The Thought of Death Still Lingers with Happiness

Chuck Klosterman wrote a book call, Killing Yourself to Live. In 2012 I went to three foot doctors who told me the best way to live without pain is to amputate my right leg from the knee down. I can remember that long pause sitting in the room with the doctors and hearing the buzz coming from the florescent bulbs in the white walled room. I stared at the paper on the padded bed I was sitting on. I felt a tear in my eye that lingered, waiting for a blink, yet I just stared. They told me as I looked at the x-rays that bones are deteriorating. Today my foot is 60% worst now. I have to consistency lean on things to walk around, even with my A.F.O. brace on. 
Today I went to the movies by myself, again. It had rained while the movie was on. After the movie ended I walked to my car, tripped on the sidewalk fell down hard. I just sat there in silence, I thought about the paper on the padded bed. When I sat their on the wet sidewalk, I felt alone, so alone, even more alone when I secretly listen to the Dave Mathews Band. I am killing the time I have left on this place called earth. I couldn't of just died at six-years-old when I fell of that cliff. Fuck you turd cliff. This has to be a some creators sick joke. 

Creator: Let us drink whiskey from the river

Hours later.......

Creator: Let us make, or I will make *burp* some guy's life rough..... he will live, he will love sports, but can not play them, he will love the movies, but never write one, he will like women, but never have one, he will ..... 

Me.

I was at work the other day the small does of dopamine kicked in and the thought of death made me happy. The truth of the matter is I have spent so much time of my life, the core the great late twenties, all of the thirties spending my time alone, with no one. I don't even have anyone to bitch at or tell them how my day was, hell even ask me how my day was. It just make me more cynical and to change is hard, harder than you would ever believe. I have never wanted pity, no, never thank you. The truth is I would never do anything to harm myself, I am to chicken. Cluck cluck. Is there an escape plan for this? I know people live in fear, stress, unhappiness, anxiety, loss and so on. So why me why am I special, that fact is I'm not. I just want to know why the fuck I am here. My brain is already developed, it's difficult to pick up and learn to draw or play an instrument. Outside of my mother and grandmother no one has ever told me I am good at anything. I try and get up everyday with my best effort I try not burn the day away.  I end up with a pocket full of matches.