Is it the Wine Talking?

First off I'm built of more whips than Nae Nae's. If I'm not working I'm lying in bed. In my life time I've probably bought 10 bottles of wine. Since Christmas of 2020 I've gone through 40 bottles of wine. I'm not proud of it, I don't need it, but it helps me not think. I don't really have an appetite for anything anymore. I remember getting ready for school when I was little. My sister and I would get up extra early to dress my brother in the front of the fireplace. We didn't have central heating, but we had a fireplace. I'll never forget that goddamn fireplace, because my sister and I had to stack wood after school every goddamn day. The shit got old really fast, cord after cord after cord of wood. I remember one time my mother came out to help us stack wood and a gardener snake came out and she flipped the fuck out. She grabbed a hoe and chopped up that motherfucker into 18,000 goddamn pieces. That poor gardener snake didn't have a chance. I noticed that I cuss a lot more when I get a little buzz, but I don't feel anything anymore I'm numb and then I pass out and go to sleep. I wake up and I'm fucking thirsty for water and I have to face the day. I've never been this more depressed in my entire life but I don't care. It was bound to happen. I think to myself why can't anybody ever love me. But then what does it matter I spent my whole entire life without one person even giving a shit that I was an option. I know, I know there's been times when I loved myself but there's been times where I'm like who the fuck are you Mr. Mind? So why care now. I'm done being upset. This sucks because I do still care. The word caring in my life has gotten me inches so far. Its as if the word caring means to do the moonwalk in life. But let me tell you whatever I bought tonight is goddamn awful, the wine is awful. One time my sister and I were in the front yard arguing about something. I don't really know what we were arguing about, but it made my mom mad and she pounded on my sisters window which faced the front yard. My mother started pounding on my sisters window and telling us to be quiet. My mother didn't know her own strengths and broke the window. My sister and I started laughing at her. We ended up getting grounded because my mother broke the window. I guess she was angry at us, I don't really remember, I just remember her face when she broke the window. It was hilarious. I don't know how to be myself around anybody anymore. My best friend Tony he is the only one who really knows knows whats going on. He's always been by my side since six grade. I had to change schools in the middle of sixth grade. That does a lot on a kid, not to mention a kid with a limp. On my second day of six grade at the new school, Tony and I started swinging on the swings and my shoe came off and hit a girl in the face. Her name was Beth, she got a scar right next to her eye and nobody messed with me after that. I felt bad she sat right next to me during band class. I played the clarinet but I was last chair because I hated playing the clarinet. I know my blogs don't make sense all the time and this is no exception. Wine it! Cheers.

----The Blue Nun----Our evening began in Peter Seychelle's comfortable study In his new york townhouse Where the candle light was just right The hi-fi was in the background And the wine was delicious What's the secret, Peter? Naturally, I'll say it's the wine Mmm, it does go well with the chicken Delicious again, Peter

It’s Valentine’s Day!! Don’t Read if You Don’t Like the Picture

Fuck! Why does this so-called holiday have to exist? There should be a non-governmental committee to change this holiday. We could call it the group of cool people for the district planet earth-472, earthly changes that will not effect anyones daily life cycle. The alternative names for February 14 would be - Happy Fight Club Day, Happy Fuck You Day, Happy Depression Day, Happy Sharpen Knives in a Shady Park Day or Happy Tap That Day. Let's face it flowers die and chocolate just makes you fat. My heart this year is still in 1 million pieces, it's nothing new, this is what I'm used to. For a moment, I did feel so warmth of my beating heart, it was a goddamn breathless moment. But nevertheless it's back to its original state of shatterness.

