Day - 16 I’m not funny

I tried to stand up twice, in my mind I think I killed it. However it might've just been pity laughter. I'm pretty sure but I've never felt an earthquake before in my entire life. The last time I masturbated was a long time ago, it was while watching Friends on Thursday night, and to this day they still wont hang out. I just found out that my happy trail ends on my shoulders. Just think about it. You're welcome. I recently found out that when my brother was six years old my grandma had a disposable camera that she took on vacation she had two pictures left on her disposable camera. And when she went to develop them the camera was full. My brother and my fat cousin both took a huge shit in my grandma's toilet my, back-to-back, without the flush. It was literally one shit after another without wiping. Get the picture. You're welcome again. My grandmother told the rest of the family that they'll get a pack of pictures so she ordered 18 packs of pics of her vacation with family she hadn't seen in years. My grandmother mailed out all 18 copies without looking at the original first. She went home and viewed her own pack of pictures, she was very pleased until the final two photos. She had never before has she gotten so many phone calls asking what she ate. I once went to an all black party in Oroville, California.... hoodvolle. Don't worry I was safe I had to white chicks with me.

Im grateful for my humor - whats left of it

Day - 15

Today is the start of what could be a very long career in teaching. This is my first day as a strat teacher at Dilworth middle school. I've also put in for my substitute teaching license which I will get within a month. Then from there on I will go for my license that will occur within hopefully six months. I know I'm not doing this for the money nor the glamour, however I just like to be around kids, they are clever, creative and unique. I am excited for the future of my career even if I'm starting out at a later age I feel as if I will never grow up. My best friend tells me every time I see him that I am the biggest kid he knows. I have a lot on my mind i mean a lot on my mind, but for now I just have to focus on one thing it's very hard not to think of other things though. especially when you have good news and you know you only want to share it with that one person. I have excepted that I'm a good person and that I can't change who I am. I am a good role model I strive for people to be better and I like to help people out when they're in need. And the most important part of life is if they make a mistake, well the best things about mistakes are they can be fixed. I don't find myself having huge goals in life that are hard to come by, but I rely on all of my small goals that I can accomplish. Big goals sometimes involve other people. For instance I would like a family. I can tell you this much I'm not gonna buy a bunch of cats and think about that as a family. I am not the crazy cat guy.

So what I'm grateful for today is that I can achieve small goals by myself without relying on anybody else. Wish me luck! Because wishes are free. Currently I'm sitting at Starbucks listening to Atmosphere - Trying to Find a Balance.

