Time For a Self Evaluation Part 1

2024 has been one big pile of crap. So far. January 2023 was the fucking best time in my life, I found the girl. The girl who I wasn't looking for. Now, today. The same girl barely talks to me. I'm still in love with her. I am a Libra, very emotional, caring, odd, funny and sometimes I can let my heart lead when it's the brain's job. I have been way too sappy, clingy and an all around sad sack. I do not like this version of me. I have let my emotions run wild. It's as if I am walking on a path and the distractions around me have drawn me off course of goals, hopes and dreams. I feel like I'm always looking beyond the important things in front of my face. I tend to leap ahead, anxiety and overthinking has almost ruined me emotionally. I need to slow down completely this time. I have disconnected myself from a few social media platforms. I have had a few issues with reading into posts and stories too often. My imagination can cause serious self trauma, and over time I have been accustomed to broadcasting my feelings through social media. I do not use it to my advantage nor am in a business that needs it to survive or advertise. There are a few features I have left on, a Snapchat and my Twitter feed. I have also turned off my ringer and notifications. I want my life to move forward without the constant mind numbing scrolling and/or alerts letting me know that I got an email from Amazon telling me to buy this product that I don't need, but it is on sale, so therefore you must open the email now! Well from this point forward I don't want that crutch anymore. I love taking pictures. I love how the fog is resting in the background but there's a clear view in front. It almost has a perfect balance of wet and dry. And as the dirt road veers off into the right ahead, the atmosphere plays with the imagination of where that road leads up to.  

I need to feel more grounded. I started yoga. I am terrible at it, but I love playing cornhole on the weekends. I got myself a gym membership, I plan on working out 3 days a week, this time I am going to track myself. Back on track

Childhood Education Part 2

Childhood Education Part 2

 

4 years later

Where was I? 

Oh yeah, 6th grade. 

I was in the midst of my parents divorcing. I was pissed, I spent 30 minutes upset that my mother and father were separating, but then I found out we were moving. I invested years making my three friends. I was hoping I would find friends again. I was a child with an angry sailors limp. So, finding friends who would stick by me was a Double Dare challenge. 

Little kids just stare at me. It's as if I'm SpongeBob walking into Wal-Mart because I was running low on new house dresses, shotgun shells and pine cone spray paint tattoos. I'm telling you to this day, kids just stare when I walk. Sometimes when I limp around and I see someone starring, I put a little more cripple swagger into the limp,  and maybe work in a small twerk, followed by a Hallelujah. 

(side note: There is a small gas station outside of Reno, NV. That area is called Hallelujah Junction and for a free ice cream cone from my grandfather he would have us spell Hallelujah. I didn't care so much about the ice cream after I found his secret stash of porn mags in his vacation trailer. So if we didn't have to make an additional stop, that would mean the sooner we could get to his house.)

So, 6th grade. New school. All eyes on me. RIP 2 Pac. I loved the Beastie Boys. I had a Tonka shirt on. I felt bad ass walking into Mrs. Hollingers class. Then I laid my eyes on this girl. She developed early and my new desk was right next to hers. Luckily for me, I knew they what these skin melons were, thanks to my grandfathers vacation station. So right away I had more obstacles to get over. So I played it cool and continued to stare. I mean full on stare, like the kind of stare if you saw a homeless man dressed up like SpongeDale (The dollar store version) stumbling into Burger King. The next day she came into class with a baggy sweater on, and just, like, that, they had disappeared. Thee "Oh my gentle Jesus'es" have left the building. I thought she was sick, so I asked her all day long if she felt good.  I'm sure I failed the math quiz that day and as her flute skills improved I had to make sure to hone in on my stupid clarinet so I could pair her skills, keeping me seated next to her during music class. God, I hated the clarinet. To this day, I have never seen a rock band with a professional clarinetist, nor do I even know of one. I haven't even seen a clarinet in a million years, even Kenny G plays the tenor saxophone. To be honest I had to look him up, but when I looked the G-man up I guess my thought process was in the market for a Michael Bolton. They both scream 1992 short haired aunt, drinking a Lipton sun tea and driving an Isuzu Trooper.   