However something new is there this time, it's a sense of numbness, like I have no feelings for anything at all. And the scary thing is I am kinda OK with it. Yeah I know that is probably not the right thing to do going forward. But I can't help how fucked up I feel inside. And I pushed a lot of people away because of it. And I'm still OK with it but I know it's not right. Am I alive or am I just kidding myself. I'm fearless but I'm scared, physically I can take pain, but emotionally I'm stuck with pain. You could be the nicest person in the world, be loving, caring and be a giver, but when you don't realize that you are mean thats terrifing. At least a bully knows when they are being mean. They don't sugar coat it. So fuck my feelings they don't need anymore exposure moving forward. I'll just start writing about fake plastic trees and bury little emotion. It just takes some time but I will be back to the ol "used" me in no time. ............I've always searched for change, but I never found it. So I ran, I'm done running. < class="separator" style="clear: both;">

Oh My God, It’s Crocodile Dundee

People are funny. People are missed. Some people don't have a clue. Some people are nice. Some people claim they're nice. Some people go out of their ways for other people and some people just claim they do. Some people ghost out. Some people would not ever do cowardless acts. Some people might think this is a really bad version of Dr Seuss book. Some people will say anything and some people will listen and believe their words. And even some people claim they met Crocodlie Dundee. I am pleased to say I have a friend in Washington who has helped me through this fucked up winter. Everyone could use a friend like mine. She sticks with me on my rollercoaster like no others. I feel like I'm on this roller coaster and I can't get off. Sometimes the tracks disappear, yet I still make it through the ride. And as more and more people get off the ride, I look back and see her waving at me. She wants to go around again and again. As we go on the roller coaster ride every round seems like it gets smoother and smoother and more and more of the track comes into focus. It's as if the roller coaster ride is slowly becoming fun again. It's being repaired slowly and creatively. I know I'll be leaving this roller coaster soon and moving on to other attractions. But for now I must stay on the coaster until it's fully repaired. Whenever I feel the tracks are coming apart, I remember her quote, I just read the sign she posted at the begining of the ride ---"Even the right person at the wrong time, is still the wrong person" --- So why stay on this right? Why don't I just get off and move on? It's because I don't want any imposters to ride this ride. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice get the fuck off of this ride. I also want to make sure that it's fully functional and ready to go. ------ While I truly miss the people in Washington, the weather, the nature, I just need to feel grounded. For the last five years I have seen a lot and I have done a lot. I may only have one heart, but it feels like its been pooped to many times.

I feel sometimes as if my heart just drank a case of Mountain Dew and snorted coke lines off a stripers ass. And my anxiety is that the door with more cases of Mountain Dew and blow. Then my mind is no fucking help at all. It may tell the heart to slow down, but in all reality I will lose focus really fast instead of watching the heart at its most vulnerable. My mind will try its hardest to focus, but then shit like this will happen --- Hold on hard hold on for one more day heart, wait, is that a Wilson Phillips band song. I remember the video with the three sisters they were on top of the hill slapping their legs to the beat of their cringy song, wait was that the same hill that's in the opening credits of the Little House on the Prairie, I only made it through the credits because I thought it was hilarious when the little girl fell down the hill, and I don't know why the producer said let's just keep this in the opening credits, Wait, I think I still have more credits on my Dave and Busters card in my wallet, why I have two D&b cards, fuck if I know, wait, I know, is today the 10th? I need food, but don't feel like cooking (Anxiety walks through the door of the heart and tosses up another Mountain Dew) I need to buy another book, who really buys butt plugs anymore, how do you order a computer online when you don't have one to begin with, My dad's funny he still thinks we met Crocodile Dundee at some geriatric shit hole casino, Paul Hogan who plays Crocodile Dundee would never sign an autograph "To my pal, your mate Croc Dundee", hey mind, let's not ever argue this with dad again, let's just say he's right, do you smell that smoke smells like somebody's burning something, why does my left arm hurt holy shit am I having a heart attack. I just need to remind my heart.

Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was my popsicle stick cabin. That shit took me two weeks in six grade.

