I should be asleep, but I think it's about time I try some of my own fad diets. I have to much time on my hands at night. The mind starts tick and thinking. I'm not sure if all my bright ideas come in the shower or late at night. I have this bolt of energy for a few minutes at night. Clearly it's a bolt of brilliants on my part.
Changes!
I will cut down on eating full strips of bacon to bacon bits
I will get M&M Airs, the delicious chocolate shell, that's it just the shell
I will try to cut down on my pillow talks at work, I will leave them on the bed and hope they don't run away
I will get my erotic (untitled finger puppet) novel published, before I own a lawn chair
Oh, and I have to cut out soy altogether. Lord knows if my bitch tits
get bigger I'm gonna have start breast feeding homeless again. Some of
them can be so God-damn chatty while sucking on my teet. Not to mention if they
make themselves laugh ....... Don't look for me at Home Depot or Jo-ann Fabrics, I won't holla back at a homieless who cut me.
The word "again" is really an awful word.
Here is an example from my unpublished screenplay called
"It's Only 37% Finished"
Grave Robber 1
This grave robbing is, pretty fun
Grave Robber 2
Shut up, we gotta find Elves' Sideburns to get into the cult of personalities. Dig up this one.
Grave Robber 1
We shoulda' dung brought a flashlight, I can't even see me blink
Grave Robber 2
Dig fast, you know we left the last remaining flashlight at Arbys.
Grave Robber 1
Gawd, I'd love me some Arfbys.
Grave Robber 2
It's Ar-bys, the f is silent. Ya' Shit whistle!
Grave Robber 1
Hey, I hit something!
Grave Robber 2
Well Gippering Bon Jon Jon Jovi open the lid.
Grave Robber 1
Aww sweet I think it's a fresh stiff chick, yeekard Bingo Brother!
Grave Robber 2
Do ya (authentic pause) Do, ya wanna borrow my condom again?
Eh, well, didn't I tell you? You probably didn't twice! Ok read it again, without the word again. I'll wait...................................................................freackin' Gone with the Wind territory huh?
If you want to know what is going on or even had the smallest thought of what its like in my head with out drugs......I suppose it look a little like this.
Rock over London, Rock on Chicago, and now you know and knowing is part of the battle G.I. Joe
I had found a new friend with the night time. The Night Time! We started sharing this bond when I was working in radio some years back. So, I have always stayed up late, sometimes we have a threesome with the Rain. Ha, go figure. Now that I think of it, what hell have I been doing all these years? Staying up late, well, I should be asleep, but instead I dug out my Nintendo 64.
The system that proved to everyone that controls could look like the pointy end of a pitch fork. Only to rest ten centimeter away from the lower abdominal region. Every N64 game cartridge was grey with no damn label on the end. This means, if you have a stack of them, you would have go through every game. Conker's Bad Fur Day was one of the last Nintendo 64 games. Basically a squirrel wakes up from a hangover goes on an adventure fighting shit monsters and replenishing his life with bottles of booze. Funny story and clever writing is a far cry from its almost impossible controls.
I flipped through 37 games. I found Super Mario 64, the game known for its terrible awkward camera views and bright yellow stars. The basic object is collect champagne colored star, trah-la-la through the castle, pick up Boswer by his tail spin him in circles so hes to dizzy to speak, unclog the toilet Luigi just plugged, collect more steeeers, and save Princess Peachypants.
I should be asleep, but I have only collected 79 stars (there could be more) and I need to drop off Luigi at rehab in the Shyguy level. He has overdosed on Toad's psilocybins tea. Maybe tomorrow I will hunt down a Laser Disc player. Because God knows I love to get up half way through a movie and flip the disc!
We should name our plants after exs (or is it exes?).
Some plants are dumb.
When buying a plant we tend to make careful decisions.
Because one of two things will happen.
a) You take care of it and it will consume your whole house
or
b) You neglect it, you loose interest, it dies, and you toss it to the curb
Even your little one Odie will agree you made the right decision after hearing the local news report of a few poinsettia arrested for luring dogs into a red bus.
Well the NFL is almost back ........all 31 teams
ok, 32 if you are counting the Jags.
I will have to work on my font control this year, I swear! By the moon and the stars.... So I hope All 4 One is not stuck in your head. If so my job is have way over. Now to the better half, last year I picked the Seahawks and Ravens. So I will go with my gut feeling this year too. Who and what is out this year?
The old Dolphins logo - Now its a sunny gay fish, Do you like fish sticks?
Arron Hernandez - Good!
Faith Hill - in is the dreadful Carrie Underwood (unnecessary Sunday Night Football intro)
(lets cross our bibles) Hopefully the malfunctioning Tim Be-blow-blurrrr
Vikings chances
The always entertaining replacement Refs
So here is my crafty (or crappy) predictions this year!!
