It’s Valentine’s Day!! Don’t Read if You Don’t Like the Picture

Fuck! Why does this so-called holiday have to exist? There should be a non-governmental committee to change this holiday. We could call it the group of cool people for the district planet earth-472, earthly changes that will not effect anyones daily life cycle. The alternative names for February 14 would be - Happy Fight Club Day, Happy Fuck You Day, Happy Depression Day, Happy Sharpen Knives in a Shady Park Day or Happy Tap That Day. Let's face it flowers die and chocolate just makes you fat. My heart this year is still in 1 million pieces, it's nothing new, this is what I'm used to. For a moment, I did feel so warmth of my beating heart, it was a goddamn breathless moment. But nevertheless it's back to its original state of shatterness.

However something new is there this time, it's a sense of numbness, like I have no feelings for anything at all. And the scary thing is I am kinda OK with it. Yeah I know that is probably not the right thing to do going forward. But I can't help how fucked up I feel inside. And I pushed a lot of people away because of it. And I'm still OK with it but I know it's not right. Am I alive or am I just kidding myself. I'm fearless but I'm scared, physically I can take pain, but emotionally I'm stuck with pain. You could be the nicest person in the world, be loving, caring and be a giver, but when you don't realize that you are mean thats terrifing. At least a bully knows when they are being mean. They don't sugar coat it. So fuck my feelings they don't need anymore exposure moving forward. I'll just start writing about fake plastic trees and bury little emotion. It just takes some time but I will be back to the ol "used" me in no time. ............I've always searched for change, but I never found it. So I ran, I'm done running. < class="separator" style="clear: both;">

Oh My God, It’s Crocodile Dundee

People are funny. People are missed. Some people don't have a clue. Some people are nice. Some people claim they're nice. Some people go out of their ways for other people and some people just claim they do. Some people ghost out. Some people would not ever do cowardless acts. Some people might think this is a really bad version of Dr Seuss book. Some people will say anything and some people will listen and believe their words. And even some people claim they met Crocodlie Dundee. I am pleased to say I have a friend in Washington who has helped me through this fucked up winter. Everyone could use a friend like mine. She sticks with me on my rollercoaster like no others. I feel like I'm on this roller coaster and I can't get off. Sometimes the tracks disappear, yet I still make it through the ride. And as more and more people get off the ride, I look back and see her waving at me. She wants to go around again and again. As we go on the roller coaster ride every round seems like it gets smoother and smoother and more and more of the track comes into focus. It's as if the roller coaster ride is slowly becoming fun again. It's being repaired slowly and creatively. I know I'll be leaving this roller coaster soon and moving on to other attractions. But for now I must stay on the coaster until it's fully repaired. Whenever I feel the tracks are coming apart, I remember her quote, I just read the sign she posted at the begining of the ride ---"Even the right person at the wrong time, is still the wrong person" --- So why stay on this right? Why don't I just get off and move on? It's because I don't want any imposters to ride this ride. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice get the fuck off of this ride. I also want to make sure that it's fully functional and ready to go. ------ While I truly miss the people in Washington, the weather, the nature, I just need to feel grounded. For the last five years I have seen a lot and I have done a lot. I may only have one heart, but it feels like its been pooped to many times.