My Haircut Sucks

Welcome to February, worst month ever. There's only one reason why this month is so terrible. It's terrible for singles, it's terrible for couples, the pressures on more than any other holiday of the year. Valentine's Day needs to be drug out into the street and taught a lesson. The last girl I really liked I might not get over at all, of course I can move on but she's always going to be in the back of my mind. I wonder how she's doing, I wonder if she's OK. It's gonna be a long time before I can shake this. I Look at her and the world has stopped spinning. And I have never felt that way before. Right now, its important for me to step aside and let her do her thing. So for Valentine's Day I am going to dress up as Cupid. Although Cupid's going to have a broken heart and no game. I have been pretty down lately but I hold and hide my emotions fairly well in person now. I almost feel like a new person, only in a more cynical way. I love hearing cliché phrases you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel or things will get better they always do or there's plenty of fish in the sea. So my cynical self felt that I needed to change so I got a ridiculous haircut that I absolutely hate. When I was 17 years old I was talking to a girl or a lady online and she worked as a hairdresser. It was here in Reno and I often drive by it just to see if it's open still. I....I actually haven't driven by there in about 10 years. I have never gone back to that place to get another cut and here's why. At the age of 17 to my current age right now, I have no idea when I'm flirting or when I'm not flirting. I know when I'm forcefully flirting and it's not working, but when I casually flirt I don't think I'm flirting at all. So this lady told me to come down and she would give me a free haircut. I said wow that is awesome a free haircut. She said yes come down after closing time and I'll be the only one in the building, I was 17 I didn't catch on to her lingo. So I went down there, sat in the chair she turn down the lights and cut my hair. She was absolutely wearing no bra because she kept smashing her tits into my head. My heart was racing and I was a little nervous at the time. This lady was probably 29 years old at the most. She gave me one of the worst haircuts in history. When I said - are you done she said no and unzipped my pants and took off her shirt. And then gave me my first hummer. I had forgotten how awful my haircut was she had just given me. I walked out of the building as if I just woke up from a good nights rest. As I looked in my rearview mirror at my haircut it was as if I slept on one side of my head all night long. I felt kind of awful I didn't even tip her. She said it was a free haircut.

So now every time I get a haircut, a bad haircut, I just think how suckier it could of been. *sigh*

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - Fin

This is the end. The radio silence is too much to bare. You sit on a rock on your island, but all you have are memories. Staring out into the sea, you haven't seen a boat pass by you, haven't seen a helicopter or plane in the sky it's as if you were deserted and left there for a reason. Yet you will never know the reason why, it may never come to you again. You have done your best, there is no going back now. You have done your best to keep to yourself and not talk to anyone else. There is only one way off this island. You struggle with the beautiful thing that get stuck in your mind and no longer can see. All that you can remember is laughing and having the best time of your life. When you seek other treasure be strong be yourself and know that not all treasure is real. Don't believe everything that you hear or see until you know that it's real. So believe it, it's been over a month you've been lost at sea it's time to start paddling somewhere and hopefully something will come by if not keep swimming. You want to reach out just say hi, but you don't want to sink again. You know there's other treasure in the sea, but you're afraid to get rejected by anything else. The heart is weak and fragile and it once was coated by stone. it desperately sucks waking up in the morning and the first thing you wanna think about still is the treasure at the bottom of the sea. Time will tell the story. It's not up to you if you are a part of it, just know that you'll be here if ever anyone needs you. Just keep your eye open for rescue boat, but beware, be cautious, be optimistic, but most importantly just be you. Good Bye.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - The Sky

Imagine the sky when you close your eyes. Is it blue? Are there clouds? Is the sky gray?

The sky you imagine, that will be your concept of what it looks like. It's real easy to imagine what the sky you picture is. Once you realize the concept of what something looks like it's real easy to think of it. Everyone has a concept and everyone is familiar with what their own sky looks like. The sky, just like your thoughts will never go away. It may change, but the sky will always come right back to being blue. As much as you want to move on from a blue sky there maybe no escaping something that is beautiful. There is nothing like the warmth and comfort of a nice blue sky. Now picture yourself lying in the sand with somebody else close, practically ear to ear. You're both holding hands, you both have an EarPod in each of your outter ears as you stare at the blue sky and share a song together. This is the sky you want, you can imagine the face but you don't care about the place. You both are under the same sky, no matter what color it maybe. No matter the difference with the concept of the sky. You both lie in the same spot underneath the sky. Why do your thoughts keep punishing you from these mirages of happiness? You've seen this island before but you still wait to see all the beauty that lies at the bottom of the sea. It's as if skies turn gray and it starts to snow, it snows for five long days isolating you in one spot. Now your thoughts move from a blue sky to a gray sky where everything is cloudy all the time. You can only escape while you sleep, but you can never control your dream state. You find it difficult to function under any sky. The cliché saying the heart wants what the heart wants is utter bullshit when there's no talking with the sky at all, it does what it does. The beautiful thing is the sky is always around you. Be thankful for waking up out of your tortured dreams of hope and viewing the sky above. So just appreciate the sky for what it is as you lay in the sand sinking into it. Remember clouds come and go but the sky will always be there.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - The Soundtrack

