Online Dating is Hard - a Quick Summery Why

I'm #1.....0r 2.....What ? 12, Really, I'm Your #12.

On my path through dating sites. I have noticed a few things.

Roses - are not just a flower anymore

Do you party - does not mean there is a keg to tap


The older I get the less likely it is that I will be someones #1. The age range to become someones little fuzzy-bunny-honey #1 is most likely between the ages of 12-28. That doesn't mean an 80 year-old can't find their #1. But it's about how we fall in line.

I was recently on Pleantyoffish.com or POF, whatever and how ever you want to google search it. The site has some major flaws, with zero customer service help. One night I had logged out of my account went to sleep and woke up the next day to log in. I had instantly changed into a Hispanic 22 year old who does not own a shirt. All of my pics were changed, my awesome screen name was stolen. After I had logged off and logged back in I could not log back in.  I was forced into making another wonderful profile. I used two of my favorite things. Cats and Tacos. Then it dawned on me.

Cats and Tacos are my #1 and #2 favorite things. No woman could ever become my #1, or could she? I have no kids and currently have no tacos or cats. SO a woman could come in and be my #1.

But wait!

What if she has three children, then I will never be #1. I'd always be #4.

But wait!

If she has three children, two dogs, then the likely hood of being #4 is shoved down to #6 at best.

But wait!

If she has three children, two dogs, and a childhood best friend, then the hammer comes down at me landing at #^@&#*#@*$*7

But wait!

If she has three children, two dogs, a childhood best friend, a dying beloved grandmother, then I would only be at #8 for smidgen.

But Wait!

If she has three children, two dogs, a childhood best friend, a dying beloved grandmother, where I would only be at #8 for smidgen, but she has always loved Disneyland and pizza. The math gets a bit dicey at this part. I will just say, ballpark, uh, err, ummm.... between #23 and #37.

Hey dog, welcome to the back of the line, in two to three months!

So the next time you go searching for your #1, make sure the the pic of her or him is with out numbers :)

Good-luck, I'm deleting my account

and eating tacos.

Good Night Chris Cornell

George Eastman invented the Kodak camera. He did something that no other person at the time did. He made sure that hundreds of small town folks could share and save their memories. Eastman touched the lives of families and in the process made Kodak a household name. Kodak was a word he just made up, it had no meaning, and that's what Eastman wanted. By the age of 77, George Eastman took his own life with a shotgun. He left a note saying "My work is done, why wait?"

Who knows what Chris Cornell was going through May 17, 2017 on the Detroit stage inside the Fox Theater. As he was singing, did age catch up to him? He was a recovering addict, did he slip and not tell anyone? Did he realize his bands would never reach that high peak again? Cornell has a family, he is well off, he has seen the world. He is loved by other talented musicians, fans, and other respectable people. As more details unfold, Cornell left a bizarre note and was found hung, an apparent suicide in the MGM Grand Hotel. Whatever Cornell's struggles were he made an impact on my life. He thanked me for everything I had done. I am just a fan. I bought the records. I went to live show. I am just a fan. So, Thank you. Thank you for making me still sing out loud in my car, blasting your music loud and just sharing your beautiful mind with the world. If that is what you wanted, you succeeded sir. 

Scott Weiland, Layne Staley, and even Kurt Cobain are the pioneers of a type of rock music that changed the world of music, grunge rock. Eddie Vedder (same age as Cornell)  is also included in the bunch, but for him his work is not done yet. 

The Thought of Death Still Lingers with Happiness

Chuck Klosterman wrote a book call, Killing Yourself to Live. In 2012 I went to three foot doctors who told me the best way to live without pain is to amputate my right leg from the knee down. I can remember that long pause sitting in the room with the doctors and hearing the buzz coming from the florescent bulbs in the white walled room. I stared at the paper on the padded bed I was sitting on. I felt a tear in my eye that lingered, waiting for a blink, yet I just stared. They told me as I looked at the x-rays that bones are deteriorating. Today my foot is 60% worst now. I have to consistency lean on things to walk around, even with my A.F.O. brace on. 
Today I went to the movies by myself, again. It had rained while the movie was on. After the movie ended I walked to my car, tripped on the sidewalk fell down hard. I just sat there in silence, I thought about the paper on the padded bed. When I sat their on the wet sidewalk, I felt alone, so alone, even more alone when I secretly listen to the Dave Mathews Band. I am killing the time I have left on this place called earth. I couldn't of just died at six-years-old when I fell of that cliff. Fuck you turd cliff. This has to be a some creators sick joke. 

Creator: Let us drink whiskey from the river

Hours later.......

Creator: Let us make, or I will make *burp* some guy's life rough..... he will live, he will love sports, but can not play them, he will love the movies, but never write one, he will like women, but never have one, he will ..... 

Me.

I was at work the other day the small does of dopamine kicked in and the thought of death made me happy. The truth of the matter is I have spent so much time of my life, the core the great late twenties, all of the thirties spending my time alone, with no one. I don't even have anyone to bitch at or tell them how my day was, hell even ask me how my day was. It just make me more cynical and to change is hard, harder than you would ever believe. I have never wanted pity, no, never thank you. The truth is I would never do anything to harm myself, I am to chicken. Cluck cluck. Is there an escape plan for this? I know people live in fear, stress, unhappiness, anxiety, loss and so on. So why me why am I special, that fact is I'm not. I just want to know why the fuck I am here. My brain is already developed, it's difficult to pick up and learn to draw or play an instrument. Outside of my mother and grandmother no one has ever told me I am good at anything. I try and get up everyday with my best effort I try not burn the day away.  I end up with a pocket full of matches.