My second day at a new school, I decided it was probably a smart idea to ditch the Tonka shirts and totally sport a Run DMC shirt. There were (maybe still apply now, I dunno) playground rules. When you heard the bell, freeze and wait for the teacher to blow her whistle. I would always freeze giving the finger, but I would hide it behind my other hand. There was also a 20 second count on the swings, if they were busy. I would simply count to 20, and when the swinger slowed down to a complete stop, I would sometimes say, "nah I don't like that swing, carry on". I would continue on doing this. Some dude with curly hair and glasses, he said hey whats up, your shoe is untied. Awesome! Lets swing. I was swinging so freaking high I could see the curve of the earth. We were singing and laughing. Then my shoe flew off of my foot. As my shoe lifted off from my foot, my toes all waved good bye at the same time. I could see the piggies were happy and they hardly got to breath during lunch time. That battered shoe, with the ripped dangly red swoosh and the grey cookie colored shoe laces, slowly spun like a punted football. The g-force of the swing caused the shoe to propel in a backward motion. You could hear the screams squealing out from the "This little pig" warning me of the lurking danger I am going to encounter. The shadow of the shoe, lined in sync with the swing. My dumbass laughing as the sun blinded my vision while I tracked my shoe jet. I fell backwards out of my swing, doing an awesome flip only to kiss the soft sand below. As I lifted my head up, my shoe crash landed on the back of my noggin at that point and my face went back for second helpings of sand. The sweater girl ran over to me. It was at this point her name was (actually) Beth. She helped me up and told me that was a crazy fast flip. I scanned the playground, no one else saw this event. I saw the guy with curly hair and glasses launch his shoe over the playground fence. Where the shoe landed safely in the street, moments later it was ran over by an Isuzu Trooper. Beth said I looked ok and then gave me a hug. It was at this moment in time, historically speaking her large obstacles made me forget about ever doing a Wile E Coyote stunt. I was happy. Although I had to sit back on the swing for the next 4 to 7 minutes until I could ease the happiness that was currently at the time, hard to hide. 

Overthinker's Top 3 Exercise 1

    Lately, overthinking. Sometimes I feel like I'm murdering my brain. I suppose in small doses I've always been the thinker. Why? I want to be the best me possible. I want what is best for other humans. I like to be enough and not an alternative nod of, ehh. Tonight I asked a friend to ask me questions.

What are 3 things I first think of when I wake up?

1. I question my sleep.

2. Beth, she is the game changer I have been waiting for, all my life.

3. Shower, eat and drink 

What are 3 things I am grateful for?

1. I have a love hate relationship with my heart. On one side it cares and on the other end being passionate can cause trouble with out thinking. (If you love your boat and being on the water, without thinking, you could easily leave the oars at home) 

2. Music, it should sound clique, because it is clique. I have a tendency to listen to certain songs on repeat. Right now it's all depressed sad songs - Switchfoot "the bones of us"/ Daughter "Medicine"/Manchester Orchestra 'Capital Karma" just to name a few......I'm currently not sad, a bit numb, but not sad. 

3. Great friends. End of story

What are 3 things I am scared of?

1. Continuous Failure - after 37 times, give up and move on. I'm proud of myself for trying.

2. Dying without being loved. I know we all die alone, but how about one person really loving the shit out of me, just love me just being me. The dork I am. I like to think I'm lovable. I am certainly capable of taking care of that given love. I don't put anyone on a pedestal, thats where love belongs.

3. My leg getting worse as I age.

Where is 3 places I'd like to visit?

1. I'd like to see the world best waterfall. A waterfall surrounded in nature. A waterfall where I can play in without being swept in a current. 

2. The worlds largest ball pit. Arcade, Rollercoaster. I love amusement attractions. 

3. I would love to go to New York City during Christmas. I love the lights, atmosphere, the happiness......not so much the cost, but I'd defiantly wanna go. 

3 Random Things 

1. I applied to appear on the negative three cent stamp. I did this because I hate my heart sometimes and it gets in the way of my brain. I wasn't thinking when I applied, I just knew in my heart it was the best thing to do. But in the end it was not smart. I end up owing more after applying.  

