looked the G-man up I guess my thought process was in the market for a Michael Bolton. They both scream 1992 short haired aunt, drinking a Lipton sun tea and driving an Isuzu Trooper.   

My second day at a new school, I decided it was probably a smart idea to ditch the Tonka shirts and totally sport a Run DMC shirt. There were (maybe still apply now, I dunno) playground rules. When you heard the bell, freeze and wait for the teacher to blow her whistle. I would always freeze giving the finger, but I would hide it behind my other hand. There was also a 20 second count on the swings, if they were busy. I would simply count to 20, and when the swinger slowed down to a complete stop, I would sometimes say, "nah I don't like that swing, carry on". I would continue on doing this. Some dude with curly hair and glasses, he said hey whats up, your shoe is untied. Awesome! Lets swing. I was swinging so freaking high I could see the curve of the earth. We were singing and laughing. Then my shoe flew off of my foot. As my shoe lifted off from my foot, my toes all waved good bye at the same time. I could see the piggies were happy and they hardly got to breath during lunch time. That battered shoe, with the ripped dangly red swoosh and the grey cookie colored shoe laces, slowly spun like a punted football. The g-force of the swing caused the shoe to propel in a backward motion. You could hear the screams squealing out from the "This little pig" warning me of the lurking danger I am going to encounter. The shadow of the shoe, lined in sync with the swing. My dumbass laughing as the sun blinded my vision while I tracked my shoe jet. I fell backwards out of my swing, doing an awesome flip only to kiss the soft sand below. As I lifted my head up, my shoe crash landed on the back of my noggin at that point and my face went back for second helpings of sand. The sweater girl ran over to me. It was at this point her name was (actually) Beth. She helped me up and told me that was a crazy fast flip. I scanned the playground, no one else saw this event. I saw the guy with curly hair and glasses launch his shoe over the playground fence. Where the shoe landed safely in the street, moments later it was ran over by an Isuzu Trooper. Beth said I looked ok and then gave me a hug. It was at this moment in time, historically speaking her large obstacles made me forget about ever doing a Wile E Coyote stunt. I was happy. Although I had to sit back on the swing for the next 4 to 7 minutes until I could ease the happiness that was currently at the time, hard to hide. 

Overthinker's Top 3 Exercise 1

    Lately, overthinking. Sometimes I feel like I'm murdering my brain. I suppose in small doses I've always been the thinker. Why? I want to be the best me possible. I want what is best for other humans. I like to be enough and not an alternative nod of, ehh. Tonight I asked a friend to ask me questions.

What are 3 things I first think of when I wake up?

1. I question my sleep.

2. Beth, she is the game changer I have been waiting for, all my life.

3. Shower, eat and drink 

What are 3 things I am grateful for?

1. I have a love hate relationship with my heart. On one side it cares and on the other end being passionate can cause trouble with out thinking. (If you love your boat and being on the water, without thinking, you could easily leave the oars at home) 

2. Music, it should sound clique, because it is clique. I have a tendency to listen to certain songs on repeat. Right now it's all depressed sad songs - Switchfoot "the bones of us"/ Daughter "Medicine"/Manchester Orchestra 'Capital Karma" just to name a few......I'm currently not sad, a bit numb, but not sad. 

3. Great friends. End of story

What are 3 things I am scared of?

1. Continuous Failure - after 37 times, give up and move on. I'm proud of myself for trying.

2. Dying without being loved. I know we all die alone, but how about one person really loving the shit out of me, just love me just being me. The dork I am. I like to think I'm lovable. I am certainly capable of taking care of that given love. I don't put anyone on a pedestal, thats where love belongs.

3. My leg getting worse as I age.

Where is 3 places I'd like to visit?

1. I'd like to see the world best waterfall. A waterfall surrounded in nature. A waterfall where I can play in without being swept in a current. 

2. The worlds largest ball pit. Arcade, Rollercoaster. I love amusement attractions. 

3. I would love to go to New York City during Christmas. I love the lights, atmosphere, the happiness......not so much the cost, but I'd defiantly wanna go. 

3 Random Things 

1. I applied to appear on the negative three cent stamp. I did this because I hate my heart sometimes and it gets in the way of my brain. I wasn't thinking when I applied, I just knew in my heart it was the best thing to do. But in the end it was not smart. I end up owing more after applying.  

2. Her voice 

Her kind words

Her silent amour of rich sounding promises that sweep over me 

They have found a home, nuzzled in my heart

3. Rockstar Lemonade (Yellow cans)

 

Can You Start at 3AM?

When the night is quiet, some, sleep on a bed of burnt ash with traumatic sheets of fear. The tossing and turning becomes more of a chore. The body, light as a fart feather and stiff as 80 year old man after downing a bottle of bourbon and a handful of boner pills.

The window is opened a cracked. For the gentle breeze of the nights air could put one to sleep at ease. The moonlight peaks through the blinds, searching for a reflective object to light up the room.

A wall clock ticks louder. 

