December 16th 2012 ....It.s the. End. Day. 5

I stroll out to my ....to my...to my...to my..carrrrr ...ohh I'm sick of drive driving that beast. I am on a mission to find other bad ass car. The scent of fire roams though the air. I did I forget to mention, my breakfast was a pound of bacon and a bottle of Jameson. While I ate breakfast, I blast mutha' fuckin' Billy Ocean!

Billy Jameson, a great way to start the end of the world breakfast. I turn and walk backwards out of my yard. Good-bye house. Good-bye mailbox. Good-bye lawn darts, one is still stuck on the roof. I start walking down the street with my eyes wondering and my mind racing. What am I gonna drive, how am I going to get there? Where am I going? Mr. Whiskers the cat bolts right across the street. Then, Mr. Wang the owner of the cat follows. I try to hide, but unfortunately I am standing in the middle of the street.

Ahburt!

He will never say my name right. It really doesn't matter now.

Ah, good morning Mr. Wang

It's not morning, it's two-fifteen in da afternoon. Wheres my rent?

Despite the world going crazy, and it's possible imploding or exploding you still want the rent? I will go get it.

Big turn around, and walk back to the home I just said good-bye to. I return to a squatter, yes already!

A raccoon, who decided to break into my house through the screen door. The coon also thought it was fun to scatter Froot Loops all throughout the house. Cheeky bastard! For a moment I forgot about the world ending and my attention was on the coon, who is loud and sneaky. How can something be so incredibly loud and sneaky at the same time? Well I do have my grandfathers shot gun under my bed. Although I have never fired it. I'll skip to it since "learning to skip like the professional" was on my bucket list. I feel happy skipping, but I also feel like a lolly in the process. I reach the bedroom. I grab the shot gun and realize its a double barrel shot gun. Slugs and no pellets for ammo. I did enjoy skipping down the hallway so, I decide to it again. Although this time I will have a shotgun resting on my shoulder, skipping down a hall way with my big stupid mustache, in slow motion. I reach the living with a big smile, but something is missing.

I searched for the coon for about four minutes and decided destroying Mr. Wong's wental house would be incredibly better with a double barrel shot gun.

"Bang, BANG, Bang, shoot bang sizzle pku-pku, chk-chk, banng"

I guess I will load the gun now and really shoot it. I don't know how to stand while shooting this Mosss-burger-thing. What comes to mind is 

-ASH (Army of Darkness) - A dame in one hand and a shotgun in the other

-Green Army Guys -  On one knee, laying down, and kill shot posses

-Any tough guy film - gun on side, just below ribs with a match stick in mouth

-or...Louie my cracked out neighbor  - He looks like this guy with guns

Louie took off months ago....In fact most people took off in this neighborhood, except Mr. Wong and I. Alone on a big empty, vacant street, for awhile it was nice. The recluse I have become is no more. I take the shotgun back to Mr. Wong's house for an appraisal. A tap at the door with my shotgun.

-SCREECH-

Wow, I just stole a 1978 Toyota Corolla wagon, bright blue. It's pretty awesome.  No shocks. Although there is a sweet box of beer cozies in the backseat. The only thing left on the whole street!

I know where I'm going.

-Thecarelessmind-

December 15th 2012.....6 days Til the End....

12:02 am Breaking News.

As first reported the end of days is near. The earth is officially off corse. Antarctica could be gone within few days. Reports of mass flooding in Florida and California have been confirmed.  Days and night will be or could be longer or short at any given moment. The cause may never be known. Earthquakes have been reported in Kansas and it is snowing in Egypt as we speak. We are fucked. It is out of our hands and in the hands of Mother Nature now. I'm Lloyd Bla.. (click)

What do I do now? I will be gone in six days. Everyone will be gone in six days. This is it. Will Smith can't even save us from this. I think, I will check my mail. I should get a Christmas card from someone. Open, reach my hand in, grab mail, pull out, thumb through, no card, just a a postcard reminder. I go back inside to sit in silence. For a few minutes I hear people yelling and tires screeching. I see a cat race across the lawn from my window. This won't be "Life After People" this will be "Absolutely nothing After Six Days". The rover on Mars won't know what the hell to do with itself. Good thing NASA sent that robot to Mars with a box of Twinkees and Swiss Army knife.

