I Bought a New Car, Here's the Problem

Over three days I have been making a deal for a new car. I had over 129K on my old car and I just needed something newer, maybe anything with built in blue tooth. I do love my Spotify blasting in this little beast though.

So why so I feel so down? I feel like I am drowning in water right now. My legs feel like they are complete mush. I can't get myself to smile, I feel blue and down in the dumps. All because I bought a car! Or is it? Today I was fine, just working and doing my thing. I know it wasn't an impulse buy, this dumb deal took three days. I have good credit and money was not an issue. I do want to take it out on roadtrips, but deep down inside I don't wanna ride alone. I fear that might be the case. Not to brag, but I know I am a hellava catch. Ok so I might not have my own place, but big deal, who does in Denver? Rich assholes and gold diggers? Probably.

Back in the day I would be cruising everywhere showing that shit off, even if it were a Ford Probe. Worst👏 car👏 I 👏ever 👏had. I know I just miss her, I text but I get no reply. I try to give her space and time. I knew the moment I first saw her I would do anything for her. I come on strong, but I always hold the door open. I may speak to much, but I never lie. I just don't want a (Netflix YOU) "Karen", I have always liked and needed a vivacious spark. Hmmm, just to hold her one more time would be absolutely amazing.  I am not a psycho, if someone doesn't want anything to do with me then fine. I like the chase as much as I like to pull back. I really wanted to tell her what I remembered befor I had that accident, very few people know, but I wanted to tell her. And maybe then she would get me, maybe a little more. I bought her flowers not on Valentines day, but just out of the blue with her favorite colors. I just wanted her to get a small glimmer of what I'm like. Last time she texted me was Saturday. Ha, I know that's not even a week ago, but it seems like eternity. I have asked her to dinner, with no answer. Some might say, dude suck it up move on. Moving on is easy, if you know there was no connection and well I did fall in #^@& at first sight. I swear sometimes you just know. It hit me like a swarm of butterflies. I was hot on the coldest day. I had goose bumps around my heart. I starred like a deer in headlights into her eyes........pause..........one second...........I had to look at my car, this is about my car, not the #(*^ of my life. Car, vroom, it's outside. It's ok she might be thinking of you right now.

I can't wait to pick up my niece for her Daddy Daughter dance tomorrow. I am stepping in for my brother who is overseas now. It is an under the sea dance. I will be dancing and drowning, ha! My boss told me I was a good person, but come on who would really say no? I have to shop for clothes tomorrow and I am horrible at it. Help me!!!!! Hey new car go buy me some sweat clothes, ill buy you and your car buddies around of 5w20.

Good Night

Childhood Education Part 1

Growing up, I learned, not a lot, but I learned..........was eventually better, than I had thought.

Elementary school 
First off I was an easy target for bullies. And for sure, sure I tell ya why. It was third grade, the year I was released out of the hospital. I was in a comma for a month, I didn't even know what the world was, but apparently I remembered  I liked baseball. While I was in the hospital I had to learn to talk, walk eat, piss and deal with the future of pain. I was 7. I was held back in the middle of the school year to 2nd grade. I was mad at the world I didn't even know existed. kids made fun of my walk, but there was nothing I could do about that. So I pressed on.


2nd Grade-

How do you spell the word Children?  Easy remember it's a Child (r)ead (e)very (n)ight

  -I totally spelled that word wrong on my spelling test, but I did spell the state "Mississippi" right. I remembered the "ipp" still makes me chuckle. Stop what ever you are doing at this portion and spell "assertive" out loud. Ready, GO! . . . Stop! Haha ass. Now hold your tongue and say the word purse and ship. Hehe, and that was 2nd grade. Oh yeah and Rebecca peed her pants in class. I didn't care, she was always stealing my scratch'n sniff stickers off of my art drawings of the Three Amigos.