Tick

TIck

TICk

TICK

....and so on.

Always waiting for the Tock to happen.  Yet the tick drags on and on. The eyeballs flow back and forth with the motion of the wall clock ticks. The white noise sizzling far into the distance, piercing the ears at times. The heavy eyelids, like soaked 1975 velvet drapes, blink slow, but struggle to stay closed. The heart racing in place, with every gulp of hot coffee, it is feasting for. Fatigue rolls through the body like cold syrup on a winter's night. The mind thinking about the future, the past, the eggs that would of been nice to eat in the morning, but someone forgot to pick them up, the yogurt stain in the shag rug carpet at your mother's house, what the fuck was in the Fedex box at the end of Castaway, why is there no one else listening to my thoughts, what if you lived your life according to every song you ever listen too and so on and so forth. 

In the distance a lonely dog named Cannibal barks into the evening sky as the fog rolls in. That single bark echos into the night. Creating a single bark that turns into eight echoing barks, causing the dog to bark more, because the dog believes other dogs are barking at him. A cry for an owner, who cares more about nothing at all. Cannibal is locked in an outdoor cage, while it begins to rain.

The rain fall that begins, rings on every leaf on the tree as the drops sail, storming down from the clouds. 

Ting

Ting 

Ting Ting TINGTINGTINGTINGjgeftingiuwTINGhef8TINGwgfTINGiuqwefi

The scent of rain rushes through the dirty window screen. The strong dusty smell, clogs the air flow through the nose, causing a choking hazard. The body rises from the bed, not to choke on the nothingness. 

As the body rest turn on its side. The microwave time that beams it's LED lights from the kitchen. Shines down the hallway, seeping through the bottom of the bedroom door and the carpet. Praying the power does not go out and turn the kitchen into a  night club for spiders and Beetlejuice like creatures, once again. 

Lightening strikes followed by a loud crackles of thunder. 

The phone that has been silenced for the past four hours emerges into your palm. 

02:34AM.

FUCK!  

The thoughts of another day gone away. The body is there but the mind is somewhere else. The gutter is nowhere to be seen. The body stops caring about the day at hand. The thoughts of bed sounds nice, yet someone else's bed sounds better. The human touch, can block all the distractions in the world, if you are with the right person. Find your person, sleep better, sleep well. Fall asleep with a smile. 

Tell the neighbors to let Cannibal sleep in the house. 

I haven't been getting much sleep at night. Distractions. Mind. Overthinking. Overly tired.........and missing thee....

My Top 5 - Life Lessons (that I have learned or screwed up)

 I get tired. 

That doesn't mean I stop. As I walk through life I constantly continue to daydream. Sometimes I will just sit and stare. Yes, I may or may not be listening to you, but the fact is I am present. I am here. Why? Fuck if I know that for sure. I can be a tough nut to crack at times. Once in awhile, I will casually think - "Am I stuck in a dream or a nightmare". As time progresses I loose the reality side of life and lean more towards the daydreaming part. I ask for very little, but I sense there is a struggle, a detour in the way. In the end, I am here now. For tomorrow I might not. Love what you can today.

-Life Lessons- 

5. Continue to Write

Exercising the mind is a workout. Take care of the mind, write everyday. Think about how important it is not to skip leg days at the gym. The phone is a great tool, speech to pad is a great way to express your feelings or ideas on the spot. The shower is great place to start and rejuvenate the thought process. I love the rain, it is refreshing, it smells organic, it is just a great time to sit next to an open window. Watch. Listen. Let your mind unwind, meditate and perhaps make a list. A list is a great way to expand the writing tool. The list allows the writer, to write. A list is just an outline to something bigger. A shopping list is just an outline of something bigger. For example: Band Aids, this is on list because ......... What happened? Why? Who used them? The amount of informations gathered from the shopping list, one could write a Story for days. Garlic Powder, what are you going to make? What is it used for?  .......Never stop, or denying to yourself you can not write. In some form, we practice everyday. 

4. Nothing Great Comes Easy

This is a hard ticket to sell to a gorgeous 20 year old who is a millionaire swimming around in money on her bed while posting her latest OF video. Although, by the time she is forty, she might be broke, on the run from the IRS, her baby daddies, her loan shark, her drug dealer and so forth. It maybe a little far fetched, but the simple thing is a plumber will fix your leak, a great plumber will make sure your pipes never leak. With greatness, comes patience wise grasshopper. The amount of patience these days wears thins as we tend to base time to internet speed and car salesmen. If and when two people meet, their values may take time to expose. Is it a good fit for your values and way of life? Yes, taking chances are exciting, but is it fulfilling in the long run? You may wake up one day and get lucky. Good for you!

3. Turn Your Phone Off (at least 1 Hour)

Ok, so just to make it clear, this is while you are still awake. Sleeping does not count. Practice coming home and turning the phone off. Unwind from a long day at work or a day-outing. Reflect from the world in your hand. Let your eyes focus on the surroundings. Take the time to better yourself. Nap. Cook. Clean. Draw. Practice being better to yourself. Go for a drive, I have for many years wanted to just toss my phone out the car window. For me, speaking honestly, my phone makes me overthink about everything. I'm an overthinker to begin with. I find getting lost in writing, a video game and/or even walking in nature makes me for alert and focused. Or take a shot.