I need to keep calm. I'm sure if there is people who care about me, they will right? I attached a lanyard to my cellphone then put the lanyard on. What to do? Stay calm, thats right. Time is my worst enemy now. So task one.

Destroy all clocks. Our weakness is time. From now on I will bring a bag of hammers with me, and always carry one on me.

Breaking stuff calms the soul. Destruction of time, means no more looking to see if I'm late or early...or what time I should get up from slumber....or how long do I have left? While in the process of breaking time, I decide to burn calendars too.

While everyone is running around......I wait to plan my next move. Its if I had won lottery. I would do nothing, unless I have a plan. And me, I never have a plan. An idea, but thats not good enough. Everything will change. Everything I was use to doing, will change. I look around my place I grab -

My NERF Turbo football
     A football makes me smile. It's more than a football. It's opening it at Christmas time. It's grabbing it before I go to the park. It's tossing it in my front yard with my dad before dinner time. It's digging my finger nails into it while watching the clutching moments of a meaningful game. It's my football.

My iPod
     My iPod itself doesn't mean anything, but what I put into it is me. A song can put you in a different place. I will need that.

Yep thats it. And of course a bag of hammers. I will rest now and when I awake, I will have committed my first crime Grand Theft Auto.

The plan was always just an idea.

-The Carelessmind-

Single White Chainsaw Man...

Hi
 My name is Albert Preston Underwood V

What does the V stand for?

I'm the fifth Albert, blah blah blah in my family.

Please have a seat.

I took a seat in a room filled with people who seem normal, average people who are strangers to me. I may or may not see them ever again. I usually have a lot roaming around in my head at any given moment. Even when there abundant amount of people sitting in a room. I never have a problem making small talk, but I have a lame problem with awkward pauses.

Hi, do you have a pen.

Let me check.

Ok.

Yes, but I only have one.

Oh (Long awkward pause) What kind of pen is it?

I knew this was pre-hire orientation, but wow this company had the old school style desks. This room had the feeling of east Compton with a bag of Skittles that just puked everywhere.  Easy-E meets Janice Joplin in Munchkinland on a Thursday night after "Friends". I think that explained the room.

I was concerned, there were three openings and twenty or so people had showed up. We were handed a few pieces of paper stapled together. The first page was filled with stupid brain puzzles.

These companies think they are so cleaver. I think they target the people who don't know these trivial games. Most of the time these type of people are simply "yes" people. And they hardly question anything. I do and don't have a problem with this. I don't - because who am I to judge. You do a good job then you deserve a gold star. Where I do - these people usually get used, are taken advantage of, and in most cases over worked under paid. Anyways, I past the first page .

Page 2 - Interview Your Neighbor 

I really hate doing this. Why?

A) The person won't shut up.....talk talk talk....Question one is only your name...Calm the fuck down ....Sally.........I need to borrow your pen.

B) or...Sally won't talk at all......

C) or....Sally.....will correct me....."Sallee, with 2 E's" ....... Well thats just silly Sallee. Stop smiling silly Sallee.

I knew there had to be some sort of social aspect for this ridiculous act of cruelty. A ton of questions, and a lot of fake answers I gave too.

"Where were you born?"

Well here was my answer......

I consulted with the state of Idaho before forging a fictional place. It only costed me my Kiss Lp "Love Gun" and a blue football field they were both just lying in my backyard at the time. Idaho was happy. I use it at every job, if asked. 

Fun Fact: When I was 19, I applied at Wal-Mart. Under special skill I put, Kung-fu Master. Ron (the interviewer) told me I would be a great fit in the sporting goods department because of my skills. 

Page - 3 Please stand up

Ok. I stood. Soon everyone was standing with puzzled expressions. Yes, the third and last page just said "Please Stand Up'.

This exercise will have nothing to do with the job you applied for, but it will inform you, that, if  you do not get offered the job there maybe other ways of help.

So this exercise is.....Thanks, we don't want you, but as a parting gift we will provide with the awareness that there is other opportunities for you. Ok, I'll go along with shenanigans.

Please sit down if you are hispanic 

8 of 20 sit

Please sit down if you are Native American

2 of 12 sit

Please sit down if you are a Veteran?

