December 16th 2012 ....It.s the. End. Day. 5

I stroll out to my ....to my...to my...to my..carrrrr ...ohh I'm sick of drive driving that beast. I am on a mission to find other bad ass car. The scent of fire roams though the air. I did I forget to mention, my breakfast was a pound of bacon and a bottle of Jameson. While I ate breakfast, I blast mutha' fuckin' Billy Ocean!

Billy Jameson, a great way to start the end of the world breakfast. I turn and walk backwards out of my yard. Good-bye house. Good-bye mailbox. Good-bye lawn darts, one is still stuck on the roof. I start walking down the street with my eyes wondering and my mind racing. What am I gonna drive, how am I going to get there? Where am I going? Mr. Whiskers the cat bolts right across the street. Then, Mr. Wang the owner of the cat follows. I try to hide, but unfortunately I am standing in the middle of the street.

Ahburt!

He will never say my name right. It really doesn't matter now.

Ah, good morning Mr. Wang

It's not morning, it's two-fifteen in da afternoon. Wheres my rent?

Despite the world going crazy, and it's possible imploding or exploding you still want the rent? I will go get it.

Big turn around, and walk back to the home I just said good-bye to. I return to a squatter, yes already!

A raccoon, who decided to break into my house through the screen door. The coon also thought it was fun to scatter Froot Loops all throughout the house. Cheeky bastard! For a moment I forgot about the world ending and my attention was on the coon, who is loud and sneaky. How can something be so incredibly loud and sneaky at the same time? Well I do have my grandfathers shot gun under my bed. Although I have never fired it. I'll skip to it since "learning to skip like the professional" was on my bucket list. I feel happy skipping, but I also feel like a lolly in the process. I reach the bedroom. I grab the shot gun and realize its a double barrel shot gun. Slugs and no pellets for ammo. I did enjoy skipping down the hallway so, I decide to it again. Although this time I will have a shotgun resting on my shoulder, skipping down a hall way with my big stupid mustache, in slow motion. I reach the living with a big smile, but something is missing.

I searched for the coon for about four minutes and decided destroying Mr. Wong's wental house would be incredibly better with a double barrel shot gun.

"Bang, BANG, Bang, shoot bang sizzle pku-pku, chk-chk, banng"

I guess I will load the gun now and really shoot it. I don't know how to stand while shooting this Mosss-burger-thing. What comes to mind is 

-ASH (Army of Darkness) - A dame in one hand and a shotgun in the other

-Green Army Guys -  On one knee, laying down, and kill shot posses

-Any tough guy film - gun on side, just below ribs with a match stick in mouth

-or...Louie my cracked out neighbor  - He looks like this guy with guns

Louie took off months ago....In fact most people took off in this neighborhood, except Mr. Wong and I. Alone on a big empty, vacant street, for awhile it was nice. The recluse I have become is no more. I take the shotgun back to Mr. Wong's house for an appraisal. A tap at the door with my shotgun.

-SCREECH-

Wow, I just stole a 1978 Toyota Corolla wagon, bright blue. It's pretty awesome.  No shocks. Although there is a sweet box of beer cozies in the backseat. The only thing left on the whole street!

I know where I'm going.

-Thecarelessmind-

December 15th 2012.....6 days Til the End....

12:02 am Breaking News.

As first reported the end of days is near. The earth is officially off corse. Antarctica could be gone within few days. Reports of mass flooding in Florida and California have been confirmed.  Days and night will be or could be longer or short at any given moment. The cause may never be known. Earthquakes have been reported in Kansas and it is snowing in Egypt as we speak. We are fucked. It is out of our hands and in the hands of Mother Nature now. I'm Lloyd Bla.. (click)

What do I do now? I will be gone in six days. Everyone will be gone in six days. This is it. Will Smith can't even save us from this. I think, I will check my mail. I should get a Christmas card from someone. Open, reach my hand in, grab mail, pull out, thumb through, no card, just a a postcard reminder. I go back inside to sit in silence. For a few minutes I hear people yelling and tires screeching. I see a cat race across the lawn from my window. This won't be "Life After People" this will be "Absolutely nothing After Six Days". The rover on Mars won't know what the hell to do with itself. Good thing NASA sent that robot to Mars with a box of Twinkees and Swiss Army knife.

I need to keep calm. I'm sure if there is people who care about me, they will right? I attached a lanyard to my cellphone then put the lanyard on. What to do? Stay calm, thats right. Time is my worst enemy now. So task one.

Destroy all clocks. Our weakness is time. From now on I will bring a bag of hammers with me, and always carry one on me.

Breaking stuff calms the soul. Destruction of time, means no more looking to see if I'm late or early...or what time I should get up from slumber....or how long do I have left? While in the process of breaking time, I decide to burn calendars too.