No island would be complete without its own soundtrack. These are songs that get washed up on shore, sinking to you. They make you happy, they make you smile, they make you sad, but most importantly they make you feel something. To feel something, is beautiful, at least you did, it only took 45 years, but it happened.

Thrice - Sea Change/// The Avalanches - Interstellar Love/// The Head and the Heart - Another Story/// Pacific - Sleeping at Last/// Mathew Mole - Running After You/// Old Sea Brigade - Love Brought Weight/// Jimmy Eat World - 23, My Sundown, Kill/// Lord Huron - The Birds are Singing at Night/// The XX - Islands/// The Cars - Drive/// Fink - Looking Too Closely/// Maxence Cyrin - Where is My Mind?/// Lord Huron - The Night We Met/// (This is the theme) Sleep well-----

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - You Don’t Belong Here

Welcome, rest, relax, kick back there is no one here or there to save you. You are free from anyone ever caring for you, loving you, wanting you, being with you, you are on your own. You know this feeling all to well, it is like getting run over and used. But welcome to paradise. Here you are invited to craft that noose out of bamboo leaves and build that boat that someone promised to do together(a metaphor). You hold it together so well and yet no one knows. No one knows the pain you've gone through throughout your entire life, whenever there's a glimmer of hope it's always shut down immediately no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want it, there is nothing you can do. Your heart wasn't meant to become a punching bag. Yet it hangs on by a thread.

There are these tools moving forward. Being isolated teaches you to not make the same mistakes. It won't drag others down with you. When you sink in the boat, you sink alone. No longer do others care, its as if you were telling someone your dream. Nobody cares, and this is Careless island. Where being ghosted by the people you care about deeply hurts no matter how much time has passed. The one-sided passion song is always off by one note.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - Old Familiar Territory

Déjà vu - While the sand is warm and soft, you stare out into the sea. There is nothing for miles. Your eyes squint as the dryness from the salt water evaporates into your skin. Your toes wiggle around sifting through the sand as the breeze tosses your thoughts around. You are alone. You don't travel around the island, you know you've been here before. The silence still hurts your heart, but your voice and words fall on deaf ears. There is no longer anyone to hear them. You miss the simple "goodnight" words that for some reason have gotten loss in the crowd. You though, if you heard it you would lose yourself in happiness. There has never been hope in your life. For its a four letter word that does not mean anything. This is your life, no matter how hard you try. No one fucking cares, its obvious, even those that seem to care have dissappeared. You know in the past that you try to build a boat and sail away and the boat breaks in fall back into the sea. Some would say to build that boat better and stronger. Sometimes it's easier said than done. Especially when those who tell you to build a stronger boat, don't need a boat at all. You know you are done talking, trying and see that being a good person only gets you deserted. So maybe its true being nice only leads you to pain. And therefore its a vicious cycle, welcome to the begining, again.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - The Middle