3rd Grade-

My grandfather would buy me candy, mostly Tootsie Pops and fake cigarettes. Little did I know that these were a hot commodity on the playground of an elementary school located in the middle of BFE. The school is out in the middle of a desert in Nevada two miles from the California boarder. I am glad I was caught, because I was good at hustling product out to the childern in the playground at recess. Lord knows what dark turns I could of taken, if I werent't caught. I sold so much candy in the three weeks I felt like I was a millionaire, with my $37. But one day I was swinging on a swing and fucking Rebecca, lady pee pants, stealer of all stickers. Well she leaned up against the pole and started counting. Back in the day we had to take turns on the swings, one had to count to 20. She made it to 20 in like 2.67 seconds. I continued to swing. And adding to her personality list, she added NARC. Some teacher with witchy glasses, charged over with her clipboard firmly clinched with her skeleton hand and smashed against her bosom. I don't remember her name, but man every little kid hated her. She was a 6th grade teacher, who we all thought was kissing the janitor, Mr. Camp. I know that guy did lots of drugs. He looked like Bob Ross, if Bob Ross went to clown school on crack. So, I had my pockets filled with "the goods" I had to do what any dumb drug dealer would do. I had to ditch that shit son! I leap off he swing and ran. A coaches whistle blew. I didn't want to even turn around, I continued to the chain link fence at the edge of the playground. I then emptied my pockets, tossing all my loot through the diamond shaped holes. I spent that afternoon in the principles office Mr. Crows, he later died a few year after that. He OD'd. I retired.

4th Grade-

Math was and is still so easy for me, but I can't stand it. It is really boring, unless it's a musical Venn Diagram. The classroom was always dark, Mr. Troop had a reaction to florescent lights. I think he was always high. It was nice though, I napped and did math a lot. I never really talked to Mr. Troop, the poor guy always spit a little while he spoke. Multiplication of 9's were the easiest. 1 - 9 x 9 will always ad up to 9. 9x6=54 (5+4=9). Pff lol Math.

5th Grade - 

My first real girlfriend, I guess. I found out the hard way never have your permanent seat by a girlfriend in class. There were fun times, but also there a lot of "why didn't you call me" and "buy me stuff". We didn't make it to 6th grade. I also found out that I was pretty great with a violin, but pretty terrible with a clarinet. I also refused to sing John Denver's Sunshine on my Shoulders. I was in love with Beastie Boys. Paul's Boutique was and still my favorite album. I was listening to more music, but I never sang a song to anyone. You are all welcome. Well ok, I have done Karaoke. My parents started fighting  and arguing more. 6th grade was spent in in two different school. That started a whole new group of friends and shenanigans. 

A Quicky: Where is My Mind??

"They call me Mind, Mr. Mind"

*chugs martini*

-Split it out a second later-

*Spit it back into the martini glass*

 "Someone already spit this back into the glass, am I right?"

When I was growing up all I ever heard was "a mind is a terrible thing to waste". Well my mind, like others has it's moments of genius and stupidity paths. It can also become a confused darken mess when the a dopamine hits, I think my neurons have small little light sabers and block that shit. Where my mind screws the pooch at, is when "things I can do" vs "things I want to do". It's like all the battles, that have ever been a battle play out in my mind at one time. People used to tell me they would like to see my thought process, me, my thought process.

Here is a quick video link about tarter sauce from the under-rated Weatherman movie

https://youtu.be/vRaCv5oNQ3w

That is my thoughts process.

My mind is in the gutter, but that is no shocker. To be precise its  39% gutter with 51% being respect. The other 10% is around sometimes, ill let ya know if it tells me. Most normal people drift into the gutter, some more than others and others less than.

You're just like every guy

"MMM no, not at all"  -

I hold the god-damn door open for everyone, I make sure to say thank you, I say good-bye, I tell my fam I love them, I curse out drivers with my window closed, I send flowers, I see people in the hospital, I don't sleep with anyone on the first date, I show my faults, I learn from mistakes, I never hold grudges, I have helped people from suicide, I am a Neil Diamond fan, I get in the way and I stay out of the way, I speak the truth and my heart is bigger than my mind

 Not going to lie here, I have had those moments though. Just not giving two fucks if someone was blowing me while I was live on the air promoting the new Hoobastank album at 10:30pm. I only cared when two weeks later she, the blower, became an intern.

I did, by accident run over an intern who was dressed as a reindeer in a golf cart. I don't think I took anything serious while working in radio. Outside of radio was different, I did try. I remember hosting a candle lit dinner, only to be let down with a no show. Other-times I was so wrapped up in my work at four radio stations, I missed the last day off my grandmother being alive. 