AFC - American Football Conference
EAST - Meet the "Transformers (1, 2 & 3)". Just like Michael Bay, this division is nothing but dicks!
*Miami Dolphins *- (10 - 6) - Sunflower-sunshine dolphins and all of the Sea-world power will beat and win the division over the Patr (I dont even like to spell their name). Beefed up D works, ask gum enthusiast Mike Ditka. *New England Patriots* - (9 - 7) Brady is carted off the field with conjunctivitis, Brady can still suck-it! (still trendingfrom 2013) Buffalo Bills - (7 - 9) Here Comes Honey Buffalo Bill Child.....train-wreak, yet in some ways they are slightly entertaining to watch. New York Jets - (5 - 11) No worries, some how, some way Adam Sandler will put the whole Jets in another one of his shitty movie. NORTH - "The Departed" Who's good? Who's bad? The peaking order. Only one survives.
*Cincinnati Bengals* - (12- 4)Staff Sgt. Sean Dignam Baltimore Ravens - (8 - 8) Francis "Frank" Costello Cleveland Browns - (8 - 8) William "Billy" Costigan, Jr. Pittsburgh Steelers - (6 - 10) Capt. Oliver Charles Queenan SOUTH - "The Internship" They once had a good talent, but sadly, forgettable!
*Houston Texans* - (10 - 6) The Texans, Carr needs to be more like Iron Man and less like Tonto. Indianapolis Colts - (8 - 8) Houston may of just monopolized this division for awhile. Tennessee Titans - (6 - 10)Fisher phone home? Houston we have several problems! Jacksonville Jaguars - (3 - 13) The Houston Astros would get their only away win playing theses messy Jags.
WEST - "Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood" *Denver Donkeys* - (11 - 5) Pirated Cristal *Kansas City Chiefs* - (9 - 7) Bud Light
Oakland Raiders - (6 - 10)Crip Juice
San Diego Super(lame) Chargers - (4 - 12) Watered down oyster milk
NFC - National Football Conference
EAST- "Spaceballs" Ranking this division is as easy finding a ring with laser in a Cracker jack box. *Dallas Cowboys* - (10 - 6) Yogurt! "The kids love this one" Washington Redskins - (10 - 6) Dark Helmet! "I bet she gives great helmet" New York Giants (G-men) - (8 - 8)Lone Starr/Barf "I'm my own best friend" Philadelphia Eagles - (5 - 11) Colonel Saudurz "That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole." NORTH - "Return to Oz" Darker, crazier, and a bit better than it's predecessor
*Green Bay Packers* - (11 - 5) From domination to fail-anation, Rodgers still has weapons. The steam has been running out by playoff time though *Detroit Lions* - (10 - 6) Don't be shocked to see the Lions and Chiefs in the Super Bowl, not in my lifetime, but it may happen. Chicago Bear - (10 - 6) Cutler is almost that good, but is still that awful Minnesota Vikings- (6 -10) You must rebuild Oz, the Wheelers will run over the Vikings. SOUTH - "Now You See Me" If you are that good, you will stop *poofing* off! *New Orleans Saints *- (11 - 5) Getting the coach back was a good thing, stopping Brees from pulling a play out of his helmet a better thing. Atlanta Falcons - (8 - 8) Tampa Bay Buccaneers - (8 - 8) These master magicians put on a show every Sunday. Which Freeman, comes out to play? We will never know, maybe by the fourth quarter. Carolina Panthers - (6 - 10) Cam in slow motion would look great in toilet paper commercial with Bread play over......
WEST - "Into the Wild" at least two of the four teams will be tough, you decide which two.....
*Seattle Seahawks* - (13 - 3) Again, my Super Bowl pick and Winner this year!
*San Francisco 49ers* - (11 - 5) Is their D as good as last year, fingers point to Dr. Noway Jose
St. Louis Rams - (6 - 10) The Jay Leno of football. Only old people really like you.
Arizona Cardinals - (5 - 11) Slurped up and raw left-overs from the 2013 Raiders. Oh yeah that's a good sign, headed in the right direction, arn'tcha'.
* Play-off teams
Bye teams
AFC - Bengals, Donkeys
NFC - Seahawks, Packers
Growing up, there were three things that really made me who I am today. The Garbage Pail Kids, The Three Stooges (late night on Turner Broadcasting Company) and video games (the Atari 2600 being my very first system) have all played a role in my childhood growing up. Cartoons were also high on the list, but as a kid would you rather watch a cartoon or be in control of a colored square head shooting Tic-Tac shaped bullet out of a cannon? The Atari also have the first adult games. Although hilarious to watch the game play now, they were never developed into great game play.