I feel sometimes as if my heart just drank a case of Mountain Dew and snorted coke lines off a stripers ass. And my anxiety is that the door with more cases of Mountain Dew and blow. Then my mind is no fucking help at all. It may tell the heart to slow down, but in all reality I will lose focus really fast instead of watching the heart at its most vulnerable. My mind will try its hardest to focus, but then shit like this will happen --- Hold on hard hold on for one more day heart, wait, is that a Wilson Phillips band song. I remember the video with the three sisters they were on top of the hill slapping their legs to the beat of their cringy song, wait was that the same hill that's in the opening credits of the Little House on the Prairie, I only made it through the credits because I thought it was hilarious when the little girl fell down the hill, and I don't know why the producer said let's just keep this in the opening credits, Wait, I think I still have more credits on my Dave and Busters card in my wallet, why I have two D&b cards, fuck if I know, wait, I know, is today the 10th? I need food, but don't feel like cooking (Anxiety walks through the door of the heart and tosses up another Mountain Dew) I need to buy another book, who really buys butt plugs anymore, how do you order a computer online when you don't have one to begin with, My dad's funny he still thinks we met Crocodile Dundee at some geriatric shit hole casino, Paul Hogan who plays Crocodile Dundee would never sign an autograph "To my pal, your mate Croc Dundee", hey mind, let's not ever argue this with dad again, let's just say he's right, do you smell that smoke smells like somebody's burning something, why does my left arm hurt holy shit am I having a heart attack. I just need to remind my heart.

Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was my popsicle stick cabin. That shit took me two weeks in six grade.

My Haircut Sucks

Welcome to February, worst month ever. There's only one reason why this month is so terrible. It's terrible for singles, it's terrible for couples, the pressures on more than any other holiday of the year. Valentine's Day needs to be drug out into the street and taught a lesson. The last girl I really liked I might not get over at all, of course I can move on but she's always going to be in the back of my mind. I wonder how she's doing, I wonder if she's OK. It's gonna be a long time before I can shake this. I Look at her and the world has stopped spinning. And I have never felt that way before. Right now, its important for me to step aside and let her do her thing. So for Valentine's Day I am going to dress up as Cupid. Although Cupid's going to have a broken heart and no game. I have been pretty down lately but I hold and hide my emotions fairly well in person now. I almost feel like a new person, only in a more cynical way. I love hearing cliché phrases you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel or things will get better they always do or there's plenty of fish in the sea. So my cynical self felt that I needed to change so I got a ridiculous haircut that I absolutely hate. When I was 17 years old I was talking to a girl or a lady online and she worked as a hairdresser. It was here in Reno and I often drive by it just to see if it's open still. I....I actually haven't driven by there in about 10 years. I have never gone back to that place to get another cut and here's why. At the age of 17 to my current age right now, I have no idea when I'm flirting or when I'm not flirting. I know when I'm forcefully flirting and it's not working, but when I casually flirt I don't think I'm flirting at all. So this lady told me to come down and she would give me a free haircut. I said wow that is awesome a free haircut. She said yes come down after closing time and I'll be the only one in the building, I was 17 I didn't catch on to her lingo. So I went down there, sat in the chair she turn down the lights and cut my hair. She was absolutely wearing no bra because she kept smashing her tits into my head. My heart was racing and I was a little nervous at the time. This lady was probably 29 years old at the most. She gave me one of the worst haircuts in history. When I said - are you done she said no and unzipped my pants and took off her shirt. And then gave me my first hummer. I had forgotten how awful my haircut was she had just given me. I walked out of the building as if I just woke up from a good nights rest. As I looked in my rearview mirror at my haircut it was as if I slept on one side of my head all night long. I felt kind of awful I didn't even tip her. She said it was a free haircut.

So now every time I get a haircut, a bad haircut, I just think how suckier it could of been. *sigh*

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - Fin

This is the end. The radio silence is too much to bare. You sit on a rock on your island, but all you have are memories. Staring out into the sea, you haven't seen a boat pass by you, haven't seen a helicopter or plane in the sky it's as if you were deserted and left there for a reason. Yet you will never know the reason why, it may never come to you again. You have done your best, there is no going back now. You have done your best to keep to yourself and not talk to anyone else. There is only one way off this island. You struggle with the beautiful thing that get stuck in your mind and no longer can see. All that you can remember is laughing and having the best time of your life. When you seek other treasure be strong be yourself and know that not all treasure is real. Don't believe everything that you hear or see until you know that it's real. So believe it, it's been over a month you've been lost at sea it's time to start paddling somewhere and hopefully something will come by if not keep swimming. You want to reach out just say hi, but you don't want to sink again. You know there's other treasure in the sea, but you're afraid to get rejected by anything else. The heart is weak and fragile and it once was coated by stone. it desperately sucks waking up in the morning and the first thing you wanna think about still is the treasure at the bottom of the sea. Time will tell the story. It's not up to you if you are a part of it, just know that you'll be here if ever anyone needs you. Just keep your eye open for rescue boat, but beware, be cautious, be optimistic, but most importantly just be you. Good Bye.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - The Sky