My mind is on moving, picking the right TV, a new car, where the hell is my gum, I injured myself at work, I need a fucking massage, my best friends (couple) are going to be parents for the first time, more lists, less lists, boobies, butts, why did I say boobies, I am not 13, Honkers, that's better, I'm cold, I never get cold, tarter sauce, her, when can I make it to the batting cages again, wtf did I do to my sholder and I am thirsty

Online Dating is Hard - a Quick Summery Why

I'm #1.....0r 2.....What ? 12, Really, I'm Your #12.

On my path through dating sites. I have noticed a few things.

Roses - are not just a flower anymore

Do you party - does not mean there is a keg to tap


The older I get the less likely it is that I will be someones #1. The age range to become someones little fuzzy-bunny-honey #1 is most likely between the ages of 12-28. That doesn't mean an 80 year-old can't find their #1. But it's about how we fall in line.

I was recently on Pleantyoffish.com or POF, whatever and how ever you want to google search it. The site has some major flaws, with zero customer service help. One night I had logged out of my account went to sleep and woke up the next day to log in. I had instantly changed into a Hispanic 22 year old who does not own a shirt. All of my pics were changed, my awesome screen name was stolen. After I had logged off and logged back in I could not log back in.  I was forced into making another wonderful profile. I used two of my favorite things. Cats and Tacos. Then it dawned on me.

Cats and Tacos are my #1 and #2 favorite things. No woman could ever become my #1, or could she? I have no kids and currently have no tacos or cats. SO a woman could come in and be my #1.

But wait!

What if she has three children, then I will never be #1. I'd always be #4.

But wait!

If she has three children, two dogs, then the likely hood of being #4 is shoved down to #6 at best.

But wait!

If she has three children, two dogs, and a childhood best friend, then the hammer comes down at me landing at #^@&#*#@*$*7

But wait!

If she has three children, two dogs, a childhood best friend, a dying beloved grandmother, then I would only be at #8 for smidgen.

But Wait!

If she has three children, two dogs, a childhood best friend, a dying beloved grandmother, where I would only be at #8 for smidgen, but she has always loved Disneyland and pizza. The math gets a bit dicey at this part. I will just say, ballpark, uh, err, ummm.... between #23 and #37.

Hey dog, welcome to the back of the line, in two to three months!

So the next time you go searching for your #1, make sure the the pic of her or him is with out numbers :)

Good-luck, I'm deleting my account

and eating tacos.

Good Night Chris Cornell

George Eastman invented the Kodak camera. He did something that no other person at the time did. He made sure that hundreds of small town folks could share and save their memories. Eastman touched the lives of families and in the process made Kodak a household name. Kodak was a word he just made up, it had no meaning, and that's what Eastman wanted. By the age of 77, George Eastman took his own life with a shotgun. He left a note saying "My work is done, why wait?"

Who knows what Chris Cornell was going through May 17, 2017 on the Detroit stage inside the Fox Theater. As he was singing, did age catch up to him? He was a recovering addict, did he slip and not tell anyone? Did he realize his bands would never reach that high peak again? Cornell has a family, he is well off, he has seen the world. He is loved by other talented musicians, fans, and other respectable people. As more details unfold, Cornell left a bizarre note and was found hung, an apparent suicide in the MGM Grand Hotel. Whatever Cornell's struggles were he made an impact on my life. He thanked me for everything I had done. I am just a fan. I bought the records. I went to live show. I am just a fan. So, Thank you. Thank you for making me still sing out loud in my car, blasting your music loud and just sharing your beautiful mind with the world. If that is what you wanted, you succeeded sir. 

Scott Weiland, Layne Staley, and even Kurt Cobain are the pioneers of a type of rock music that changed the world of music, grunge rock. Eddie Vedder (same age as Cornell)  is also included in the bunch, but for him his work is not done yet. 