Remember: Use Paddle
#5. (Tie) River Raid and Spy Hunter
These two games are basically the same game. Spy Hunter has the cooler music and you drive a car. River Raid has the better game play and you drive a boat. In both games you go really go nowhere, but up the screen. Fun and challenging though. Also having plenty of gas will get you further in both games. Eat yo beanie weenies!
#4. Moon Patrol
I don't like to fly, so why would I like flying games (Defender, Defender II, Astroids). Thank God for Moon Patrol a game that moves as fast as I do. AND, it's on the ground! Well, a moon actually. Pew! Pew! If you never have played Moon Patrol, you should its tons of fun. Soooo much better than those lame Motorized Capsela science discovery thinger toys.
Some crazy shit going on! Zap! Zap!
#3 Centipede
The only reason I'm not putting Donkey Kong is on my list is, I can play Centipede for a longer time frame. F- Jump man and all his glory before becoming Mario, I'm ready to defend something from a swirling large centipede and his buddies a bouncing spider and a coke fanatic scorpion. Sounds like my recent camping trip.
Ready to defend...
#2 Kaboom
Kaboom is simple. Catch the bombs in the basket. Sounds easy. Looks boring. Ok fine let me try. It pulls you in! And four hours later.......Kaboom goes the brain!
http://youtu.be/lwrZHu-d-vY
Pretty sweet screen shot huh?
#1. Keystone Kapers (Kops)
This by far was the most challenging Atari 2600 game I ever played. The game is located in a three-story building. I always thought of it as a mall, because of the escalators and the one elevator. You are a bumbling key-op who is running after a bandit all awhile dodging planes and shopping carts. Fun puzzle game with action. I only hope that Johnny Depp will play the mute bandit some day.
Not really suuure which way that key-opper walking
I stroll out to my ....to my...to my...to my..carrrrr ...ohh I'm sick of drive driving that beast. I am on a mission to find other bad ass car. The scent of fire roams though the air. I did I forget to mention, my breakfast was a pound of bacon and a bottle of Jameson. While I ate breakfast, I blast mutha' fuckin' Billy Ocean!
Billy Jameson, a great way to start the end of the world breakfast. I turn and walk backwards out of my yard. Good-bye house. Good-bye mailbox. Good-bye lawn darts, one is still stuck on the roof. I start walking down the street with my eyes wondering and my mind racing. What am I gonna drive, how am I going to get there? Where am I going? Mr. Whiskers the cat bolts right across the street. Then, Mr. Wang the owner of the cat follows. I try to hide, but unfortunately I am standing in the middle of the street.
Ahburt!
He will never say my name right. It really doesn't matter now.
Ah, good morning Mr. Wang
It's not morning, it's two-fifteen in da afternoon. Wheres my rent?
Despite the world going crazy, and it's possible imploding or exploding you still want the rent? I will go get it.
Big turn around, and walk back to the home I just said good-bye to. I return to a squatter, yes already!
A raccoon, who decided to break into my house through the screen door. The coon also thought it was fun to scatter Froot Loops all throughout the house. Cheeky bastard! For a moment I forgot about the world ending and my attention was on the coon, who is loud and sneaky. How can something be so incredibly loud and sneaky at the same time? Well I do have my grandfathers shot gun under my bed. Although I have never fired it. I'll skip to it since "learning to skip like the professional" was on my bucket list. I feel happy skipping, but I also feel like a lolly in the process. I reach the bedroom. I grab the shot gun and realize its a double barrel shot gun. Slugs and no pellets for ammo. I did enjoy skipping down the hallway so, I decide to it again. Although this time I will have a shotgun resting on my shoulder, skipping down a hall way with my big stupid mustache, in slow motion. I reach the living with a big smile, but something is missing.
I searched for the coon for about four minutes and decided destroying Mr. Wong's wental house would be incredibly better with a double barrel shot gun.
"Bang, BANG, Bang, shoot bang sizzle pku-pku, chk-chk, banng"
I guess I will load the gun now and really shoot it. I don't know how to stand while shooting this Mosss-burger-thing. What comes to mind is
-ASH (Army of Darkness) - A dame in one hand and a shotgun in the other
-Green Army Guys - On one knee, laying down, and kill shot posses
-Any tough guy film - gun on side, just below ribs with a match stick in mouth
-or...Louie my cracked out neighbor - He looks like this guy with guns
Louie took off months ago....In fact most people took off in this neighborhood, except Mr. Wong and I. Alone on a big empty, vacant street, for awhile it was nice. The recluse I have become is no more. I take the shotgun back to Mr. Wong's house for an appraisal. A tap at the door with my shotgun.
-SCREECH-
Wow, I just stole a 1978 Toyota Corolla wagon, bright blue. It's pretty awesome. No shocks. Although there is a sweet box of beer cozies in the backseat. The only thing left on the whole street!
