Is it the Wine Talking?

First off I'm built of more whips than Nae Nae's. If I'm not working I'm lying in bed. In my life time I've probably bought 10 bottles of wine. Since Christmas of 2020 I've gone through 40 bottles of wine. I'm not proud of it, I don't need it, but it helps me not think. I don't really have an appetite for anything anymore. I remember getting ready for school when I was little. My sister and I would get up extra early to dress my brother in the front of the fireplace. We didn't have central heating, but we had a fireplace. I'll never forget that goddamn fireplace, because my sister and I had to stack wood after school every goddamn day. The shit got old really fast, cord after cord after cord of wood. I remember one time my mother came out to help us stack wood and a gardener snake came out and she flipped the fuck out. She grabbed a hoe and chopped up that motherfucker into 18,000 goddamn pieces. That poor gardener snake didn't have a chance. I noticed that I cuss a lot more when I get a little buzz, but I don't feel anything anymore I'm numb and then I pass out and go to sleep. I wake up and I'm fucking thirsty for water and I have to face the day. I've never been this more depressed in my entire life but I don't care. It was bound to happen. I think to myself why can't anybody ever love me. But then what does it matter I spent my whole entire life without one person even giving a shit that I was an option. I know, I know there's been times when I loved myself but there's been times where I'm like who the fuck are you Mr. Mind? So why care now. I'm done being upset. This sucks because I do still care. The word caring in my life has gotten me inches so far. Its as if the word caring means to do the moonwalk in life. But let me tell you whatever I bought tonight is goddamn awful, the wine is awful. One time my sister and I were in the front yard arguing about something. I don't really know what we were arguing about, but it made my mom mad and she pounded on my sisters window which faced the front yard. My mother started pounding on my sisters window and telling us to be quiet. My mother didn't know her own strengths and broke the window. My sister and I started laughing at her. We ended up getting grounded because my mother broke the window. I guess she was angry at us, I don't really remember, I just remember her face when she broke the window. It was hilarious. I don't know how to be myself around anybody anymore. My best friend Tony he is the only one who really knows knows whats going on. He's always been by my side since six grade. I had to change schools in the middle of sixth grade. That does a lot on a kid, not to mention a kid with a limp. On my second day of six grade at the new school, Tony and I started swinging on the swings and my shoe came off and hit a girl in the face. Her name was Beth, she got a scar right next to her eye and nobody messed with me after that. I felt bad she sat right next to me during band class. I played the clarinet but I was last chair because I hated playing the clarinet. I know my blogs don't make sense all the time and this is no exception. Wine it! Cheers.

----The Blue Nun----Our evening began in Peter Seychelle's comfortable study In his new york townhouse Where the candle light was just right The hi-fi was in the background And the wine was delicious What's the secret, Peter? Naturally, I'll say it's the wine Mmm, it does go well with the chicken Delicious again, Peter

It’s Valentine’s Day!! Don’t Read if You Don’t Like the Picture

Fuck! Why does this so-called holiday have to exist? There should be a non-governmental committee to change this holiday. We could call it the group of cool people for the district planet earth-472, earthly changes that will not effect anyones daily life cycle. The alternative names for February 14 would be - Happy Fight Club Day, Happy Fuck You Day, Happy Depression Day, Happy Sharpen Knives in a Shady Park Day or Happy Tap That Day. Let's face it flowers die and chocolate just makes you fat. My heart this year is still in 1 million pieces, it's nothing new, this is what I'm used to. For a moment, I did feel so warmth of my beating heart, it was a goddamn breathless moment. But nevertheless it's back to its original state of shatterness.

However something new is there this time, it's a sense of numbness, like I have no feelings for anything at all. And the scary thing is I am kinda OK with it. Yeah I know that is probably not the right thing to do going forward. But I can't help how fucked up I feel inside. And I pushed a lot of people away because of it. And I'm still OK with it but I know it's not right. Am I alive or am I just kidding myself. I'm fearless but I'm scared, physically I can take pain, but emotionally I'm stuck with pain. You could be the nicest person in the world, be loving, caring and be a giver, but when you don't realize that you are mean thats terrifing. At least a bully knows when they are being mean. They don't sugar coat it. So fuck my feelings they don't need anymore exposure moving forward. I'll just start writing about fake plastic trees and bury little emotion. It just takes some time but I will be back to the ol "used" me in no time. ............I've always searched for change, but I never found it. So I ran, I'm done running. < class="separator" style="clear: both;">

Oh My God, It’s Crocodile Dundee

People are funny. People are missed. Some people don't have a clue. Some people are nice. Some people claim they're nice. Some people go out of their ways for other people and some people just claim they do. Some people ghost out. Some people would not ever do cowardless acts. Some people might think this is a really bad version of Dr Seuss book. Some people will say anything and some people will listen and believe their words. And even some people claim they met Crocodlie Dundee. I am pleased to say I have a friend in Washington who has helped me through this fucked up winter. Everyone could use a friend like mine. She sticks with me on my rollercoaster like no others. I feel like I'm on this roller coaster and I can't get off. Sometimes the tracks disappear, yet I still make it through the ride. And as more and more people get off the ride, I look back and see her waving at me. She wants to go around again and again. As we go on the roller coaster ride every round seems like it gets smoother and smoother and more and more of the track comes into focus. It's as if the roller coaster ride is slowly becoming fun again. It's being repaired slowly and creatively. I know I'll be leaving this roller coaster soon and moving on to other attractions. But for now I must stay on the coaster until it's fully repaired. Whenever I feel the tracks are coming apart, I remember her quote, I just read the sign she posted at the begining of the ride ---"Even the right person at the wrong time, is still the wrong person" --- So why stay on this right? Why don't I just get off and move on? It's because I don't want any imposters to ride this ride. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice get the fuck off of this ride. I also want to make sure that it's fully functional and ready to go. ------ While I truly miss the people in Washington, the weather, the nature, I just need to feel grounded. For the last five years I have seen a lot and I have done a lot. I may only have one heart, but it feels like its been pooped to many times.