3 of 10 sit

Please sit down if you have kids?

3 of  7 sit

Please sit if you are African-American?

1 of 4 sit

Please sit if you are on a work Visa?

1 of 3

Now there are two people standing.....Sallee and I 

Please sit if you are married?

Sallee sits down.

Now, I bet you are wondering why you are still standing? 

Yeah, can I sit down now?

In just a second. Do you know that there isn't any kind of organization for a single white male without kids? 

All I could come with were smart ass remarks and I knew there had to be a few people in the KKK who have children. I'd rather sink to the bottom of the ocean while using a chainsaw to cut off my limbs then to have anything to do with KKK. 

I never really looked into why there wasn't. There is Welfare and Food Stamps, but is that the first option offered at the offices of UNCF? No! It really felt degrading, kind of like, reverse racism? I don't know why they had to point me out. I am a US citizen. I pay taxes, I water plants and feed animals. I really wish now that I never even showed up for that wacko job opportunity. Still to this day, I think about that.

....Or it could be that I'm not very smart, and there has always been organizations. Do they cease to exist? Again, if these things did exist for single white males....would people just assume, what I assumed............Is it a fact that most homeless shelters are filled with swm? 

For the last two weeks, I have heard politicians talk and talk. How they are going to help struggling families, help immigration, create jobs, lower the debt, Easwood mumbles to an empty chair, foreign polices, peace talks, over sea trade, auto industry, Wall Street....and la de dah! I would of been nice to hear at least five seconds about me. I seem to vote for the well being of others.  

Welp! Time to go to Sears and buy a chainsaw!  

The Prediction Show NFL 2013...Just a Hunch

I love football.
I hate when my team looses. (testosterone level falls)
I hate when the Packers, Redskins, Giants, Eagles, 49ers, Steelers, Broncos, and Patriots win!
I love getting lost in the games.
I love the feeling when my team wins. (testosterone level raises)

Along with football, comes fall. Autumn, is a beautiful. Summer, is a beautiful liar!
Halloween and hoodies.

And Football!

For the last two years, I have really tried to predict the out come.
I'm always right.
The teams just never listen to me.
So, I would like to try this again.
Maybe they will listen.

AFC - American Football Conference

EAST - A pathetic division, a bunch of dicks and classless swaggers

New England Patriots - (10 - 6) See east, Brady can suck-it!
Buffalo Bills - (8 - 8) You know why the Bills can't have any cereal? Because they lost all their bowls.
Miami Dolphins - (5 - 10) The two wins come from the Jets, one win from the Patriots, and two other wins from the Heat.
New York Jets - (1 - 15) Face the facts, even on toilet paper Tebow is an awful player. In their only win, the defense sacks the unknown comic Arizona Cardinals QB for a safety 2 - 0 Jets win.

NORTH - Dirty, Dirty, Dirty

Baltimore Ravens - (12 - 4) This team is tough, rough, and sometimes stupid. Keep focused, see you in the Super Bowl.
Cincinnati Bengals  - (9 - 7) Super Sleeper Team, ACTIVATE! Wait, wait, wait, this isn't right! Or is it?
Pittsburgh Steelers - (7 - 9) All I can say is, the Browns and Bengals are a helluva lot better. Stop! Can you win, stop? Get a cheerleader squad already, stop! Send it.
Cleveland Browns - (6 - 10) At least, from what I hear, Cleveland has a kick-ass toy store.

SOUTH - Here Comes the Honey Boo-hoo Express!!

Houston Texans - (10 - 6) If the QB (Schaub) can control his (and not this) team, They could be tough in the playoffs.
Tennessee Titans - (8 - 8) Most of the defense is old, good receivers, over-rated running back (Johnson), and no Super Bowl WINS.
Indianapolis Colts - (7 - 9) Colts fans are excited about, 2014. When these young Colts will turn into Stallions!
Jacksonville Jaguars - (3 - 13) This is how the Jags will win games this year.

Doddalee Doo, Doddalee Do......And mark that down in the win column.

WEST - Homies, Pudwackers, Small Sparks..........and the Chiefs.