Day 14

I've been waking up at 4 fucking o'clock in the morning. It just happens, somedays I hate it and some days I'm just used to it. It's been like that since I have been working out again. I like the gym. I'm finally under 200lbs. As a little boy I always wanted to play football, even after my accident at 6 years old. I would play after school with my friends and I would tell them all how I wanted to play in the NFL. They would laugh and say, you have crazy legs, no team would ever want that. However, my family didn't ever say I couldn't. Until I was in high school and the coaches shook their heads and said, "Well can you punt?" - "I don't wanna fucking punt!" So in a matter of seconds my NFL career was dead, at high school. So I joined the drama club. What a disaster that was. SO-----Senior year of high school me and two other guys (Matt and Mat) bought some really crappy instruments from JCPenney‘s outlet. A drum set that was meant for a six-year-old, an olWilley guitar that had maybe two strings and we had a bass guitar which belonged to Mat’s step-father. Mat hated him so he stole it the night of our Lip-synch battle at Edward Reed high school in Sparks, Nevada. Before the night of the show we had to do a live audition. We already knew in our minds how the live show was going to be, so, we auditioned In front of a few classmates, probably the class president maybe the theater teacher I don’t remember but there were adults present during the audition stages. We were doing Sabotage from the Beastie Boys. At the time the beastie boys were really experimenting with a lot of music so during the audition we played Sure Shot, a more groovier kind of dance song. And it has a dog saying I love you         We get done and nothing but crickets until a voice chimes in. “You boys are going to need a lot of practice and a lot of stage presence go home and practice but congratulations we will see you in 2 months” All I remember is saying - oh my shit to myself while walking off the audition stage. Matt and Mat were a little harder to keep together right away; they got the giggles because we were doing a bad audition with the wrong song on purpose. So we didn’t have a lot of money and we wanted to make sure that we got through the audition portion before we bought some funky suits. The night of the show we show up in the weirdest most outrageous cop tuxedo uniform ensembles, we had our  janky instrument sets and a real expensive bass guitar. The monitor asked me which track I told him and gave him an extra 20 bucks just to make sure, sure..... we went on after some popular girls doing TLC or some funny Poppy band back in the 90s. I was the singer And that night the high school gym was packed full of families and little kids and brothers and sisters and here we are about to perform Sabotage. All I remember is lights coming up there’s a good five seconds before the music it and everybody in the audience started giggling I don’t know if it was because of our outfits or stupid instruments or the cup of water I had waiting for when Adrock starts screaming halfway through the sabotage song.  Needless to say the show had to go on and sabotage started. We started rocking that shit hard as hard as you can during a lip-synch battle. So halfway through when Adrock starts sing scream “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I can’t stand it......Matt the tall 6’11 drummer on the tinker drum set stands up and I swung my cheap ass guitar right at his back breaking it. He runs around the stage with his pants around his ankle swinging his drumsticks, proud. I take a dive right into the drum set crashing and breaking every last piece right after I spew water all over the stage from the gulp I had taken. On the other side of the stage Mat strummed his stepfather’s bass looks at the commotion and raises the base over his head (pretty much in that “fuck it”way) smashes that bass. It was like Kurt Cobain giving the “Atta’boy” to Mat. The song turned off and the house lights came on and The voice from the PA system Unexpectedly announced an intermission as we walked off the stage as Matt threw his drumsticks. As we stood there in our ripped costume clothes, sweating as we were told we were disqualified. We were later banned from participating in any more high school activities. And we weren’t mentioned once in the yearbook.  All I said in a really soft soothing voice was - Sabotage

I am grateful for The Beastie Boys - I grew up listening to them, they taught me never take life serious and have fun with it - and strive to make the this habitat a better place to live.

Day 5 - I am Grateful For Doing the Dishes

Somewhere along the way I picked up a scrub brush and started doing dishes at an early age. I never saw it as a chore, but something to do to help out. Growing up all the women would cook and clean as the men drank beer in the living room having discussions about politics, wood, beer, work, jokes and other random dumbshit. I was the only male who never wanted to just sit down. I tried helping out, I did. I would try to set the table, but my grandmother would tell me to go to the living room and wait for dinner. After dinner the men would stumble into the living room once again farting and complaining how full they were. I would sneak into the kitchen and try to clean dishes, but as soon as my grandmother would see me she would point her finger to the livingroom and then say, "I'll paddle your ass if you don't get out of here." See but she didn't have an issue if I was mowing the lawn or raking their leaves up. I was not allowed in the kitchen during family get togethers.

I found myself doing more dishes on my own. It may sound silly, but if it helps someone out then I'm all for it. Dishes led to opening doors for others, returning shopping carts to their corral and remembering to say thank you. Again, it might sound silly, but it worked for me. My niceness has never gotten me anywhere with the ladies, but maybe someday they will appreciate me opening the car door for them. I'm not going to change anytime soon. I am grateful for making myself helpful, even if I'm not helping myself.

Day 4 - I am Grateful For

After drinking wine with my grandfather in his 98 degrees home, the fireplace is always crack'a'lin. The one glass of wine always makes my head a bit foggy. I had to escape to the furthest room in the house to breath. His home is so warm, his pug dogs find it hard to breath while they flop down on the kitchen tile. And when their spot is to warm they scootch their fat asses to a cooler spot in the kitchen. Imagin 60lbs of bacon swimming across the kitchen floor. My mind is somewhere between blah and ehhh. It's December 4th, I'm 45 years old and I have never spent a Christmas with someone special. I have had an image of what my perfect Christmas morning is. People around me are nice, every year they tell me you'll find someone. After the 34th time hearing it. That's about as cool as an email letting me know that I have been noticed on Linkedin. Cool, but it's clearly not a job offer, but hey, they see me. Why Bother? The word hope, doesn't exist in my lifetime. I'm too old for some things and females my age are too old for other things. I probably will never have kids, I won't ever see my kids smiling faces opening presents on Christmas morning. In my mind, my thoughts I don't ever want Christmas morning to end if I had kids. Yet I wake up and find myself going to Denny's for a pancake grandslam. I think I like the smell better than the taste of a Denny's pancake. I really hate this time of year, but I have so much love for it at the same time.