I feel sometimes as if my heart just drank a case of Mountain Dew and snorted coke lines off a stripers ass. And my anxiety is that the door with more cases of Mountain Dew and blow. Then my mind is no fucking help at all. It may tell the heart to slow down, but in all reality I will lose focus really fast instead of watching the heart at its most vulnerable. My mind will try its hardest to focus, but then shit like this will happen --- Hold on hard hold on for one more day heart, wait, is that a Wilson Phillips band song. I remember the video with the three sisters they were on top of the hill slapping their legs to the beat of their cringy song, wait was that the same hill that's in the opening credits of the Little House on the Prairie, I only made it through the credits because I thought it was hilarious when the little girl fell down the hill, and I don't know why the producer said let's just keep this in the opening credits, Wait, I think I still have more credits on my Dave and Busters card in my wallet, why I have two D&b cards, fuck if I know, wait, I know, is today the 10th? I need food, but don't feel like cooking (Anxiety walks through the door of the heart and tosses up another Mountain Dew) I need to buy another book, who really buys butt plugs anymore, how do you order a computer online when you don't have one to begin with, My dad's funny he still thinks we met Crocodile Dundee at some geriatric shit hole casino, Paul Hogan who plays Crocodile Dundee would never sign an autograph "To my pal, your mate Croc Dundee", hey mind, let's not ever argue this with dad again, let's just say he's right, do you smell that smoke smells like somebody's burning something, why does my left arm hurt holy shit am I having a heart attack. I just need to remind my heart.

Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was my popsicle stick cabin. That shit took me two weeks in six grade.

My Haircut Sucks

Welcome to February, worst month ever. There's only one reason why this month is so terrible. It's terrible for singles, it's terrible for couples, the pressures on more than any other holiday of the year. Valentine's Day needs to be drug out into the street and taught a lesson. The last girl I really liked I might not get over at all, of course I can move on but she's always going to be in the back of my mind. I wonder how she's doing, I wonder if she's OK. It's gonna be a long time before I can shake this. I Look at her and the world has stopped spinning. And I have never felt that way before. Right now, its important for me to step aside and let her do her thing. So for Valentine's Day I am going to dress up as Cupid. Although Cupid's going to have a broken heart and no game. I have been pretty down lately but I hold and hide my emotions fairly well in person now. I almost feel like a new person, only in a more cynical way. I love hearing cliché phrases you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel or things will get better they always do or there's plenty of fish in the sea. So my cynical self felt that I needed to change so I got a ridiculous haircut that I absolutely hate. When I was 17 years old I was talking to a girl or a lady online and she worked as a hairdresser. It was here in Reno and I often drive by it just to see if it's open still. I....I actually haven't driven by there in about 10 years. I have never gone back to that place to get another cut and here's why. At the age of 17 to my current age right now, I have no idea when I'm flirting or when I'm not flirting. I know when I'm forcefully flirting and it's not working, but when I casually flirt I don't think I'm flirting at all. So this lady told me to come down and she would give me a free haircut. I said wow that is awesome a free haircut. She said yes come down after closing time and I'll be the only one in the building, I was 17 I didn't catch on to her lingo. So I went down there, sat in the chair she turn down the lights and cut my hair. She was absolutely wearing no bra because she kept smashing her tits into my head. My heart was racing and I was a little nervous at the time. This lady was probably 29 years old at the most. She gave me one of the worst haircuts in history. When I said - are you done she said no and unzipped my pants and took off her shirt. And then gave me my first hummer. I had forgotten how awful my haircut was she had just given me. I walked out of the building as if I just woke up from a good nights rest. As I looked in my rearview mirror at my haircut it was as if I slept on one side of my head all night long. I felt kind of awful I didn't even tip her. She said it was a free haircut.

So now every time I get a haircut, a bad haircut, I just think how suckier it could of been. *sigh*

The Beautiful Things at the Bottom of the Sea - Fin

This is the end. The radio silence is too much to bare. You sit on a rock on your island, but all you have are memories. Staring out into the sea, you haven't seen a boat pass by you, haven't seen a helicopter or plane in the sky it's as if you were deserted and left there for a reason. Yet you will never know the reason why, it may never come to you again. You have done your best, there is no going back now. You have done your best to keep to yourself and not talk to anyone else. There is only one way off this island. You struggle with the beautiful thing that get stuck in your mind and no longer can see. All that you can remember is laughing and having the best time of your life. When you seek other treasure be strong be yourself and know that not all treasure is real. Don't believe everything that you hear or see until you know that it's real. So believe it, it's been over a month you've been lost at sea it's time to start paddling somewhere and hopefully something will come by if not keep swimming. You want to reach out just say hi, but you don't want to sink again. You know there's other treasure in the sea, but you're afraid to get rejected by anything else. The heart is weak and fragile and it once was coated by stone. it desperately sucks waking up in the morning and the first thing you wanna think about still is the treasure at the bottom of the sea. Time will tell the story. It's not up to you if you are a part of it, just know that you'll be here if ever anyone needs you. Just keep your eye open for rescue boat, but beware, be cautious, be optimistic, but most importantly just be you. Good Bye.