Hand Covers Bruise, the song from Trent Reznor is featured on the Social Network soundtrack. Its a song that you constantly hear while treading through the sea. A deep and terrifing song that contains no lyrics, but rests the fear into your soul. There's a storm on the horizon, the waves shift coming at you in all directions. Everything that once mattered is now put on hold, as the sea water overtakes you. Right now it doesn't matter how much money you have, what type of career you have, how successful you are, all that matters is what you do right now to survive. Drowning is a last ditch effort. Lost and water blinded you seek relief and dive back into the sea. As you make your way back down to the bottom of the sea, you realize you've been swimming in circles, the treasure you seek is right in front of you. If you knew this was the last time you'd see this treasure again, you would of taken your time to say good-bye. There would be no rush, no nerves, no nothing to take that moment away. You sat alone forever waiting for a moment like this. Even if you were to see this treasure again, never get tangled up in a lonely dream. Live everyday like its the last day of your life. You should of showed that to the treasure. As the underground current picks you up and wooshes you away. Theres no fight left in you to seek this treasure again. Let it find you, you are the treasure. You know you didn't even get to say good-bye. They say the pain will go away, but does it really? No one is built the same, some are better swimmers and some are better rocks. While being washed away by the current you feel like you are somewhere between happiness and death. A difficult spot to be in, for you've lived your whole entire life in this very same spot. You've seen glimpses of happiness and rode the edges of death. The heart beats faster when it knows what it wants. You wash up on shore on a deserted island. This is exactly where you've been for your entire life, happiness would've been if you had got rescued and death would've been drowning at the bottom of the beautiful sea.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - The Four Agreements

- From Don Miguel Ruiz - When you have an incredible friend and human from LA. She games on-line with you all the time, you bond and connect. She is a vet tech who is married to her wife and they have one kid. They all seem to adore you. Although, she feels you haven't been yourself lately. You are not doing corny silly stuff and running amok while playing online games with her. You are quiet, you are drained, you just have lost your words. You are drinking from the bottle. You explain yourself and the situation and all she can say is --She is lucky to have met someone like you--but I miss you now--please come back friend this is not your war to fight--if its to be it will be--but I need you to come back, don't drown-- You feel as if you learned to swim again, still lost in the sea, it's time to swim away from the shark. There is still treasure to be found in the spot but for now you must leave. You leave empty handed with nothing from the beautiful sea. If one day you are invited back to the spot, together you may find the treasure. Swim away, go now, the sea is to murky. Find and swim away even if its the wrong way, you dont belong here and you are not welcome anymore. Ruiz agreements are ----Be impeccable with your word.---Don't take anything personlly.---Don't make assumptions. ---Always do your best. Use these set of agreements while you swim away, in the unpredictable sea. You may think about that treasure forever and ever, but remember if you're not invited to find it there's other treasure in the sea. Even if this treasure you seek will always be at the top of the list, the treasure DOESN'T WANT YOU HERE!

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - The Ghosting Sea

One day, one day you will be gone and the world will continue. Ghosts don't live in the sea. They swoop in beore you take the plunge into the sea, through one ear collecting your heart, mind and soul while exiting out the other ear without even having the decency to say goodbye. Leaving you lost and empty. You were left feeling very vulnerable, yet if you go and look for answers you will look like the crazy one. Why do people protect ghosts? It's always the same cliché answer they give "it's not you it's them". That's such a copout, an easy way for people to show some kind of BS compassion. Being ghosted feels like you will never learn from the mistake that was made. Being told to fuck off is a form of communication. And that is so much stronger than to be ignored. Ghosting makes a person feel as if there's dynamite constantly exploding inside their body and there's nothing that they can do to stop it. And their brain feels like it's drowning in sea water. They start thinking irrational thoughts and assumptions. Then they start doing things without thinking. Why did you jump off the smallest building downtown? Why didn't you enjoy nine more seconds of soaring through the air by jumping off the tallest building downtown? You probably had enough time to do a flip. You can never really guess what somebody is thinking or assuming. However by jumping off the smallest building there is a better chance you will survive. And perhaps you're seeking attention afterwards, that is if you survive. The deepest darkest depths of the ocean could be the scariest places to be. You are drowning and you cannot see. Will you survive? The deepest darkest parts of the sea can in fact hold precious treasure that no one will ever see. No ghosts will ever harm you here. If you have jumped off the small building then perhaps you haven't gone deep enough. Remember to match the color the ocean to the color of your soul. Picture your self at the bottom of the sea, you don't have much air to survive, but you know you must do some thing and thinking about something. You let all the negative parts of your mind go away, they are free to float away into the sea. You crack a smile, your eyes blank and tiny little bubbles form in the crevice of your eyelids. Nobody can see that you're happy, you are finally free. Nothing will hurt anymore. You don't care to escape because you know the outcome. You have never had an easy life, but someone else has always had it worse than you. So fuck your feelings, they don't matter and eventually everyone will get sick of hearing about them. You feel your body sink as your feet plunge to the bottom of the seafloor. You quickly think about people and things that made you happy at one time. Nobody knows how long you've been sad for and nobody cares. There's always somebody sadder. But before you met this ghost, you were happy. With your last ounce of breath you say...............