2.  Have Fun

You ask any 10 different elder people anywhere and I guarantee the wise ones will say it's a short trip, have fun while it lasts. Enjoyment for ourselves can be difficult, but with a small amount of effort and a great supporting cast, life can be fun. There is a few things to remember,  no one can takeaway a grudge you hold on to. So let that shit go, kick it to the curb. Surround yourself with people who respect you, laugh with you, enjoy their company and if you can see yourself with someone you can run around the house together with NERF guns, you better keep them. Being sad is easy, but sometimes its inevitable, then being bored is sad's long lost relative. Being bored for me is dragging me to church. For some that is what some people look forward to all week, and that is their sort of fun activity. Regardless of what you do in life, just don't forget to have a little fun, we all deserve more than we give ourselves.    

1. Be You     

Stop! 

STOP!

Damn you, I said STOP! Stop wanting to be more like them, and be you. You are fucking important and you can do and say anything you want with no expectations. Be the best version of you. Be proud of yourself and not who you want to look like. Money is not answer to you being you. Self-respect, can I get an Amen? Be a role model for those who need a hand in life. Tell stories and spill the beans. Tell someone how you feel. Sing in your car as loud as you want. Over flow the bathtub. Run in the mud barefoot. Throw your pudding at someone. Pee outside. Live outside the bubble. Poke someones bubble who cant pop their own. Breath. Fart in a full elevator and blame it on someone else. Curse a million words. Fuck. Forgive. Live. Breath again (wait till you're maybe out of the elevator). Stretch. Say I love you. Pet animals. Be kind. Drink. Draw. Flush. Spin in circles. Roll down a hill. Climb a tree. Bake a cake. Try Crack. Maybe not try Crack. Yes lets not do Crack. Look for the Moon. Tell Stories. Feel better. Feel alive. Feel you, being you.  

B - You Exist

2023 has kept me busy. I have been to more major cities this year, than in years past. For the last two years I had an office job, in which I gained 20lbs, just from sitting on my fat ass. While, it was a nice change of pace, I came to where I hated it. I had no interaction with others. I worked on a team with three other people, one of which was my boss. Nobody cared for my googly eye hi-jinx. Everyone there thought we conducting brain surgery, everyone was always stressed, when in fact we were producing slot and lottery machines. We were actually making things that some people get highly addicted too. There would be days where I wouldn't talk to anyone and I would go home to my single studio apartment and sit there alone. I think the longest I went without saying a word was three days. I said, aw shit. because my rent was due soon. And I hated paying nearly $1200 for a 315 square foot apartment in the ghetto. I would walk out to used toilets resting by my door. With a door frame that was perviously kick in, but then painted over, as if it were brand new. New paint is only a temporary cover, for problems that exist beneath. 

   Among the days I was silent, I met someone. I had stopped looking, after the last few heartbreaks. She was going through a major war. A war she never thought would happen. A war she was about to surrender to, by not existing anymore. I knew right away she needed to be healed, but we can only fix ourselves. So I knew that instead of fixing I would attempt to heal with laughter and show my venerable stupid side. The side that really shouldn't come out until third or fourth date. (Seen below)

The first video of her I saw, she was at a karaoke bar, and the moment she smiled was the first time I felt my heart beat again. No one has ever done that to me. I lost my breath, I was hyperventilating. If I weren't on the phone watching this, I would have called 911. My whole body became weak, the spine released a tingly rapid sensation that shot up and down my back, causing my shoulders to continuously shiver in the most inviting way. I finally did it, I fell in love at first site. She existed. She still gives me that same feeling whenever I see her. The problem is.........she lives in a different area code. I wanted to do everything I could for her. First off, make everyday seem special and every holiday make better than the pervious year. March 17th was our first date. I drove 8 hours and 5 minutes one way to see her. (I'm getting so emotional right now). It was St.Patricks day. The first time I saw her, she had torn up jeans that showed off her tattoos and a ridiculous green shirt her mom made her wear. I had got an air bnb, and set up food and Irish whiskey with a few gifts for her. The moment we embraced is equaled to that of a small child's reaction to waking up on Christmas to a puppy that they had been asking for. We held each other, close and as we kissed, without hesitation, we kissed and held each other, taking shots and talking until we both passed out. There was a moment during the night where I threw my arm around her, only for her to quickly throw it off of her, but a half a second later, after she realized she was safe, grabbed my arm and threw it back over herself. The next day I took her out on our first date. We were off to Medieval Times, she said she had a friend that worked there as a knight. I paid for us to get the best seats in the house, well I tried. Her friend was a Red Knight and we were in the Yellow section. We got a picture of us before we were seated, but the picture did not come out at the end. Although at the end of dinner, she was crowed Queen of the Night and had taken a picture with the winning Red Knight. So on our first date she got a picture, it just wasn't with her and I. But that didn't matter because she existed and she was with me. I just wanted her to feel like she mattered. She did, and she still does. To this very day, she is loved even more than before. She never needs a coat of paint, she is not damaged goods. Problems are solved, through time. We will all have problems and issues in life, but if we find the right support team, then life becomes a bit easier. The beauty of our existents becomes visible. She exists, even when she thinks she doesn't. She is amazing, an animal lover, a food connoisseur, a healer, a helper, a smart, funny and truly a wonderful matching soul.