Oakland Raiders - (?? - ??) I hate this division. Although the Raiders represented (or tried to) the AFC in 2003. They were the last team in this division to do so.
Denver Donkeys (??Broncos??) - Manning will be hurt in the first game. Jim Druckenmiller is forced out of retirement for more Bronco losses.
San Diego Super(lame) Chargers - (?? - ??)This is the only team that plays as if they were on the field in a swarm of honey bees.
Kansas City Chiefs - (?? - ??) me laughing .... yes the first 10 or so seconds is me laughing.......Horrid I know, like the season for the KC Chiefs!

  NFC - National Football Conference

EAST- I will always hate 3 of these teams.

Dallas Cowboys - (11 - 5)
New York Giants (G-men) - (8 - 8) The Giants still haven't thanked the 49ers or Kyle Williams for last year.
Philadelphia Eagles - (8 - 8)  Suckie, oooooo are you an Eagles fan? I'm sorry. *chucking a D battery at you*
Washington Redskins - (8 - 8) Mike Ditka said it best, defenses win games, not the all new RJ3 bot...*Bloop Blorp fizzzz 

NORTH - We call that snow, yes even in Detroit.

Green Bay Packers - (12 - 4) Yeah they're going to be ok, but I rather watch listen to Bubble Puppy and eat Limburger cheese, than watch anymore stupid wrestling belt touchdown dances.
Detroit Lions - (9 - 7) I think they are good.....just something about the word "HYPE", I just don't trust.  Remember "The Green Lantern"? Burger King and Sprite believed the hype!
Chicago Bear - (8 - 8) Remember when the BEARS went to the Super Bowl? You don't? Ask a Colts fan. Sorry can't help you, Cowboys fan.
Minnesota Vikings - (5 - 11) I couldn't figure out, much to brag about, well Prince lives there. They have ten thousand lakes! Ok, but slow down Slug.

SOUTH - Ludacris, Master P, T Pain, and Stephen Colbert

New Orleans Saints - (11 - 5) No coach and signs of hurricanes, this season should only feel like a three hour tour to victory. The weather may get a little tough in the playoffs.
Carolina Panthers - (8 - 8) Cam Newton will make or break this team in 2013. 
Atlanta Falcons - (7 - 9)They rely on the "Deep Threat" pass attack way to much. FYI If you google "Deep Threat", you're gonna have a bad time.......or you may like big black porn stars.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - (5 - 11) They are still ashamed of this

WEST - Wow, I had no idea St. Louis was that close to the Pacific Ocean. Yeah! Reading Rainbow!

Seattle Seahawks (11 - 5) This young powerful will shock everyone this year. That is why I'm laying down 5 bucks (Thanks Jake) for them to represent the NFC in the this years Super Bowl.

San Francisco 49ers - (9 - 7) Super hard schedule, minus the 2 time the play the Cardinals. So I dunno.

St. Louis Rams - (6 - 10) I still have no clue why Jeff Fisher would coach a team who beat him in the Super Bowl. Oil and Water? V and D? Gordon Ramsay in an Arbys Kicthen?     

Arizona Cardinals - (2 - 14) No QB, No D, Empty seats, still 94 degrees in December......Kurt please come back, but leave your wife at home.

SUPER BOWL 2013

will

be

VS.

Seattle wins 27 - 19

Good night!

The Carelessmind

I Can Only Handle So Much

It happened again. I wasn't ready for it, I'm actually never ready for it when it happens. 

Play the video now.

Continue to read.

I will tell you about the first time. As you may have notice I walk as if there is an earthquake happening all the time. I except that. I can however walk and chew gum at the same time. It takes a lot of concentration, but I make my dreams possible. I lived in a one bedroom apartment in the armpit of Reno, NV. The walls were glossy from years of body sweat. The dishwasher only wanted to work on Fridays. My tub was filled with headless duck stickers. The cabinets were held together by the work force of termites holding hands. There was a homeless couple digging through the trash every morning at 6am. All they wanted were cans. More quiet tin cans. They also drug around  three other silent trash bags full of cans. Cans that never touch each other in the bag. Why? Cause they knew I liked to sleep. I never slept passed 6:05 am. Fuck CANS are LOUD.