I really like everything about Christmas. Back in the day I always wanted to sit in the airport terminal a week before Christmas just to witness so many happy smiling faces. And then imagining the last person to get off the terminal was here for me. I'd be holding flowers and fighting back tears of happiness as we embraced. We would hold each other so long that time would actually stand still. Holding each other in public without even taking a breath. The airport terminal, where Christmas smiles happen. Sounds dumb, but honey badger don't give a shit. Christmas lights, driving through neighborhoods checking out all the lights, is a true treat. Even I'm driving around alone in a 1973 windowless van that says free dogs. I don't own a van, but driving around alone checking out the Christmas lights, people give me a look as if my Focus is a creepy van strollin around. I mean it's pretty silly saying "Wow, did you see that house?" alone in a car, because I have to answer my own question....."Yeah dumbass, I'm looking at it now. Drive to the next house Santas taking a leek in the outhouse." "Oh I remember that house from last year." And before I go Christmas light viewing, it's a must that I have hot chocolate. As for presents, I end up buying more than receiving, but that's the way I like it. My grandmother before she passed away always handed out a Christmas ornament, it didn't matter how old you were. We all got a Christmas ornament and 20 bucks on our birthday.

I secretly love to shop for others, I know I can find some cool gems. I want a chance to say stuff like "Why did you buy me new underwear for Christmas, the ones I have are fine." I want to fill.....I want to see Santa fill up stockings so full, the hooks break. I wanna watch Santa cram down a massive plate of cookies made by us. I wanna see New York light up their massive tree and fall on my ass ice skating.

Despite all my whimsical delusional thoughts during my imaginary Christmas, I still have an upbeat spirit in me for the holidays, even if I'm always the oddball at the table. The one who has to sit in the dusty old garage chair and stare across the table at no one. There are a handful of Christmas song I like too. And if I have had too many cocktails, well this song is always great to sing along to. So I am still grateful for, as hard as it might be, feeling the love and warmth that the Christmas spirit brings to me.

Day - 3 I am soooooo Grateful For

Pizza

The End

Day 2 - I am Grateful For

I made a list of 10 things that I am grateful for, as for the other 21 days it's a bit of a task. A normal person could belt out 10 random things that they are grateful for, no problem. However the struggle is real when I am just starting out. All I am thinking about is how on earth do I not talk about these 10 things I am grateful for. Should I not keep them for the final 10 days of the year? Should I sprinkle them throughout the month? Should I say something simple I'm grateful for now, like trips to Costco with my grandfather so he can buy a 37lbs bag of mini snickers? Or how I lose it every time Will Farrel's Elf walks to Gimbels for the first time and gets slammed by a taxi? I absolutely laugh my ass off at that scene. Or should I be grateful that I still can not say the word rhinoceros right? My laughter is either hated or it produces a supplementary laughter from others. My good friends call it the "OckOck". If something makes me laugh, there's no stopping me from laughing. It is deeper than a basic chuckle, it's more explosive than a late night at Taco Bell while an atom bomb collides with a hurd of minions hanging out with Roseanne at a Nine Inch Nails concert. I love the feeling of laughter. I enjoy that moment when something is so funny it hurts and I can't breath. And if I piss my pants from laughing my ass off, then I pissed my pants. I laugh at and with animals, I laugh with people and somtimes when people do dumb shit. I laugh when it's uncomfortable. I laugh at myself. I laugh when no one is around. I laugh to socialize. I laugh when I can't chew gum and walk at the same time. I laugh and cry at the same time. Laughter, for me it brings me to a better place. Not all of my laughter is over the top. My particular set of laughter skills has no rules or boundaries. Sometimes when life seems overwhelming, just take time out and laugh. There's also times where two people can talk and make each other laugh without even trying. That's the type of laughter I miss. It could be as simple as sitting on the couch talking about candy canes.

On the this day, I am still grateful for the gift of laughter and the way I laugh.

"If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it." - Andy Rooney. I do this all the time.