I love you, B.          

Time Passes

From the darkness she shines with the beauty she holds together so well 

The moon light inside her soul awakes 

That sly beam of glee that he holds within 

While her charm comes in like a midnight fire 

He adores, patently 

The connection glooms from the distance without the gentle touch 

That feels so real 

Her witchy eyes that tell stories without words 

He listens, continuously 

The haunting drama passes as no angel sings without horns 

As the sea changes paths everyday, she has made it to land 

Set to sail, no more

A path leads to his heart only for her

He awaits, with open arms 

With her devilish smirk fabricated

For his vision is focused under her luring spells of passion 

Seen through rich overgrown forests and the soup like fog 

She stirs the pot, with the warm aroma of deep affectation

He listens, while her heart beats louder 

But as the sun rises, the obstacles come into view 

He is sadden, cues another day without her

Never Far From the Edge of Life

Sometime, a while ago I wanted to see how well I can dodge traffic on a freeway. I didn't know how to heal and I didn't know where to escape. If I blinked, I would have flooded a small village with all the saddness that I once had. I had stopped working out and I had stopped eating. It was as if a black cloud hung over my head. There were times when I should not have been driving, but I told myself, I have a license, duh, drive you moron. I still have a vast amount of pain that explodes from my leg. Imagine a lightning rod that strikes from inside your heel upto your neck. When that happens, I fall to the earth, fall hard like Wile E. Coyote (What does the E stand for?). the only thing I can do is get back up and wait for the next one to strike. I imagine a group of ladies seeing me walk down the sidewalk with my limp n lean when a lightning bolt strikes my heel, they all be like. "Damn who is that fine looking man with the gangsta lean who just fell on the ground only to get himself up again and laugh about it". Yeah, I image the far-fetched scenarios. I tend to sleepwalk through my exisitest. I couldn't at one point trust anyone, and sometimes my fear of dying alone is on track. But then again everyone dies alone, unless there is a massive volcano strike, and if you are embraced together, well then. I have been written into life on earth for what? To work for nothing, to leave nothing behind? To live in pain? Not to be loved? To feel alive, but dead inside. There will always be more questions than answers. Self manipulations could cause of oneself to continuously pause their life. Sometimes this pattern becomes our daily routine, thus becoming aware of it happening. This becomes more of a struggle to shake off when it becomes piled on by more. The expectations we force ourselves into are damaging and it could affect the people around us. In some cases this can cause self-gaslighting, the denial of your own self. I used to blame myself for what happened when I was six years old, for the pain I'm in now. I don't anymore, it's the paths we choose in life. I have been on a wild ride so far. Along the way, there were some doubts, and some "Oh fuck, I shouldn't of done that". Yet I reget nothing. The only thing you can regret is not trying. I have worked in radio and in a brothel. I have been to many places, but I don't wanna see more places alone, yet sometimes its not feasible. One man quit his job and started walking from Delaware to Washington with a sign on his shirt saying "Hello, we may never see each other again, but it was to see you." Off he went never to be seen from or heard from again. In another city somewhere there is a struggling person who keeps praying to win the lottery, it is a nice thought, but how can you win when you don't play. I am not saying to gamble your life away, but pursue that happiness that you deserve in life. Being sad is always easier than being happy, but happiness feels so much better internally. Actions speak louder than words, and when you show it, it will reflect on you, especially when you look in the mirror. Fuck, is that....is that me grining? I did this once in the mirror, and although I look like the Grinch when he was up to no good in Whoville, my grin grew three sizes.

What? Bob Saget!