The carpet, a beautiful light brown stained piece of shag (as my dad would say when something is cheaply made) "made by them China people tinkering on Mondays at 11:39pm. This carpet was so worn out, small threads in the shape of loops began to rise. One morning, oh around 6AM! I woke up from cans telling themselves to be quiet. Needless to say I was going to out and offer the homeless couple my wheel barrel. Unfortunately I didn't quit make it. I found myself laying face down in my living room. In shock, I picked myself up and went along to other fantastic projects. Something wasn't right though. I remembered being in a lot of pain before I hit the ground. I heard the sound of duct tape being pulled and a slight breeze to a newly open flesh wound. My big toe nail ripped off. A small piece of my toe nail caught the carpet loop just right. I sat on the couch figuring out what to do with a big toe nail while applying first aid. I was in shock I just put the toe nail in the silverware drawer. 

Later that night I had a girl over for Chinese food. She had no idea how to use chop sticks and grew impatient. I told here there is a fork in the silverware draw. I don't think she said goodbye, we were only four minutes into Letterman too.

I loose my big toe nail at least once a year now. 

And the Distant Scream

I was very excited to go out tonight. We got four tickets for Jack White. It was my buddy, his girlfriend and I. A small side note, after seeing tonight's show, I can easily say Jack White has great story abilities in his song writing. Todays Beatles of story telling, perhaps.

We parked about a mile away (sold out) and all we had to do is walk up 742 flights of stairs, thats all. And that was just to get to the gate. We hand our tickets over -

SCAN - "Sorry no good"

SCAN - "Sorry no good"

SCAN - "No good

SCAN - "Is she with you, and no good"


"You will have to go down the stairs, turn right go down the hill to the box office."
"Why is the box office all the way down there? That's a long walk."
"It's Denver, every ones in shape."
"I didn't know if I should taken that as a complement, then my gut told me start my decent downstairs with my head down low.""Shut up Gut!"


I guess I don't feel guilty for eating hot dog buns and Smarties for dinner again. At the end of the first set of stairs was a cab. Sweet! All four of us pile in.

Cabbie - "That will be five bucks."

BAM - 5

Cabbie - "Each"

All four of us pile out of the cab.

About 40 minutes go by and we are there, where? I dunno, but we are in. And, there were more stairs, awesome! We were in the bottom right and the top far left had open seating. Alright! We haul ass up stairs, everyone buys beers, I drank water, we cruise through the Red Rock Museum, stop, get some shirts, I get more water, and we make our way over.

Full!

So after hours of walking, we stand in the trees. The view was nice if you stood, so I stood. Watching this amazing show. Jack White stood center stage with his band of ladies in white dresses (8 altogether).
The set up was odd and unique, in a rectangle shape. White was almost trapped inside this rectangle of women. I have never really seen a drummer set up by the singer, it was neat. Then it hit me forty minutes in, I drank to much water. Down the stairs I go to the concession stand. I figure there is a bathroom there. I ask the popcorn dude.

"Bathrooms?"

Popcorn Guy - "Ok, so what you want to do is go down a few flight of stairs turn left go down more stairs, turn left and its against the wall."

"*sigh*"

The good thing was I could here the concert still, the bad thing was (no not the stairs) I could hear a little girl (maybe 4 years old) crying too. My first reaction was it's 10pm. Why are there little kids at a loud concert? Oh well hope she ok, still no clue where the scream was coming from. So, back up stairs I go. Im half way to the concessions when I look over the edge. I see two people fighting with their little girl crying. There conversation echoes up the rock. It's a good excuses to rest my feet and look at the view.

Man - "I left to go to the bathroom what happened?"
Woman - "She was walking along side of me on the fence post, she slipped."
Man - "Are you ok sweetie, what hurts?"
Little Girl - "My vagina hurts"

And with that my feet were ready to walk again. I heard "Icky Thump" as I walked back to my standing position under the trees where there was a guy pissing.

Me - "Really?"
Guy - "I'm not hiking up down them stairs"
Me - "Just walk down the fence post."

You still rock Mr.White.

The Times in My Life

I was talking to a friend in Reno last night. This person (whom will rename nameless) is married and has no children. We actually talked on the phone for forty five minutes. I had a feeling something was up. I never get phone calls, execpt from my mom and dad. I guess it's kind of sad. I know it's a two way street. I call someone and someone calls me back kinda thing. I always feel uncomfertable calling, my thought process is always ticking -

"Hello"

- Am I calling at the wrong moment.