The Thought of Death Still Lingers with Happiness

Chuck Klosterman wrote a book call, Killing Yourself to Live. In 2012 I went to three foot doctors who told me the best way to live without pain is to amputate my right leg from the knee down. I can remember that long pause sitting in the room with the doctors and hearing the buzz coming from the florescent bulbs in the white walled room. I stared at the paper on the padded bed I was sitting on. I felt a tear in my eye that lingered, waiting for a blink, yet I just stared. They told me as I looked at the x-rays that bones are deteriorating. Today my foot is 60% worst now. I have to consistency lean on things to walk around, even with my A.F.O. brace on. 
Today I went to the movies by myself, again. It had rained while the movie was on. After the movie ended I walked to my car, tripped on the sidewalk fell down hard. I just sat there in silence, I thought about the paper on the padded bed. When I sat their on the wet sidewalk, I felt alone, so alone, even more alone when I secretly listen to the Dave Mathews Band. I am killing the time I have left on this place called earth. I couldn't of just died at six-years-old when I fell of that cliff. Fuck you turd cliff. This has to be a some creators sick joke. 

Creator: Let us drink whiskey from the river

Hours later.......

Creator: Let us make, or I will make *burp* some guy's life rough..... he will live, he will love sports, but can not play them, he will love the movies, but never write one, he will like women, but never have one, he will ..... 

Me.

I was at work the other day the small does of dopamine kicked in and the thought of death made me happy. The truth of the matter is I have spent so much time of my life, the core the great late twenties, all of the thirties spending my time alone, with no one. I don't even have anyone to bitch at or tell them how my day was, hell even ask me how my day was. It just make me more cynical and to change is hard, harder than you would ever believe. I have never wanted pity, no, never thank you. The truth is I would never do anything to harm myself, I am to chicken. Cluck cluck. Is there an escape plan for this? I know people live in fear, stress, unhappiness, anxiety, loss and so on. So why me why am I special, that fact is I'm not. I just want to know why the fuck I am here. My brain is already developed, it's difficult to pick up and learn to draw or play an instrument. Outside of my mother and grandmother no one has ever told me I am good at anything. I try and get up everyday with my best effort I try not burn the day away.  I end up with a pocket full of matches.

Should I Be Asleep? Sunday was Suppose to be Funday

Should I be asleep? No, others might think otherwise. Who? Just ask a "normal" person what time they go bed. Then ask them what time they actually fall asleep. I go to bed when I nod off. This birthday week has kicked my ass. Sometimes it's hard being so far from my people. Then again they are all grown up and have their own lives to deal with. Maybe I will get a van and build a small cabana straw hut somewhere on the ocean, but still have a TV for football and all. Anyways good news is I lost 2lbs over the weekend! Bad news is it was all from my scalp.

I have this on again off again pal who is four, who is related to one of my best friends. So this on again off again pal of mine got to stay here fer 7 straight days!!! Yee Haw!

Who needs an alarm clock when a four-year-old pounds on my door at 6am and says

 "Wake up shithead."

If and only if I want to sleep in and ignore his pleasant pounding at the door, I then wake up to 

"So how did you like sleeping all day?"

Mind you this is the same kid who gets D's and T's mixed up.....The term  "Please tickle me Albert" 

gets mixed reviews in a public setting.

I asked him what he wants to be when he grows up. He said a window licker.....then proceeded to lick my door! He is never going to make as a window licker.  

 
                                                       Cohen...aka "Doug Durff Shithead"

                               His favorite things: two bunnies, streetlights, annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd

                                                               sssslapping the crap out of me!!

 

 This is my new free alarm clock

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR RANDOM STUFF!!!!!!

This is one of my favorite songs of this year .. !Mayday! & Murs - "Here"

 This is Bloomfield, CO at the scary pumpkin patch with Cohen...aka "Doug Durff Shithead"

 Doug being a Durff

 This is Kris, his father my best friend, who tells his son to go wake me up in the morning.

 This is a pumpkin......it's broken, I like it.

 Someone said...."I can't afford a pumpkin so I will carve one out real quick like in this field".

 This is me on Thaterday!

 This is the last picture I took with my old camera, my last days in Reno!

This is a school project I had to do ......can you name all the Beastie Boys songs? (hint: there is only 4)

Ok ....one more.... Murs - "Everything"



Movies to watch!
St. Vincent
Life After Beth (Halloween-ish)
Life of Crime (the prequel to Jackie Brown)