For the record, 2021 was by far the worst in my life long biography. What happened? Doesn't matter. When I sit, close my mind and imagine. Forcing all of the creative juices out from me, I sit, open my eyes to a blank sheet of paper. I can't think, everything is either empty or black, as if there was nothing there. I have had this for too long and I hate it, but I don't know how to change the living sponge in my head. Before my last accident in 2004, I felt so alive, creative, goofy......and down right untouchable. Maybe I did die as my oxygen level was down to 16 (normal level is about 97). Maybe that part of me did die, I dunno. I often wonder if there is another form of life after this? I watch amazing shows like The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and the Righteous Gemstones and wonder what am I missing to be a tad bit funny, fuck even Pete Davidson dressed up as Count Chocula and made me laugh once. This past weekend Bob Saget died, I grew up with him. He was my dad on Friday and Sunday nights. He was enjoyable, corny, but it wasn't until he directed a small movie called Dirty Work, that I saw what Bob Saget could really do. Dirty work wasn't going to win Saget an Oscar, nor did any of the critics praise this movie at all, but I loved it. Starring the late great Norm MacDonald, Dirty Work is one comedy I enjoyed so much I saw it multiple times in the theater. Looking back, I re-watched it the other day, not only did it hold it on my end but I also noticed something........something that not a lot of people pick up on. It was stacked with talent, cameos that a typical comedy today would be hard to do. (Jack Warden Don Rickles Chevy Chase Chris Farley David Koechner Fred Wolf Kay Hawtrey Kevin Farley Gary Coleman Adam Sandler) Those are a few off the top of my head. Bob Saget at the time best known for being the first host of America's Funniest Videos and playing Danny Tanner, the dad from Full House. As well as being a stand up comedian, where he would become friends with everyone. Saget was just that nice, so of course (even if he thought the script was trash) Rickles would say yes, that's just how Saget was, nice. And to hear about his death and how it happen so quickly, so young, so many90's night in front of the TV with him, Norm, Betty, Madden....gone...It just feels like I have so much more to do before, but how? When? Where? With what? I don't even have time anymore for a family of my own. It takes time and so much money. I almost think that if there were no objects of time and no sales of money, would I still be trying to think......

Is it the Wine Talking?

First off I'm built of more whips than Nae Nae's. If I'm not working I'm lying in bed. In my life time I've probably bought 10 bottles of wine. Since Christmas of 2020 I've gone through 40 bottles of wine. I'm not proud of it, I don't need it, but it helps me not think. I don't really have an appetite for anything anymore. I remember getting ready for school when I was little. My sister and I would get up extra early to dress my brother in the front of the fireplace. We didn't have central heating, but we had a fireplace. I'll never forget that goddamn fireplace, because my sister and I had to stack wood after school every goddamn day. The shit got old really fast, cord after cord after cord of wood. I remember one time my mother came out to help us stack wood and a gardener snake came out and she flipped the fuck out. She grabbed a hoe and chopped up that motherfucker into 18,000 goddamn pieces. That poor gardener snake didn't have a chance. I noticed that I cuss a lot more when I get a little buzz, but I don't feel anything anymore I'm numb and then I pass out and go to sleep. I wake up and I'm fucking thirsty for water and I have to face the day. I've never been this more depressed in my entire life but I don't care. It was bound to happen. I think to myself why can't anybody ever love me. But then what does it matter I spent my whole entire life without one person even giving a shit that I was an option. I know, I know there's been times when I loved myself but there's been times where I'm like who the fuck are you Mr. Mind? So why care now. I'm done being upset. This sucks because I do still care. The word caring in my life has gotten me inches so far. Its as if the word caring means to do the moonwalk in life. But let me tell you whatever I bought tonight is goddamn awful, the wine is awful. One time my sister and I were in the front yard arguing about something. I don't really know what we were arguing about, but it made my mom mad and she pounded on my sisters window which faced the front yard. My mother started pounding on my sisters window and telling us to be quiet. My mother didn't know her own strengths and broke the window. My sister and I started laughing at her. We ended up getting grounded because my mother broke the window. I guess she was angry at us, I don't really remember, I just remember her face when she broke the window. It was hilarious. I don't know how to be myself around anybody anymore. My best friend Tony he is the only one who really knows knows whats going on. He's always been by my side since six grade. I had to change schools in the middle of sixth grade. That does a lot on a kid, not to mention a kid with a limp. On my second day of six grade at the new school, Tony and I started swinging on the swings and my shoe came off and hit a girl in the face. Her name was Beth, she got a scar right next to her eye and nobody messed with me after that. I felt bad she sat right next to me during band class. I played the clarinet but I was last chair because I hated playing the clarinet. I know my blogs don't make sense all the time and this is no exception. Wine it! Cheers.

----The Blue Nun----Our evening began in Peter Seychelle's comfortable study In his new york townhouse Where the candle light was just right The hi-fi was in the background And the wine was delicious What's the secret, Peter? Naturally, I'll say it's the wine Mmm, it does go well with the chicken Delicious again, Peter

It’s Valentine’s Day!! Don’t Read if You Don’t Like the Picture

Fuck! Why does this so-called holiday have to exist? There should be a non-governmental committee to change this holiday. We could call it the group of cool people for the district planet earth-472, earthly changes that will not effect anyones daily life cycle. The alternative names for February 14 would be - Happy Fight Club Day, Happy Fuck You Day, Happy Depression Day, Happy Sharpen Knives in a Shady Park Day or Happy Tap That Day. Let's face it flowers die and chocolate just makes you fat. My heart this year is still in 1 million pieces, it's nothing new, this is what I'm used to. For a moment, I did feel so warmth of my beating heart, it was a goddamn breathless moment. But nevertheless it's back to its original state of shatterness.