While everyone is running around......I wait to plan my next move. Its if I had won lottery. I would do nothing, unless I have a plan. And me, I never have a plan. An idea, but thats not good enough. Everything will change. Everything I was use to doing, will change. I look around my place I grab -

My NERF Turbo football
     A football makes me smile. It's more than a football. It's opening it at Christmas time. It's grabbing it before I go to the park. It's tossing it in my front yard with my dad before dinner time. It's digging my finger nails into it while watching the clutching moments of a meaningful game. It's my football.

My iPod
     My iPod itself doesn't mean anything, but what I put into it is me. A song can put you in a different place. I will need that.

Yep thats it. And of course a bag of hammers. I will rest now and when I awake, I will have committed my first crime Grand Theft Auto.

The plan was always just an idea.

-The Carelessmind-

Single White Chainsaw Man...

Hi
 My name is Albert Preston Underwood V

What does the V stand for?

I'm the fifth Albert, blah blah blah in my family.

Please have a seat.

I took a seat in a room filled with people who seem normal, average people who are strangers to me. I may or may not see them ever again. I usually have a lot roaming around in my head at any given moment. Even when there abundant amount of people sitting in a room. I never have a problem making small talk, but I have a lame problem with awkward pauses.

Hi, do you have a pen.

Let me check.

Ok.

Yes, but I only have one.

Oh (Long awkward pause) What kind of pen is it?

I knew this was pre-hire orientation, but wow this company had the old school style desks. This room had the feeling of east Compton with a bag of Skittles that just puked everywhere.  Easy-E meets Janice Joplin in Munchkinland on a Thursday night after "Friends". I think that explained the room.

I was concerned, there were three openings and twenty or so people had showed up. We were handed a few pieces of paper stapled together. The first page was filled with stupid brain puzzles.

These companies think they are so cleaver. I think they target the people who don't know these trivial games. Most of the time these type of people are simply "yes" people. And they hardly question anything. I do and don't have a problem with this. I don't - because who am I to judge. You do a good job then you deserve a gold star. Where I do - these people usually get used, are taken advantage of, and in most cases over worked under paid. Anyways, I past the first page .

Page 2 - Interview Your Neighbor 

I really hate doing this. Why?

A) The person won't shut up.....talk talk talk....Question one is only your name...Calm the fuck down ....Sally.........I need to borrow your pen.

B) or...Sally won't talk at all......

C) or....Sally.....will correct me....."Sallee, with 2 E's" ....... Well thats just silly Sallee. Stop smiling silly Sallee.

I knew there had to be some sort of social aspect for this ridiculous act of cruelty. A ton of questions, and a lot of fake answers I gave too.

"Where were you born?"

Well here was my answer......

I consulted with the state of Idaho before forging a fictional place. It only costed me my Kiss Lp "Love Gun" and a blue football field they were both just lying in my backyard at the time. Idaho was happy. I use it at every job, if asked. 

Fun Fact: When I was 19, I applied at Wal-Mart. Under special skill I put, Kung-fu Master. Ron (the interviewer) told me I would be a great fit in the sporting goods department because of my skills. 

Page - 3 Please stand up

Ok. I stood. Soon everyone was standing with puzzled expressions. Yes, the third and last page just said "Please Stand Up'.

This exercise will have nothing to do with the job you applied for, but it will inform you, that, if  you do not get offered the job there maybe other ways of help.

So this exercise is.....Thanks, we don't want you, but as a parting gift we will provide with the awareness that there is other opportunities for you. Ok, I'll go along with shenanigans.

Please sit down if you are hispanic 

8 of 20 sit

Please sit down if you are Native American

2 of 12 sit

Please sit down if you are a Veteran?

3 of 10 sit

Please sit down if you have kids?

3 of  7 sit

Please sit if you are African-American?

1 of 4 sit

Please sit if you are on a work Visa?

1 of 3

Now there are two people standing.....Sallee and I 

Please sit if you are married?

Sallee sits down.

Now, I bet you are wondering why you are still standing? 

Yeah, can I sit down now?

In just a second. Do you know that there isn't any kind of organization for a single white male without kids? 

All I could come with were smart ass remarks and I knew there had to be a few people in the KKK who have children. I'd rather sink to the bottom of the ocean while using a chainsaw to cut off my limbs then to have anything to do with KKK. 

I never really looked into why there wasn't. There is Welfare and Food Stamps, but is that the first option offered at the offices of UNCF? No! It really felt degrading, kind of like, reverse racism? I don't know why they had to point me out. I am a US citizen. I pay taxes, I water plants and feed animals. I really wish now that I never even showed up for that wacko job opportunity. Still to this day, I think about that.

....Or it could be that I'm not very smart, and there has always been organizations. Do they cease to exist? Again, if these things did exist for single white males....would people just assume, what I assumed............Is it a fact that most homeless shelters are filled with swm? 

For the last two weeks, I have heard politicians talk and talk. How they are going to help struggling families, help immigration, create jobs, lower the debt, Easwood mumbles to an empty chair, foreign polices, peace talks, over sea trade, auto industry, Wall Street....and la de dah! I would of been nice to hear at least five seconds about me. I seem to vote for the well being of others.  

Welp! Time to go to Sears and buy a chainsaw!