Imagine the sky when you close your eyes. Is it blue? Are there clouds? Is the sky gray?

The sky you imagine, that will be your concept of what it looks like. It's real easy to imagine what the sky you picture is. Once you realize the concept of what something looks like it's real easy to think of it. Everyone has a concept and everyone is familiar with what their own sky looks like. The sky, just like your thoughts will never go away. It may change, but the sky will always come right back to being blue. As much as you want to move on from a blue sky there maybe no escaping something that is beautiful. There is nothing like the warmth and comfort of a nice blue sky. Now picture yourself lying in the sand with somebody else close, practically ear to ear. You're both holding hands, you both have an EarPod in each of your outter ears as you stare at the blue sky and share a song together. This is the sky you want, you can imagine the face but you don't care about the place. You both are under the same sky, no matter what color it maybe. No matter the difference with the concept of the sky. You both lie in the same spot underneath the sky. Why do your thoughts keep punishing you from these mirages of happiness? You've seen this island before but you still wait to see all the beauty that lies at the bottom of the sea. It's as if skies turn gray and it starts to snow, it snows for five long days isolating you in one spot. Now your thoughts move from a blue sky to a gray sky where everything is cloudy all the time. You can only escape while you sleep, but you can never control your dream state. You find it difficult to function under any sky. The cliché saying the heart wants what the heart wants is utter bullshit when there's no talking with the sky at all, it does what it does. The beautiful thing is the sky is always around you. Be thankful for waking up out of your tortured dreams of hope and viewing the sky above. So just appreciate the sky for what it is as you lay in the sand sinking into it. Remember clouds come and go but the sky will always be there.

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - The Soundtrack

No island would be complete without its own soundtrack. These are songs that get washed up on shore, sinking to you. They make you happy, they make you smile, they make you sad, but most importantly they make you feel something. To feel something, is beautiful, at least you did, it only took 45 years, but it happened.

Thrice - Sea Change/// The Avalanches - Interstellar Love/// The Head and the Heart - Another Story/// Pacific - Sleeping at Last/// Mathew Mole - Running After You/// Old Sea Brigade - Love Brought Weight/// Jimmy Eat World - 23, My Sundown, Kill/// Lord Huron - The Birds are Singing at Night/// The XX - Islands/// The Cars - Drive/// Fink - Looking Too Closely/// Maxence Cyrin - Where is My Mind?/// Lord Huron - The Night We Met/// (This is the theme) Sleep well-----

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - You Don’t Belong Here

Welcome, rest, relax, kick back there is no one here or there to save you. You are free from anyone ever caring for you, loving you, wanting you, being with you, you are on your own. You know this feeling all to well, it is like getting run over and used. But welcome to paradise. Here you are invited to craft that noose out of bamboo leaves and build that boat that someone promised to do together(a metaphor). You hold it together so well and yet no one knows. No one knows the pain you've gone through throughout your entire life, whenever there's a glimmer of hope it's always shut down immediately no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want it, there is nothing you can do. Your heart wasn't meant to become a punching bag. Yet it hangs on by a thread.

There are these tools moving forward. Being isolated teaches you to not make the same mistakes. It won't drag others down with you. When you sink in the boat, you sink alone. No longer do others care, its as if you were telling someone your dream. Nobody cares, and this is Careless island. Where being ghosted by the people you care about deeply hurts no matter how much time has passed. The one-sided passion song is always off by one note.