However something new is there this time, it's a sense of numbness, like I have no feelings for anything at all. And the scary thing is I am kinda OK with it. Yeah I know that is probably not the right thing to do going forward. But I can't help how fucked up I feel inside. And I pushed a lot of people away because of it. And I'm still OK with it but I know it's not right. Am I alive or am I just kidding myself. I'm fearless but I'm scared, physically I can take pain, but emotionally I'm stuck with pain. You could be the nicest person in the world, be loving, caring and be a giver, but when you don't realize that you are mean thats terrifing. At least a bully knows when they are being mean. They don't sugar coat it. So fuck my feelings they don't need anymore exposure moving forward. I'll just start writing about fake plastic trees and bury little emotion. It just takes some time but I will be back to the ol "used" me in no time. ............I've always searched for change, but I never found it. So I ran, I'm done running. < class="separator" style="clear: both;">

Oh My God, It’s Crocodile Dundee

People are funny. People are missed. Some people don't have a clue. Some people are nice. Some people claim they're nice. Some people go out of their ways for other people and some people just claim they do. Some people ghost out. Some people would not ever do cowardless acts. Some people might think this is a really bad version of Dr Seuss book. Some people will say anything and some people will listen and believe their words. And even some people claim they met Crocodlie Dundee. I am pleased to say I have a friend in Washington who has helped me through this fucked up winter. Everyone could use a friend like mine. She sticks with me on my rollercoaster like no others. I feel like I'm on this roller coaster and I can't get off. Sometimes the tracks disappear, yet I still make it through the ride. And as more and more people get off the ride, I look back and see her waving at me. She wants to go around again and again. As we go on the roller coaster ride every round seems like it gets smoother and smoother and more and more of the track comes into focus. It's as if the roller coaster ride is slowly becoming fun again. It's being repaired slowly and creatively. I know I'll be leaving this roller coaster soon and moving on to other attractions. But for now I must stay on the coaster until it's fully repaired. Whenever I feel the tracks are coming apart, I remember her quote, I just read the sign she posted at the begining of the ride ---"Even the right person at the wrong time, is still the wrong person" --- So why stay on this right? Why don't I just get off and move on? It's because I don't want any imposters to ride this ride. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice get the fuck off of this ride. I also want to make sure that it's fully functional and ready to go. ------ While I truly miss the people in Washington, the weather, the nature, I just need to feel grounded. For the last five years I have seen a lot and I have done a lot. I may only have one heart, but it feels like its been pooped to many times.

I feel sometimes as if my heart just drank a case of Mountain Dew and snorted coke lines off a stripers ass. And my anxiety is that the door with more cases of Mountain Dew and blow. Then my mind is no fucking help at all. It may tell the heart to slow down, but in all reality I will lose focus really fast instead of watching the heart at its most vulnerable. My mind will try its hardest to focus, but then shit like this will happen --- Hold on hard hold on for one more day heart, wait, is that a Wilson Phillips band song. I remember the video with the three sisters they were on top of the hill slapping their legs to the beat of their cringy song, wait was that the same hill that's in the opening credits of the Little House on the Prairie, I only made it through the credits because I thought it was hilarious when the little girl fell down the hill, and I don't know why the producer said let's just keep this in the opening credits, Wait, I think I still have more credits on my Dave and Busters card in my wallet, why I have two D&b cards, fuck if I know, wait, I know, is today the 10th? I need food, but don't feel like cooking (Anxiety walks through the door of the heart and tosses up another Mountain Dew) I need to buy another book, who really buys butt plugs anymore, how do you order a computer online when you don't have one to begin with, My dad's funny he still thinks we met Crocodile Dundee at some geriatric shit hole casino, Paul Hogan who plays Crocodile Dundee would never sign an autograph "To my pal, your mate Croc Dundee", hey mind, let's not ever argue this with dad again, let's just say he's right, do you smell that smoke smells like somebody's burning something, why does my left arm hurt holy shit am I having a heart attack. I just need to remind my heart.

Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was my popsicle stick cabin. That shit took me two weeks in six grade.

