The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - New Year

Stop, as if the world around you is on fire. Think before taking a step. Don't panic, breath. Focus mind, body and that repairable soul on thoughts of what you have. Trust less and don't be fooled for hope, don't be used again. Trust that eagle eye mentality. Learn to see the bullshit before it hits you in the face. Know that some people talk a good game, but they don't seem to have a winning record. If know you are good, then people will fight for you. Stumble forward until you can walk. Remember those who stood by you, no matter whats in the way. Clear the pain below, open your eye wide and see what beauty lies in front of you. Drain the sink of toxic people and know that reality and expectations never existed. It's a false hope of reality. As if you were to crumble up a piece of paper and shoot it into a waste basket, but before tossing it in you say - if I make it they will call me and if I don't, they won't. So what would happen if we didn't toss the piece of paper in and just put it on the table and walked away. Then the next person will come along and make the shot..... or miss it. You've done all you could. No matter how great of shot you could of made..... it's the wrong time. So for now trust in the moon who sees everything, nature who hears all and the sea where the beauty of the world is.

Day- 25

Merry Christmas

Day 23 - My Friend J

Today I am grateful for mine really good friend Janelle. I'm kidding too cheesy she's always really been there for me anytime. She will never know how much she is appreciated by me. She's a hilarious, trustworthy and most importantly blunt as all hell. even if the truth hurts she would rather tell you then pretend like nothings happening. She is a great family and she's done a lot to get where she's at. Today we went Christmas shopping I spent $3.92 on Chapstick and a book. I needed to do more Christmas shopping but I just wanted to hang out with her and Cinnabon. Note to self the mall is not as exciting as it once was. It's packed with too many clothing stores and specialty stores that have soaps and shoes. I forgot to get like three or four gifts while I was out. anyways she knows more shit about me than anybody else does and I trust her with that. everybody needs a Janelle in their life. she wanted me to move back to Reno eight or nine years ago. My only regret is I didn't move back sooner. She's never made me feel like a third wheel or that I am in posing. I feel like some days I can just stop bye as if I were in a sitcom and that's what friends do is just stop by all the freaking time in sitcom. I'm glad I'm back in Reno and I just can't wait for wants to become of this great friendship there's a lot of things to do and I'm just looking forward to it. She's always wanting me to watch Friends, She swears at KFC is delicious and she thinks that Jurassic Park is a great Thanksgiving movie. We almost seem like we're on the same page to when are texting. Thank you, Janelle for everything including introducing me to Julie, your family, dogs and most impotantly yourself. g"/>

Day - 22 Combo

Today, I only woke up at 3:30 AM. And I was wide fucking awake. I don't have kids there's no noise I don't know why I can't sleep. Well to be honest I know but, anyways. Today I'll get my first training opportunity with my friend Sam he's going to show me a diet to get on and what I should focus on in the gym. I'm close to 190 pounds. I was 223 in February. Since going to the gym I've lost an extra 10 pounds. I want to get down to 175lbs. I think I could do it. I'm fasting right now which means I'm only having one meal a day and I'm OK with that. It's mainly chicken with a little carbs. When I was up in Washington I did a lot of research on chickens. I don't know why, but at the time I was really interested in why chickens pecked on each other. Well there is there pecking order whoever the weak chicken is gets pecked on by everybody. The reason is because chickens get bored easily. So I felt bad I went to the grocery store bought a head of lettuce drilled a hole in the middle, put a rope through it and tied at the end. Imagine a tetherball except replace the ball with a head of lettuce pretty much imagine a tetherball except replace the ball with a head of lettuce and put it in the middle of a chicken coop. Now the chickens aren't bored and the weak chicken can heal. Wah-la, now there is a pretend weak chicken which is the head of lettuce.