2. Her voice 

Her kind words

Her silent amour of rich sounding promises that sweep over me 

They have found a home, nuzzled in my heart

3. Rockstar Lemonade (Yellow cans)

 

Can You Start at 3AM?

When the night is quiet, some, sleep on a bed of burnt ash with traumatic sheets of fear. The tossing and turning becomes more of a chore. The body, light as a fart feather and stiff as 80 year old man after downing a bottle of bourbon and a handful of boner pills.

The window is opened a cracked. For the gentle breeze of the nights air could put one to sleep at ease. The moonlight peaks through the blinds, searching for a reflective object to light up the room.

A wall clock ticks louder. 

Tick

TIck

TICk

TICK

....and so on.

Always waiting for the Tock to happen.  Yet the tick drags on and on. The eyeballs flow back and forth with the motion of the wall clock ticks. The white noise sizzling far into the distance, piercing the ears at times. The heavy eyelids, like soaked 1975 velvet drapes, blink slow, but struggle to stay closed. The heart racing in place, with every gulp of hot coffee, it is feasting for. Fatigue rolls through the body like cold syrup on a winter's night. The mind thinking about the future, the past, the eggs that would of been nice to eat in the morning, but someone forgot to pick them up, the yogurt stain in the shag rug carpet at your mother's house, what the fuck was in the Fedex box at the end of Castaway, why is there no one else listening to my thoughts, what if you lived your life according to every song you ever listen too and so on and so forth. 

In the distance a lonely dog named Cannibal barks into the evening sky as the fog rolls in. That single bark echos into the night. Creating a single bark that turns into eight echoing barks, causing the dog to bark more, because the dog believes other dogs are barking at him. A cry for an owner, who cares more about nothing at all. Cannibal is locked in an outdoor cage, while it begins to rain.

The rain fall that begins, rings on every leaf on the tree as the drops sail, storming down from the clouds. 

Ting

Ting 

Ting Ting TINGTINGTINGTINGjgeftingiuwTINGhef8TINGwgfTINGiuqwefi

The scent of rain rushes through the dirty window screen. The strong dusty smell, clogs the air flow through the nose, causing a choking hazard. The body rises from the bed, not to choke on the nothingness. 

As the body rest turn on its side. The microwave time that beams it's LED lights from the kitchen. Shines down the hallway, seeping through the bottom of the bedroom door and the carpet. Praying the power does not go out and turn the kitchen into a  night club for spiders and Beetlejuice like creatures, once again. 

Lightening strikes followed by a loud crackles of thunder. 

The phone that has been silenced for the past four hours emerges into your palm. 

02:34AM.

FUCK!  

The thoughts of another day gone away. The body is there but the mind is somewhere else. The gutter is nowhere to be seen. The body stops caring about the day at hand. The thoughts of bed sounds nice, yet someone else's bed sounds better. The human touch, can block all the distractions in the world, if you are with the right person. Find your person, sleep better, sleep well. Fall asleep with a smile. 

Tell the neighbors to let Cannibal sleep in the house. 

I haven't been getting much sleep at night. Distractions. Mind. Overthinking. Overly tired.........and missing thee....

My Top 5 - Life Lessons (that I have learned or screwed up)

 I get tired. 

That doesn't mean I stop. As I walk through life I constantly continue to daydream. Sometimes I will just sit and stare. Yes, I may or may not be listening to you, but the fact is I am present. I am here. Why? Fuck if I know that for sure. I can be a tough nut to crack at times. Once in awhile, I will casually think - "Am I stuck in a dream or a nightmare". As time progresses I loose the reality side of life and lean more towards the daydreaming part. I ask for very little, but I sense there is a struggle, a detour in the way. In the end, I am here now. For tomorrow I might not. Love what you can today.