My Haircut Sucks

Welcome to February, worst month ever. There's only one reason why this month is so terrible. It's terrible for singles, it's terrible for couples, the pressures on more than any other holiday of the year. Valentine's Day needs to be drug out into the street and taught a lesson. The last girl I really liked I might not get over at all, of course I can move on but she's always going to be in the back of my mind. I wonder how she's doing, I wonder if she's OK. It's gonna be a long time before I can shake this. I Look at her and the world has stopped spinning. And I have never felt that way before. Right now, its important for me to step aside and let her do her thing. So for Valentine's Day I am going to dress up as Cupid. Although Cupid's going to have a broken heart and no game. I have been pretty down lately but I hold and hide my emotions fairly well in person now. I almost feel like a new person, only in a more cynical way. I love hearing cliché phrases you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel or things will get better they always do or there's plenty of fish in the sea. So my cynical self felt that I needed to change so I got a ridiculous haircut that I absolutely hate. When I was 17 years old I was talking to a girl or a lady online and she worked as a hairdresser. It was here in Reno and I often drive by it just to see if it's open still. I....I actually haven't driven by there in about 10 years. I have never gone back to that place to get another cut and here's why. At the age of 17 to my current age right now, I have no idea when I'm flirting or when I'm not flirting. I know when I'm forcefully flirting and it's not working, but when I casually flirt I don't think I'm flirting at all. So this lady told me to come down and she would give me a free haircut. I said wow that is awesome a free haircut. She said yes come down after closing time and I'll be the only one in the building, I was 17 I didn't catch on to her lingo. So I went down there, sat in the chair she turn down the lights and cut my hair. She was absolutely wearing no bra because she kept smashing her tits into my head. My heart was racing and I was a little nervous at the time. This lady was probably 29 years old at the most. She gave me one of the worst haircuts in history. When I said - are you done she said no and unzipped my pants and took off her shirt. And then gave me my first hummer. I had forgotten how awful my haircut was she had just given me. I walked out of the building as if I just woke up from a good nights rest. As I looked in my rearview mirror at my haircut it was as if I slept on one side of my head all night long. I felt kind of awful I didn't even tip her. She said it was a free haircut.

So now every time I get a haircut, a bad haircut, I just think how suckier it could of been. *sigh*

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - Fin

This is the end. The radio silence is too much to bare. You sit on a rock on your island, but all you have are memories. Staring out into the sea, you haven't seen a boat pass by you, haven't seen a helicopter or plane in the sky it's as if you were deserted and left there for a reason. Yet you will never know the reason why, it may never come to you again. You have done your best, there is no going back now. You have done your best to keep to yourself and not talk to anyone else. There is only one way off this island. You struggle with the beautiful thing that get stuck in your mind and no longer can see. All that you can remember is laughing and having the best time of your life. When you seek other treasure be strong be yourself and know that not all treasure is real. Don't believe everything that you hear or see until you know that it's real. So believe it, it's been over a month you've been lost at sea it's time to start paddling somewhere and hopefully something will come by if not keep swimming. You want to reach out just say hi, but you don't want to sink again. You know there's other treasure in the sea, but you're afraid to get rejected by anything else. The heart is weak and fragile and it once was coated by stone. it desperately sucks waking up in the morning and the first thing you wanna think about still is the treasure at the bottom of the sea. Time will tell the story. It's not up to you if you are a part of it, just know that you'll be here if ever anyone needs you. Just keep your eye open for rescue boat, but beware, be cautious, be optimistic, but most importantly just be you. Good Bye.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - The Sky

Imagine the sky when you close your eyes. Is it blue? Are there clouds? Is the sky gray?

The sky you imagine, that will be your concept of what it looks like. It's real easy to imagine what the sky you picture is. Once you realize the concept of what something looks like it's real easy to think of it. Everyone has a concept and everyone is familiar with what their own sky looks like. The sky, just like your thoughts will never go away. It may change, but the sky will always come right back to being blue. As much as you want to move on from a blue sky there maybe no escaping something that is beautiful. There is nothing like the warmth and comfort of a nice blue sky. Now picture yourself lying in the sand with somebody else close, practically ear to ear. You're both holding hands, you both have an EarPod in each of your outter ears as you stare at the blue sky and share a song together. This is the sky you want, you can imagine the face but you don't care about the place. You both are under the same sky, no matter what color it maybe. No matter the difference with the concept of the sky. You both lie in the same spot underneath the sky. Why do your thoughts keep punishing you from these mirages of happiness? You've seen this island before but you still wait to see all the beauty that lies at the bottom of the sea. It's as if skies turn gray and it starts to snow, it snows for five long days isolating you in one spot. Now your thoughts move from a blue sky to a gray sky where everything is cloudy all the time. You can only escape while you sleep, but you can never control your dream state. You find it difficult to function under any sky. The cliché saying the heart wants what the heart wants is utter bullshit when there's no talking with the sky at all, it does what it does. The beautiful thing is the sky is always around you. Be thankful for waking up out of your tortured dreams of hope and viewing the sky above. So just appreciate the sky for what it is as you lay in the sand sinking into it. Remember clouds come and go but the sky will always be there.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - The Soundtrack

No island would be complete without its own soundtrack. These are songs that get washed up on shore, sinking to you. They make you happy, they make you smile, they make you sad, but most importantly they make you feel something. To feel something, is beautiful, at least you did, it only took 45 years, but it happened.