- They are probably busy, are you busy?

- Oh you're eating dinner, as in a meal at the table with your family. Home cooked meal? Yum, fuuuuck.

When I get a call, I stop whatever I am doing. You get my whole attention regardless of what I'm doing. This is very personal to me. You took the time out of your day and wanted to hear my voice or opinion or my yammering.In my ma's chase, I don't really get to talk. It's ok though. It's nice just to hear a voice, instead of *ping* coming from your pocket. Sometimes I put my phone on vibrate. Texts are nice but there is nothing like hearing someones voice.

My friend tonight said it would be great to change places with me for just one day? My imitate reaction was, "Did you marry the wrong person?", "Are you not happy?" I know a few people who are very happy in their married life. My parents are divorced, and I am single. I thought hard why would this person would want my life for a day? A day isn't that bad, I guess. I always messed up in my past relationships (never cheated or any of that matter) I guess we never fit. Oil and water call it what it was. Some were tough hills, but I made it over. This put steel around my heart, I let no one in, I never get hurt. I have come find out there are an abundant of holes in the steel . My friend is scared because there is talk of a kid. Big deal so theres talk of a kid. I live such a playboy life style with my fancy yacht collection, my loose women, and fast cars. It's more like, open a box of Golden Grahams and watching re-runs of Roseanna in my underpants. Although lately, I have more activities on my plate. Fun!

Me - "So, I have to ask, why me?"
"...................................................."
Me - "Are you there?"
"Because I wanna be more like you."
Me - "......................................................"
"Are YOU there, hello?"
Me - "I'm here........................"

I never asked why. Deep down inside, I would like think I know why.

2012 Movies ...I Love so far....not like, Love.

I have loved more movies this year, than at this point last year. It's a good sign that things have escalated at the box office.
HOWEVER!!!!
There were some bad movies that made a ton of money this year too.

Worst Movies of the year, in my eyes!

3.  The Hunger Games - Yes, I was bored to tears in this PG-13 nonsense. The clothing was a huge rip off of "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey". Did anyone even look hungry?

2. A Thousand Words - Eddie Murphys back, and theres a tree, and leaves fall from it, and, why aren't you laughing, thats funny shit......this movie sat on the shelf for almost four years. Theres NO need for it.

1. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance - This is bad, stay away, way away, so far away. I wanna punch Nick Cage  in the nose, and I don't like punching, it's mean. 

There were a handful of movies that I did refuse to see...MAGIC MIKE! Anything with Tyler Perry. The lame January horror movies. 

I also thought  there were some movies that tried to hard - The Dictator and American Reunion 

Here are my top five (Highly Recommended) films I loved this year so far.


TOP 5 Best Loved Movies by me!


5. Cabin In the Woods - The movie directed by "The Avengers" Joss Whedon, and then sat on the shelves for a few years! Why, the only thing they should of changed was the marketing, and possibly the title. I smell cult classic.

4. Wanderlust - I dunno about you, but I like laughing til it hurts. I have a warped sense of humor. While others may of passed it by (I think the title was the weakest thing) I was there on opening night. True story, I laughed and was told to laugh quieter. Rudd Rules!

3. Safety, Not Guaranteed - Lost love and a time machine, in one classified ad. Sign me Up! The script and the acting is what makes this movie shine. I love a movie that makes you wanna talk about it on the way home.

2. Moonrise Kingdom - Com'on Bill Murray in a Wes Anderson film. The story is great and it would be safe to say Anderson is the king of dry humor. For many years my favorite was "The Life Aquatic", but its been dethrone. 

1. Take this Waltz - A simple low budget movie that I wished I never saw. It scaring sometimes when a story charcter nails your very own persona, the way others may see you, how you act, and YOUR FAULTS!!! Seth Rogan goes out of his way to act like me (minus the my gangsta lean and the chicken)Oh man this was a great movie though. I don't even care if Sarah Silverman and Michelle Williams had a shower scene. The whole movie felt so real. Its always fun to dream that, "hey I could be the IronMan", but when dreams come to be reality and its in the form of a movie .Wow! Its erie to watch yourself when you had no idea it was coming.