Single White Chainsaw Man...

Hi
 My name is Albert Preston Underwood V

What does the V stand for?

I'm the fifth Albert, blah blah blah in my family.

Please have a seat.

I took a seat in a room filled with people who seem normal, average people who are strangers to me. I may or may not see them ever again. I usually have a lot roaming around in my head at any given moment. Even when there abundant amount of people sitting in a room. I never have a problem making small talk, but I have a lame problem with awkward pauses.

Hi, do you have a pen.

Let me check.

Ok.

Yes, but I only have one.

Oh (Long awkward pause) What kind of pen is it?

I knew this was pre-hire orientation, but wow this company had the old school style desks. This room had the feeling of east Compton with a bag of Skittles that just puked everywhere.  Easy-E meets Janice Joplin in Munchkinland on a Thursday night after "Friends". I think that explained the room.

I was concerned, there were three openings and twenty or so people had showed up. We were handed a few pieces of paper stapled together. The first page was filled with stupid brain puzzles.

These companies think they are so cleaver. I think they target the people who don't know these trivial games. Most of the time these type of people are simply "yes" people. And they hardly question anything. I do and don't have a problem with this. I don't - because who am I to judge. You do a good job then you deserve a gold star. Where I do - these people usually get used, are taken advantage of, and in most cases over worked under paid. Anyways, I past the first page .

Page 2 - Interview Your Neighbor 

I really hate doing this. Why?

A) The person won't shut up.....talk talk talk....Question one is only your name...Calm the fuck down ....Sally.........I need to borrow your pen.

B) or...Sally won't talk at all......

C) or....Sally.....will correct me....."Sallee, with 2 E's" ....... Well thats just silly Sallee. Stop smiling silly Sallee.

I knew there had to be some sort of social aspect for this ridiculous act of cruelty. A ton of questions, and a lot of fake answers I gave too.

"Where were you born?"

Well here was my answer......

I consulted with the state of Idaho before forging a fictional place. It only costed me my Kiss Lp "Love Gun" and a blue football field they were both just lying in my backyard at the time. Idaho was happy. I use it at every job, if asked. 

Fun Fact: When I was 19, I applied at Wal-Mart. Under special skill I put, Kung-fu Master. Ron (the interviewer) told me I would be a great fit in the sporting goods department because of my skills. 

Page - 3 Please stand up

Ok. I stood. Soon everyone was standing with puzzled expressions. Yes, the third and last page just said "Please Stand Up'.

This exercise will have nothing to do with the job you applied for, but it will inform you, that, if  you do not get offered the job there maybe other ways of help.

So this exercise is.....Thanks, we don't want you, but as a parting gift we will provide with the awareness that there is other opportunities for you. Ok, I'll go along with shenanigans.

Please sit down if you are hispanic 

8 of 20 sit

Please sit down if you are Native American

2 of 12 sit

Please sit down if you are a Veteran?

3 of 10 sit

Please sit down if you have kids?

3 of  7 sit

Please sit if you are African-American?

1 of 4 sit

Please sit if you are on a work Visa?

1 of 3

Now there are two people standing.....Sallee and I 

Please sit if you are married?

Sallee sits down.

Now, I bet you are wondering why you are still standing? 

Yeah, can I sit down now?

In just a second. Do you know that there isn't any kind of organization for a single white male without kids? 

All I could come with were smart ass remarks and I knew there had to be a few people in the KKK who have children. I'd rather sink to the bottom of the ocean while using a chainsaw to cut off my limbs then to have anything to do with KKK. 

I never really looked into why there wasn't. There is Welfare and Food Stamps, but is that the first option offered at the offices of UNCF? No! It really felt degrading, kind of like, reverse racism? I don't know why they had to point me out. I am a US citizen. I pay taxes, I water plants and feed animals. I really wish now that I never even showed up for that wacko job opportunity. Still to this day, I think about that.

....Or it could be that I'm not very smart, and there has always been organizations. Do they cease to exist? Again, if these things did exist for single white males....would people just assume, what I assumed............Is it a fact that most homeless shelters are filled with swm? 

For the last two weeks, I have heard politicians talk and talk. How they are going to help struggling families, help immigration, create jobs, lower the debt, Easwood mumbles to an empty chair, foreign polices, peace talks, over sea trade, auto industry, Wall Street....and la de dah! I would of been nice to hear at least five seconds about me. I seem to vote for the well being of others.  

Welp! Time to go to Sears and buy a chainsaw!