I Should Be Asleep .......#3

I should be asleep, but I just got off the phone with my mom after a lengthy phone chat, to I had ended by saying, "It was nice talki....listening to you". She had called me to say sorry. Sorry for the way she was never there to guide me in a direction I had wanted to go in life or school or even to fully back my decisions, even if I would of failed at them later. I could be saying, "When I was 24 I tried to audition for Corky in "Life Goes On"and now I could said I did it and failed, but it felt so good to try it because people were backing me. Instead she would say things that I should be doing. I'm not sure, but if she would of guided me I don't think I would be sitting here writing this. Maybe I am a good example of what not to be.

Parent: Hey Ann, you see that old guy going to school?
Ann: Yeah
Parent: Don't be that guy, he is one lost soul.

So of course I told her it wasn't her fault (4 out of 37 words I got to use in about a 2 hour conversation). She is a great lady, but the last ten years she has lived in the past and regrets. Which I have told her on many occasions that approach to life has no effect on her kids at all. None what so ever, well maybe one, but 2 out of 3 ain't to shabby as a parent. However she got me thinking, to the point where the bottom of my eyes are flooded and I refuse to blink. Not gonna happen. I have sailed throughout my whole life without a leader, mentor, a rock, a shoulder, supporter and I am lost, still. The older I get the less passion for finding dreams vanish. Poof. Ladies? Ha, I have missed at least 4, well as of recently 5 times now. I really let the great ones slip out, they caught the boat. While I just missed the boat. For the last few years I have felt like a man who has been damned. I try to escape in a joke or some random act of goofiness. I think it would of also helped if someone said just one time say that I was good at something, just once.  I am always telling my mother it's always easier to be sad than it is to be happy.

If I was a drunk I bet this blog entry would be a few pages longer. You as the reader (if you had made it this far, you are one lucky person) I'm not a drunk I have only had a few drinks tonight, this Evian is kicking my ass.

Well Its time to fall or try to fall asleep. Last night I had a dream someone wanted to show me something in their bag, I was excited to see it, until they had pulled out a gun and shot me in the face. I fell sideways in a closet with my ears ringing. I laid with one eye gazing forward laying on my side. I never had thought to mention to myself.......I hope this is a dream.

It truly scared the shit out of me.