-Life Lessons- 

5. Continue to Write

Exercising the mind is a workout. Take care of the mind, write everyday. Think about how important it is not to skip leg days at the gym. The phone is a great tool, speech to pad is a great way to express your feelings or ideas on the spot. The shower is great place to start and rejuvenate the thought process. I love the rain, it is refreshing, it smells organic, it is just a great time to sit next to an open window. Watch. Listen. Let your mind unwind, meditate and perhaps make a list. A list is a great way to expand the writing tool. The list allows the writer, to write. A list is just an outline to something bigger. A shopping list is just an outline of something bigger. For example: Band Aids, this is on list because ......... What happened? Why? Who used them? The amount of informations gathered from the shopping list, one could write a Story for days. Garlic Powder, what are you going to make? What is it used for?  .......Never stop, or denying to yourself you can not write. In some form, we practice everyday. 

4. Nothing Great Comes Easy

This is a hard ticket to sell to a gorgeous 20 year old who is a millionaire swimming around in money on her bed while posting her latest OF video. Although, by the time she is forty, she might be broke, on the run from the IRS, her baby daddies, her loan shark, her drug dealer and so forth. It maybe a little far fetched, but the simple thing is a plumber will fix your leak, a great plumber will make sure your pipes never leak. With greatness, comes patience wise grasshopper. The amount of patience these days wears thins as we tend to base time to internet speed and car salesmen. If and when two people meet, their values may take time to expose. Is it a good fit for your values and way of life? Yes, taking chances are exciting, but is it fulfilling in the long run? You may wake up one day and get lucky. Good for you!

3. Turn Your Phone Off (at least 1 Hour)

Ok, so just to make it clear, this is while you are still awake. Sleeping does not count. Practice coming home and turning the phone off. Unwind from a long day at work or a day-outing. Reflect from the world in your hand. Let your eyes focus on the surroundings. Take the time to better yourself. Nap. Cook. Clean. Draw. Practice being better to yourself. Go for a drive, I have for many years wanted to just toss my phone out the car window. For me, speaking honestly, my phone makes me overthink about everything. I'm an overthinker to begin with. I find getting lost in writing, a video game and/or even walking in nature makes me for alert and focused. Or take a shot.

2.  Have Fun

You ask any 10 different elder people anywhere and I guarantee the wise ones will say it's a short trip, have fun while it lasts. Enjoyment for ourselves can be difficult, but with a small amount of effort and a great supporting cast, life can be fun. There is a few things to remember,  no one can takeaway a grudge you hold on to. So let that shit go, kick it to the curb. Surround yourself with people who respect you, laugh with you, enjoy their company and if you can see yourself with someone you can run around the house together with NERF guns, you better keep them. Being sad is easy, but sometimes its inevitable, then being bored is sad's long lost relative. Being bored for me is dragging me to church. For some that is what some people look forward to all week, and that is their sort of fun activity. Regardless of what you do in life, just don't forget to have a little fun, we all deserve more than we give ourselves.    

1. Be You     

Stop! 

STOP!

Damn you, I said STOP! Stop wanting to be more like them, and be you. You are fucking important and you can do and say anything you want with no expectations. Be the best version of you. Be proud of yourself and not who you want to look like. Money is not answer to you being you. Self-respect, can I get an Amen? Be a role model for those who need a hand in life. Tell stories and spill the beans. Tell someone how you feel. Sing in your car as loud as you want. Over flow the bathtub. Run in the mud barefoot. Throw your pudding at someone. Pee outside. Live outside the bubble. Poke someones bubble who cant pop their own. Breath. Fart in a full elevator and blame it on someone else. Curse a million words. Fuck. Forgive. Live. Breath again (wait till you're maybe out of the elevator). Stretch. Say I love you. Pet animals. Be kind. Drink. Draw. Flush. Spin in circles. Roll down a hill. Climb a tree. Bake a cake. Try Crack. Maybe not try Crack. Yes lets not do Crack. Look for the Moon. Tell Stories. Feel better. Feel alive. Feel you, being you.  