Thrice - Sea Change/// The Avalanches - Interstellar Love/// The Head and the Heart - Another Story/// Pacific - Sleeping at Last/// Mathew Mole - Running After You/// Old Sea Brigade - Love Brought Weight/// Jimmy Eat World - 23, My Sundown, Kill/// Lord Huron - The Birds are Singing at Night/// The XX - Islands/// The Cars - Drive/// Fink - Looking Too Closely/// Maxence Cyrin - Where is My Mind?/// Lord Huron - The Night We Met/// (This is the theme) Sleep well-----

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - You Don’t Belong Here

Welcome, rest, relax, kick back there is no one here or there to save you. You are free from anyone ever caring for you, loving you, wanting you, being with you, you are on your own. You know this feeling all to well, it is like getting run over and used. But welcome to paradise. Here you are invited to craft that noose out of bamboo leaves and build that boat that someone promised to do together(a metaphor). You hold it together so well and yet no one knows. No one knows the pain you've gone through throughout your entire life, whenever there's a glimmer of hope it's always shut down immediately no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want it, there is nothing you can do. Your heart wasn't meant to become a punching bag. Yet it hangs on by a thread.

There are these tools moving forward. Being isolated teaches you to not make the same mistakes. It won't drag others down with you. When you sink in the boat, you sink alone. No longer do others care, its as if you were telling someone your dream. Nobody cares, and this is Careless island. Where being ghosted by the people you care about deeply hurts no matter how much time has passed. The one-sided passion song is always off by one note.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - Old Familiar Territory

Déjà vu - While the sand is warm and soft, you stare out into the sea. There is nothing for miles. Your eyes squint as the dryness from the salt water evaporates into your skin. Your toes wiggle around sifting through the sand as the breeze tosses your thoughts around. You are alone. You don't travel around the island, you know you've been here before. The silence still hurts your heart, but your voice and words fall on deaf ears. There is no longer anyone to hear them. You miss the simple "goodnight" words that for some reason have gotten loss in the crowd. You though, if you heard it you would lose yourself in happiness. There has never been hope in your life. For its a four letter word that does not mean anything. This is your life, no matter how hard you try. No one fucking cares, its obvious, even those that seem to care have dissappeared. You know in the past that you try to build a boat and sail away and the boat breaks in fall back into the sea. Some would say to build that boat better and stronger. Sometimes it's easier said than done. Especially when those who tell you to build a stronger boat, don't need a boat at all. You know you are done talking, trying and see that being a good person only gets you deserted. So maybe its true being nice only leads you to pain. And therefore its a vicious cycle, welcome to the begining, again.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - The Middle

Hand Covers Bruise, the song from Trent Reznor is featured on the Social Network soundtrack. Its a song that you constantly hear while treading through the sea. A deep and terrifing song that contains no lyrics, but rests the fear into your soul. There's a storm on the horizon, the waves shift coming at you in all directions. Everything that once mattered is now put on hold, as the sea water overtakes you. Right now it doesn't matter how much money you have, what type of career you have, how successful you are, all that matters is what you do right now to survive. Drowning is a last ditch effort. Lost and water blinded you seek relief and dive back into the sea. As you make your way back down to the bottom of the sea, you realize you've been swimming in circles, the treasure you seek is right in front of you. If you knew this was the last time you'd see this treasure again, you would of taken your time to say good-bye. There would be no rush, no nerves, no nothing to take that moment away. You sat alone forever waiting for a moment like this. Even if you were to see this treasure again, never get tangled up in a lonely dream. Live everyday like its the last day of your life. You should of showed that to the treasure. As the underground current picks you up and wooshes you away. Theres no fight left in you to seek this treasure again. Let it find you, you are the treasure. You know you didn't even get to say good-bye. They say the pain will go away, but does it really? No one is built the same, some are better swimmers and some are better rocks. While being washed away by the current you feel like you are somewhere between happiness and death. A difficult spot to be in, for you've lived your whole entire life in this very same spot. You've seen glimpses of happiness and rode the edges of death. The heart beats faster when it knows what it wants. You wash up on shore on a deserted island. This is exactly where you've been for your entire life, happiness would've been if you had got rescued and death would've been drowning at the bottom of the beautiful sea.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - The Four Agreements

- From Don Miguel Ruiz - When you have an incredible friend and human from LA. She games on-line with you all the time, you bond and connect. She is a vet tech who is married to her wife and they have one kid. They all seem to adore you. Although, she feels you haven't been yourself lately. You are not doing corny silly stuff and running amok while playing online games with her. You are quiet, you are drained, you just have lost your words. You are drinking from the bottle. You explain yourself and the situation and all she can say is --She is lucky to have met someone like you--but I miss you now--please come back friend this is not your war to fight--if its to be it will be--but I need you to come back, don't drown-- You feel as if you learned to swim again, still lost in the sea, it's time to swim away from the shark. There is still treasure to be found in the spot but for now you must leave. You leave empty handed with nothing from the beautiful sea. If one day you are invited back to the spot, together you may find the treasure. Swim away, go now, the sea is to murky. Find and swim away even if its the wrong way, you dont belong here and you are not welcome anymore. Ruiz agreements are ----Be impeccable with your word.---Don't take anything personlly.---Don't make assumptions. ---Always do your best. Use these set of agreements while you swim away, in the unpredictable sea. You may think about that treasure forever and ever, but remember if you're not invited to find it there's other treasure in the sea. Even if this treasure you seek will always be at the top of the list, the treasure DOESN'T WANT YOU HERE!