Never Far From the Edge of Life

Sometime, a while ago I wanted to see how well I can dodge traffic on a freeway. I didn't know how to heal and I didn't know where to escape. If I blinked, I would have flooded a small village with all the saddness that I once had. I had stopped working out and I had stopped eating. It was as if a black cloud hung over my head. There were times when I should not have been driving, but I told myself, I have a license, duh, drive you moron. I still have a vast amount of pain that explodes from my leg. Imagine a lightning rod that strikes from inside your heel upto your neck. When that happens, I fall to the earth, fall hard like Wile E. Coyote (What does the E stand for?). the only thing I can do is get back up and wait for the next one to strike. I imagine a group of ladies seeing me walk down the sidewalk with my limp n lean when a lightning bolt strikes my heel, they all be like. "Damn who is that fine looking man with the gangsta lean who just fell on the ground only to get himself up again and laugh about it". Yeah, I image the far-fetched scenarios. I tend to sleepwalk through my exisitest. I couldn't at one point trust anyone, and sometimes my fear of dying alone is on track. But then again everyone dies alone, unless there is a massive volcano strike, and if you are embraced together, well then. I have been written into life on earth for what? To work for nothing, to leave nothing behind? To live in pain? Not to be loved? To feel alive, but dead inside. There will always be more questions than answers. Self manipulations could cause of oneself to continuously pause their life. Sometimes this pattern becomes our daily routine, thus becoming aware of it happening. This becomes more of a struggle to shake off when it becomes piled on by more. The expectations we force ourselves into are damaging and it could affect the people around us. In some cases this can cause self-gaslighting, the denial of your own self. I used to blame myself for what happened when I was six years old, for the pain I'm in now. I don't anymore, it's the paths we choose in life. I have been on a wild ride so far. Along the way, there were some doubts, and some "Oh fuck, I shouldn't of done that". Yet I reget nothing. The only thing you can regret is not trying. I have worked in radio and in a brothel. I have been to many places, but I don't wanna see more places alone, yet sometimes its not feasible. One man quit his job and started walking from Delaware to Washington with a sign on his shirt saying "Hello, we may never see each other again, but it was to see you." Off he went never to be seen from or heard from again. In another city somewhere there is a struggling person who keeps praying to win the lottery, it is a nice thought, but how can you win when you don't play. I am not saying to gamble your life away, but pursue that happiness that you deserve in life. Being sad is always easier than being happy, but happiness feels so much better internally. Actions speak louder than words, and when you show it, it will reflect on you, especially when you look in the mirror. Fuck, is that....is that me grining? I did this once in the mirror, and although I look like the Grinch when he was up to no good in Whoville, my grin grew three sizes.