B - You Exist

2023 has kept me busy. I have been to more major cities this year, than in years past. For the last two years I had an office job, in which I gained 20lbs, just from sitting on my fat ass. While, it was a nice change of pace, I came to where I hated it. I had no interaction with others. I worked on a team with three other people, one of which was my boss. Nobody cared for my googly eye hi-jinx. Everyone there thought we conducting brain surgery, everyone was always stressed, when in fact we were producing slot and lottery machines. We were actually making things that some people get highly addicted too. There would be days where I wouldn't talk to anyone and I would go home to my single studio apartment and sit there alone. I think the longest I went without saying a word was three days. I said, aw shit. because my rent was due soon. And I hated paying nearly $1200 for a 315 square foot apartment in the ghetto. I would walk out to used toilets resting by my door. With a door frame that was perviously kick in, but then painted over, as if it were brand new. New paint is only a temporary cover, for problems that exist beneath. 

   Among the days I was silent, I met someone. I had stopped looking, after the last few heartbreaks. She was going through a major war. A war she never thought would happen. A war she was about to surrender to, by not existing anymore. I knew right away she needed to be healed, but we can only fix ourselves. So I knew that instead of fixing I would attempt to heal with laughter and show my venerable stupid side. The side that really shouldn't come out until third or fourth date. (Seen below)

The first video of her I saw, she was at a karaoke bar, and the moment she smiled was the first time I felt my heart beat again. No one has ever done that to me. I lost my breath, I was hyperventilating. If I weren't on the phone watching this, I would have called 911. My whole body became weak, the spine released a tingly rapid sensation that shot up and down my back, causing my shoulders to continuously shiver in the most inviting way. I finally did it, I fell in love at first site. She existed. She still gives me that same feeling whenever I see her. The problem is.........she lives in a different area code. I wanted to do everything I could for her. First off, make everyday seem special and every holiday make better than the pervious year. March 17th was our first date. I drove 8 hours and 5 minutes one way to see her. (I'm getting so emotional right now). It was St.Patricks day. The first time I saw her, she had torn up jeans that showed off her tattoos and a ridiculous green shirt her mom made her wear. I had got an air bnb, and set up food and Irish whiskey with a few gifts for her. The moment we embraced is equaled to that of a small child's reaction to waking up on Christmas to a puppy that they had been asking for. We held each other, close and as we kissed, without hesitation, we kissed and held each other, taking shots and talking until we both passed out. There was a moment during the night where I threw my arm around her, only for her to quickly throw it off of her, but a half a second later, after she realized she was safe, grabbed my arm and threw it back over herself. The next day I took her out on our first date. We were off to Medieval Times, she said she had a friend that worked there as a knight. I paid for us to get the best seats in the house, well I tried. Her friend was a Red Knight and we were in the Yellow section. We got a picture of us before we were seated, but the picture did not come out at the end. Although at the end of dinner, she was crowed Queen of the Night and had taken a picture with the winning Red Knight. So on our first date she got a picture, it just wasn't with her and I. But that didn't matter because she existed and she was with me. I just wanted her to feel like she mattered. She did, and she still does. To this very day, she is loved even more than before. She never needs a coat of paint, she is not damaged goods. Problems are solved, through time. We will all have problems and issues in life, but if we find the right support team, then life becomes a bit easier. The beauty of our existents becomes visible. She exists, even when she thinks she doesn't. She is amazing, an animal lover, a food connoisseur, a healer, a helper, a smart, funny and truly a wonderful matching soul.

I love you, B.          

Time Passes

From the darkness she shines with the beauty she holds together so well 

The moon light inside her soul awakes 

That sly beam of glee that he holds within 

While her charm comes in like a midnight fire 

He adores, patently 

The connection glooms from the distance without the gentle touch 

That feels so real 

Her witchy eyes that tell stories without words 

He listens, continuously 

The haunting drama passes as no angel sings without horns 

As the sea changes paths everyday, she has made it to land 

Set to sail, no more

A path leads to his heart only for her

He awaits, with open arms 

With her devilish smirk fabricated

For his vision is focused under her luring spells of passion 

Seen through rich overgrown forests and the soup like fog 

She stirs the pot, with the warm aroma of deep affectation

He listens, while her heart beats louder 

But as the sun rises, the obstacles come into view 

He is sadden, cues another day without her