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - Drowning in Your Sleep

You are smiling. ----Night, for most of the world it's a time of rest and reflection. Some give thanks, others passout, then there are those who have restless nights with very little sleep. These individuals may have so much stress that keeps them up and its hard for them to turn everything off. This is probably the most common form of sleepless nights. However, if someone is afraid to sleep because of their dream cycle, this could be worse than stress. Imagine yourself lying in bed asleep no self control and you fall into the same dream every night. The dream causes real tears, some nights you wake up just before you drown. It's as if you are in a comma of the same nightmare. But you wake up gasping for a breath, you just need the nearest person to hold you, but there is no one, there has never been anyone. Some nights you die in your dreams and you never wanna wake up. At least you don't feel your heartbeat in a dream. But in a world that rejects you, that is the only other daily option - drown in a state of unconsciousness during the night terrors of sleep. One life feels uncontrollable and you have nowhere to turn, your best bet is just to drown in your real tears so you never have to wake up and face the cycle again. The soul can't get a break and never has chance to heal, it's the never-ending nightmare. Which ultimately makes you become a fake person in reality as if you're constantly reading the employee hand out book, the section that states leave everything at the door. Except in this case the door is your eyelids opening up every morning. So as soon as your eyelids open you are the clock. Good morning, you survived another night, be sure to grab a quick bite to eat and don't forget to grab the fake smile out of the drawer. You are a good night swimmer.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - Lost and Not Found

Drifting through the sea, such as life, theres only one way to go. You will eventually drown. Lost and alone predators will circle you until you are to weak. As strong as you are the waves are stronger. While your lips dry and form cracks from the salt water, the throbbing pain will always hurt more inside than your lips. You set a course to find a path to travel, but the current pulls you further and further away. No sign of what to do or where to go. There is a passing ship, it pays no attention to your distress. You used up to much energy and time flagging for help. Even after it passes you won't catch up to it. As the tears roll down they fill the sea with your saddness. You are lost, no one knows where you're at in your thoughts and no one cares. Remember no one really cares. Dreams are fickle memories, they never come true, they are there to haunt. Dreams are fickle memories they never come true, they are there to haunt you, torture you, as you float in the sea. A dream is a hot and sultry day with a continuous ravishing night. A windy as you float helplessly in the sea. There is no escape, sink and join the rest of the cast on the bottom of the beautiful sea.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - New Year

Stop, as if the world around you is on fire. Think before taking a step. Don't panic, breath. Focus mind, body and that repairable soul on thoughts of what you have. Trust less and don't be fooled for hope, don't be used again. Trust that eagle eye mentality. Learn to see the bullshit before it hits you in the face. Know that some people talk a good game, but they don't seem to have a winning record. If know you are good, then people will fight for you. Stumble forward until you can walk. Remember those who stood by you, no matter whats in the way. Clear the pain below, open your eye wide and see what beauty lies in front of you. Drain the sink of toxic people and know that reality and expectations never existed. It's a false hope of reality. As if you were to crumble up a piece of paper and shoot it into a waste basket, but before tossing it in you say - if I make it they will call me and if I don't, they won't. So what would happen if we didn't toss the piece of paper in and just put it on the table and walked away. Then the next person will come along and make the shot..... or miss it. You've done all you could. No matter how great of shot you could of made..... it's the wrong time. So for now trust in the moon who sees everything, nature who hears all and the sea where the beauty of the world is.