mmmmmmmm..... grateful for chicken letuce wraps

Day 21 - Almost done with

Hooray, 4:33 in the morning. I am up for another exciting day. Nothing excites me more than waking up to the thought of you. I'm done checking my phone for messages in hopes that you will say at least hi. Or at least think of me. At least once or twice a year because of the way I walk my big toenail just comes off. At first I thought it was exciting and weird, but now it's just normal. I remember when the first time It happened. I was sitting on the couch and I took off my sock in my whole toenail on my big toe just dangle there. No blood in sight and no blood oozing pus, It was just really tender. I was pretty amazed by it actually in retrospect it should've been painful I almost got some salt out to put on the tender spot. But the fact that it wasn't hurting why add more pain to it. I remember I received a telephone call that morning holding my big toenail I was doing three or four things at one time while I was on the phone and I must've accidentally put my big toenail in the silverware drawer without even knowing. I got off the telephone I started looking for the toenail I, I could not find it anywhere. After a while I just gave up and started my day. There was this girl that wanted to come over and hang out I watch a movie. I said of course let's do it. So she came over we decided on Chinese food. This was delicious Chinese food. When the food arrived there was only chopsticks. Now I know how to use chopsticks and I tried to show her but she got frustrated so I told her there is a fork in the silverware drawer. She must've found what I was looking for earlier that day. She lost her appetite left and I never heard from her again.

I don't know which one was worse, but I also had a girlfriend that didn't have any friends so I told her to go make some friends. She did at a church. It was a Mormon church she came over and told me that we can no longer date because she was a Mormon. I seem to strike out everywhere. So just like my toenail I am barely hang in there in the so-called reality of life. I don't know why I wake up so early and go to bed so late I wish I had nothing on my mind I wish I could see you smile more time. I also wish that John Candy, Bob Ross and Jim Henson we're still alive too. I have more of a chance and seeing them alive than seeing you smile again. I feel like my whole existence right now is a constant and continuous Home Alone scene on a loop - The one were Kevin McAllister is walking back from the grocery store with his head down his bags full, then the bittom rips and everthing he has managed to haul back falls everywhere. He just stands there. I am grateful for never throwing in the towel no matter how much I want to every day every second, I have been so very close so many times it may still happen but it hasn't happened yet.

Day 20 - Aqua

Im trying, I'm trying, I am trying. I went and saw the Christmas lights last night by myself. One of my best friends wanted to go and take separate cars. The joy seeing something is seeing it together, that's what I thought. And with COVID-19 here, it's very hard for a single person to not feel like they're alone. My brother he recently got a divorce but he has a kid, so he's never alone. My heart has taken way too many punches but it's still bigger than my brain. I know I need to think before I leap. I wish I was hilarious then that way I can make other people laugh on the spot, I think I can sometimes but not all the time. I got drunk one night in Sparks Nevada back in 1997. It was winter time, but I didn't give a shit. I wanted to walk to the ocean and see how far I could swim. My friend had to chase me down. I wonder how far I could of made it? Im a strong swimmer and Im not afraid of water. In fact I only have one fear and that's dying alone. So you could just imagine the strength I would give to swim and swim and swim, because I don't want to be left in the ocean alone. So on this day I'm grateful for water Agua the clear stuff ice cold water hot water any kind of water I can get lost into.

Day 17 & 18 opps

I thought all day and all night about what I was grateful for on day 17. I could not focus I could not think straight. Here on day 18 I'm having the same problem. I think it's because I'm fearful of spending another Christmas alone. And I know there's nothing I can do about it. I just wish that this month would be over with. I feel January is nothing but a depressed month with nothing to look forward to. It's as if the cold comes and settled in until the end of March. Then there is that fantastic holiday that hallmark forced upon us call Valentine's Day, shoving all that sentimental value down our throats. The best Valentine's Day gift I ever received was a box of garbage pail kids. These are cards that are from the early 80s and they reflected the cabbage patch kids mockery. Right now I make good money doing Uber eats however there are long periods of time or I'm just sitting and waiting and that's what I hate how my mind thinks and operates especially when I feel alone. I tried my best to reach out to a food bank but they are not handing out hot meals during Covid 19 which is a bummer because I would've been right there. I'm tired of being a third wheel all the time. Of course people around me would never tell me that but I feel like that I feel if I go to a party I can't drink because I'm the only one that can drive myself home. I hate feeling like this. It's empty it's in purgatory it's in limbo. And no matter where I'm at I miss sharing my life with somebody. So for day 17 and 18 I'm grateful for a day off or two check out from reality fuck everything. I just don't want to check out too long because I've been lost before and it blows. There's my pity party. Please find your keys get home safe and I hope you had fun.